TNA: What Are You Doing?

Zach DuncanContributor IMarch 5, 2010

PERTH, AUSTRALIA - NOVEMBER 24:  Hulk Hogan gestures to the audience during his Hulkamania Tour at the Burswood Dome on November 24, 2009 in Perth, Australia.  (Photo by Paul Kane/Getty Images)
Paul Kane/Getty Images

I'm sorry but I can't stay silent, not after watching the latest episode of TNA: Impact. This was the last episode before TNA moves to Monday nights to compete with RAW and tries to bring back the Monday Night Wars. After this latest showing, I am incredibly worried about TNA's chances.

A couple weeks ago an interesting thing happened. That week Monday Night Raw was terrible (this was with Jerry Springer as guest host), and I actually saw a pretty good Impact. I was astonished.

I was seriously beginning to believe that TNA could at least give the WWE a run for its money. The following weeks, however, proved me wrong.

Has anyone else noticed a complete decrease in actual match time in TNA? I don't think I've seen a match last longer than five minutes in a long time.

And that 10-minute time limit that's announced before every match only makes them seem shorter. I remember I was watching in a chatroom last week and some guy goes "when was the last time WWE had a non-PPV table match?"

It was between the Nasty Boys and Team 3D (I know, not a very technical matchup), and it was over in, at most, five minutes, not including commercials. It's true that the days have long past in the WWE to have a table match or ladder match (or even TLC) on a RAW or Smackdown and it's a bloody shame, but if the match only lasts a couple minutes, what's the point?

And it's not like TNA has short matches in order to fit more of them in. It's coming to the point where we're lucky to see three or four matches per episode. The rest of the time is devoted to storylines that don't make any sense, or are just bad, and endless amounts of commercials.

Seriously, it seemed like commercials took up more than half the episode this week! (Lack of fundage on the part of Spike or TNA maybe?) I don't think I've ever seen so many commercials on one program before.

To paraphrase The Great One (The Rock for all you jabronis out there), "SWEET CREAM ON AN ICE CREAM SAMICH! WHAT IN THE BLUE HELL IS BISCHOFF DOING?!"

Really, what is he doing? Does anybody understand the storylines between him, Mick Foley, and Jeff Jarrett?

First of all, he wants to make Mick Foley into some high class, proper gentleman, and there were several segments of him at etiquette school. Who wants to see Foley like that? This is the hardcore legend we're talking about!

Let the guy wrestle with some barbed wire, shove his sock-covered hand in somebody mouth, anything but this. And if he isn't going to wrestle, then put him in a respectable position like he was when he first went to TNA.

Apparently, Bischoff also wants to break Jeff Jarrett's spirit right now. Why? What's the grudge? Someone please get rid of this angle because it just doesn't make any sense.

What was TNA thinking when they turned AJ Styles heel? And not only that, but they're trying to turn him into the second Nature Boy (reminds me of what they tried to do with Shark Boy and Stone Cold). 

Now, any of you big time wrestling history buffs are probably thinking "wait there was a Nature Boy before Ric Flair so AJ would technically be the third." Technically this is true, but no one really thinks of Buddy Rogers when someone says Nature Boy, they think of Flair.

That's because he took the gimmick, made it his own, and brought it to unprecedented heights. That's why there can only be one Nature Boy, one Stone Cold, one Hitman, one People's Champ...and one Phenomenal One.

Turning your top boy heel at this crucial time is bad enough, but don't turn him into a totally out-of-character-wannabe too.

WTF happened to the monster Abyss? I remember when I first started watching TNA and saw Abyss. He was awesome! You could truly call him a monster back in those days (whatever happened to Judas Mesias?). And now it's just painful to watch him. He's like Eugene plus 100 pounds. Bring back the monster!

On this Monday's episode of Impact, the main event is set to be Abyss and Hulk Hogan vs. AJ Styles and Ric Flair. Do we really want to see those two come out of retirement? Flair, maybe. Hogan, not at all.

The Hulkster has stated himself that he can't wrestle anymore; he can barely walk down the ramp! Mercifully, it's going to be a tag team match so Hogan will probably only be in there for thirty seconds (which is still a little too long). Will this grab ratings? Definitely. Will this be incredibly painful to watch? Most likely.

One of the shining lights of TNA today is the feud between Kurt Angle and Mr., Anderson, and even this leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It is definitely the best storyline TNA's got going for it right now, but I feel it has gone a little too far.

Nobody, heel, face, tweener, midget/leprechaun, clown, Shockmaster (in a class all his own), should even remotely connect disrespect and the troops (beating up Cena isn't the same thing). Other than that, keep up the good work, you two.

I know I just came off as a total WWE mark, and I probably just pissed off a lot of TNA marks, but I'm sorry I just had to say something (I can see why Sting currently doesn't want to have a lot to do with TNA these days).