St. Louis Cardinals: The Seven Boldest Predictions for This Season

The St. Louis Cardinals begin the 2010 season Thursday when they take the Spring Training field for the first time.

The games won’t stop for another eight months.

Many pundits, prognosticators, and punks will be giving their predictions over the next couple of weeks, pretty much getting paid to type up what we already know. And we’ll read it, because we're suckers and will read anything that comes in a list.

But just like sex with Tensley, it may look good—it just won’t be satisfying.*

That’s why we’re going to make seven BOLD predictions for the Cardinals 2010 season. These are things not on anyone's radar but that can actually happen.

It’s a list for men. Manly men. And hot women. So if you’re not a hot woman or a manly man, end this article now.

We’ll wait.

Now that those pansy boys have left, let’s get on with the show.

*This may or may not be true. I’d like to find out.

You Will Ask Yourself In July If Brad Penny Really Is the Front-Runner

I wonder if Dave Duncan’s entire life is just filled with situations where he gets a steaming pile of sh*t, and then has to make it awesome.

Hey Dave, here’s your rental car...(Car returns)...Hmmm Dave, I didn’t think we had Aston Martins at Budget?

Hey Dave, touch my girlfriend...Whoa, Alessandra Ambrosio? You shouldn’t have, Dave.

Considering Brad Penny is only a couple seasons removed from nearly a 20-win effort AND the L.A. Dodgers have stated that Penny’s problem is mostly with his mechanics, well, this just seems like the best possible scenario for Cardinal fans.

Albert Pujols Will Not Win the MVP

Let’s get one thing clear here—Albert Pujols is the best player in baseball.

When you can add him NOT winning an MVP as a bold prediction with a straight face, that fact should be self-evident.

But...

He’s heading into an option year on his contract. The last time AP came up for a new contract, he was only two years into his professional career and the Cardinals wisely gave him $100 million plus and banked on .333/40/120 every year.

In 2010, the possibilities are endless. Just like LeBron James, those evil New York jackals are looming with their big bags of dirty money, promising to make Albert’s every wish a reality.

As we sit in February of 2010, we’re still 20 months away from the Albertolypse, but his contract will not not be on his mind.

A very real .300/35/100 is a possibility.

Larry Bigbie just slapped his monitor.

Tony LaRussa Shaves His Head

Last year it was the mustaches.

This year? Shaved heads.

And a 20-5 stretch somewhere in late July and early August should bench the Flowbee and call in the clippers to shave the most famous mane in St. Louis.

SportsCenter will make this into a bigger deal than necessary.

The Cubs Will Be a Non-Factor in the NL Central Race, but the Reds Will

After a billion years in rebuilding mode, the Reds will finally come out of the dank cellar of baseball’s most mediocre division and give the Cardinals that resembles a run for their money—before not approving any payroll increases right at the trading deadline, and then subsequently fading into the middle of the pack.

This will increase Cincinnati's hope for the Reds in 2011, but they will fail miserably and have to start all over in 2012.

Or something like that.

Adam Wainwright Becomes the New Johan Santana

Remember when every baseball loving dude (fantasy or otherwise) had a creaming man crush on Johan Santana?

You could practically see the SportsCenter anchors fist-fighting each other to do Twins highlights.

Speculation about the level of Santana's greatness was more rampant than the herpes at a Jersey Shore cast reunion. Gay marriage legislators should have struck when the iron was hot.

After a third place finish in the Cy Young balloting in 2009, 2010 is the year of "Rootbeer Wainwright."

He finally takes his place as the most dominant pitcher in the NL, and in the process, becomes the first Cardinal to win 20 games in a season since, well, forever. Men will openly profess their love. Women will volunteer to be his next one night stand.

He becomes an MLB rock star.

A St. Louis Cardinal is MVP of the All-Star Game

The All-Star Game has been the AL’s playground for over a decade now. But thanks to a Cardinal’s late inning heroics in the midsummer classic, the NL will secure home-field advantage for the World Series.

Then…

The Cardinals Will Win the World Series—In a Sweep

Take your Yankees, Red Sox, and Phillies and shove ‘em.

2010 is blood red, son.

Cardinal red.

After a brutal NL championship series, the Birds fly high into the World Series and absolutely dismantle whomever they’re facing in a surgical procedure.

Your 2010 Major League Baseball Champions: St. Louis Cardinals