Beer Bryant? A Look at the Top 10 College Football Head Coaches As Beers

Achieving success as a head coach in college football is far from an exact science. There is no secret recipe, magic formula, or little blue pill.

As such, those men who reach the sport’s summit—as well as those who struggle to do so—come from various backgrounds and run the gamut with diverging personalities, demeanors, tactics, and practices.

If you were to line up, say, the 10 best head coaches in college football, you’d likely be hard-pressed to encounter any two that are alike. Some are strict disciplinarians who border upon sadists. Some take pride in adopting the modern philosophy of befriending today’s collegiate athlete. Others even attempt to combine the two, hopeful of achieving a silky blend of traditional power figure and new-age conformist.

Surely, there are numerous ways in which to classify coaches, beginning with the conferences, divisions, and sub-divisions in which they work. But how boring is that?

What if, instead of lumping coaches together in groups, we singled them out, using the complex dynamics that make each unique and therefore differentiate one coach from the next?

And what if we did this by defining each coach by the beer that most closely resembles his personality, track record, teaching style, work ethic, and anything else that goes into breeding success?

Yeah, I’m not really sure how well it’s going to work, either. But let’s try.

Note: Titles and descriptions of beers provided by BeerAdvocate.com.

10. Lane Kiffin—USC Trojans (Double Bastard Ale)

People of Tennessee, this one’s for you.

For starters, this is a real beer, produced by the Stone Brewing Company in California. Secondly, other than the fitting name, it’s rather hard to discern how Double Bastard Ale could be compared to a man such as Kiffin.

Unless, of course, you count the idea that Kiffin, too, disappoints despite the high price tag, tends to be a bit overpowering, and leaves a frustratingly nasty aftertaste.

The one glaring difference: Double Bastard supposedly matures as it ages.

9. Les Miles—LSU Tigers (Vanilla Bean Aged Dark Lord)

Counted among Three Floyds Brewing Company’s finest products, Vanilla Bean Aged Dark Lord is a cloudy Imperial stout laced with an alcohol content of 13-percent, but its likeness to Miles is anything but robust.

The comparisons between the two are simplistic, yet they must be broken down.

First is the word “vanilla,” which aptly describes Miles’ almost-always even-keel demeanor. Whether LSU just pulled a clock-management snafu against Ole Miss or won a national title versus Ohio State, Miles reacts the same.

However, there are those rare occasions when Miles does make his consternation known, and that’s when the “Dark Lord” element kicks in.

Quarterback Jordan Jefferson throws a lazy pick, corner Patrick Peterson commits a costly pass interference penalty, it doesn’t matter. When something catches Miles’ ire in a dark alley, his brows descend near the bridge of his nose and he takes on the look of some kind of Sith master from Star Wars.

8. Paul Johnson—Georgia Tech (Andechser Doppelbock Dunkel)

No country does beer like Germany. And no one German brewer epitomizes the art and timelessness of the craft quite like the Andechs Monastery Brewery, which has been churning out its trademark Doppelbock Dunkel since 1455, when monks ran the place.

In the hallowed annals of college football history, no one offense so elicits thoughts of bygone eras like the triple option offense. Intricate in its blueprint yet simplistic in motion, the triple option has become more and more of an antique as the spread offense has fanned across the landscape.

But Johnson, like the monks and the German brewers after them, has chosen to uphold tradition. And in doing so, he has created an age-old multi-pronged attack that stands out from the rest, all the while proving that few defenses nationally are equipped to handle his scheme.

Photo credit: Atlanta Journal-Constitution

7. Brian Kelly—Notre Dame Fighting Irish (Temptation)

The son of a politician, it should come as no surprise that Kelly perhaps inherited his father’s gift of persuasion. On the flip side, however, along with Kelly’s oracular prowess comes the weakness that seemingly all politicians share.

And it smells eerily similar to the Russian River Brewing Company’s outstanding American wild ale, Temptation.

After program-changing stints at Grand Valley State and Central Michigan, Kelly soon built a solid base at Cincinnati, where he reiterated to his players time and time again that sustaining success within the Bearcat program was more important than any job offer.

Alas, the appeal of Kelly’s dream job in South Bend was too great, and like any true politician, he walked out on his supporters, leaving only the tears of his former players and an empty sack of promises behind.

Photo credit: Associated Press

6. Bob Stoops—Oklahoma (Sweetwater Dank Tank Big Ol’ Belgian Blue Balls)

According to Beer Adocate, this is a fruit/vegetable hybrid beer that’s produced in Georgia. More importantly, it adequately captures the BCS failures of Stoops and his Sooners.

With more conference titles (six) than any other Big 12 coach, Stoops has earned a reputation for being one of the best in college football. From September to the beginning of December, Stoops and OU are dominant, but when the calendar page flips over, not so much.

Dating back to 2003, Stoops has lost five of his last six BCS bowl games, including a blowout to USC in the 2005 Orange Bowl and consecutive upset defeats in the Fiesta Bowl.

Stoops will forever be revered as one of the best coaches in Oklahoma history, but one has to wonder whether he’ll be known more for his shortcomings, which have all too often left him just shy of those orgasmic moments, like the national championship win against Florida State in 2000.

Photo credit: Bryan Terry/The Oklahoman

5. Gary Patterson—TCU Horned Frogs (Sahti)

Just as many novice beer-drinkers fail to regard Finland as a nation known for its palatable brews, Patterson often gets overlooked as one of the best coaches in America, simply because his Horned Frogs play in a non-BCS conference and thus reside outside of the college football epicenter.

Applauded for the non-traditional ways in which it is created, Sahti, according to Beer Advocate, is said to be one of only a few primitive beers to survive in Western Europe, where it constantly fights taking a back seat to German heavyweights and the more well-known beers of England, Ireland, and Scotland.

Like Sahti, which is said to have roots in Finland, Patterson has fought the good fight and managed to steal a small piece of the pie, amassing nearly nine wins a season and earning coach of the year honors three times in his decade at TCU.

And he has done so without the same luxury afforded to many of his peers, often excelling with lesser touted recruits and limited resources in terms of revenue and facilities.

Photo credit: Associated Press

4. Jim Tressel—Ohio State Buckeyes (Bud Light)

Anheuser-Busch’s low-carb cash-cow is this country’s No. 1-selling beer for many reasons. It’s an easy, cheap step down from tastier, full-bodied beers. And no matter how unattractive or unsavory it may appear, because it resides at every corner drugstore and supermarket in America, we sometimes purchase Bud Light by default.

Such is the story of the Ohio State Buckeyes under Jim Tressel. A fine coach is he, but Tressel, through a little collaboration with the BCS computers, has turned the OSU program into America’s most popular team over the last decade.

Tressel and Ohio State did capture the national title in 2002, but despite a pair of unceremonious return trips to the big game, the Buckeyes continue to excel by dominating the mediocre Big Ten and then patiently awaiting the implosion of USC and/or an undefeated SEC or Big 12 team.

And that’s when Tressel’s crew walks through the back door and into a BCS slot, taking the place of perhaps a more flavorful and exciting team. With each passing season, the cycle repeats itself, and before you know it Ohio State has become the BCS’ Bud Light—a familiar, convenient alternative that always seems to make its way to the front of the line.

Photo credit: Associated Press

3. Mack Brown—Texas Longhorns (La Fin Du Monde)

Nearly comparable to a fine wine, La Fin Du Monde is a Canadian beer that, according to reviews on Beer Advocate, only gets better with age. Maybe that’s why it fetches such a high price, costing more than $8 a glass in bars in and around my area.

You could say the same thing for the 58-year-old Brown, who seems to only gain momentum the longer his tenure at Texas lingers on and the more his top-ranked salary continues to climb.

In the 14 seasons prior to Brown’s hiring, the Longhorns had won only four conference titles (a number low according to Texas standards) between the old Southwest Conference and the Big 12, and needed a shot in the arm.

Mission accomplished. In Brown’s 12 seasons, Texas has won 10 or more games nine times, made a pair of national title game appearances, and won the crystal football in 2005.

And Brown and his Longhorns have shown absolutely no signs of slowing down, repeatedly churning out one of the nation’s highest-rated recruiting classes year after year.

Couple that with the fact that Brown is under contract through the 2016 season, and Texas may be winning games and conference titles with disturbing regularity by the time the head coach is ready to call it quits.

Photo credit: Matthew Emmons/US Presswire

2. Urban Meyer—Florida Gators (Reality Czeck)

Naturally, the Florida Gators will be back in 2010. The roster is already loaded with talent, and an overflow figures to take place when the remainder of this year’s top-ranked recruiting class arrives in Gainesville this summer.

But, assuming Meyer’s health concerns were nothing more than a large smoke screen, he’ll return this fall to man a Florida team that will be forced to cultivate some new stars.

Gone are quarterback Tim Tebow, cornerback Joe Haden, defensive end Carlos Dunlap, linebackers Brandon Spikes, Ryan Stamper, and Jermaine Cunningham, safety Major Wright, tight end Aaron Hernandez, offensive lineman Maurkice Pouncey, wide receiver Riley Cooper, and return specialist Brandon James, among others.

In the ultra-competitive SEC, where heavyweights Alabama and LSU reside and upstarts Auburn and Ole Miss lurk, Meyer will need some players to grow up quickly.

If they don’t, Meyer may be driven to drink, in which case he should reach for this Czech lager from California’s Moonlight Brewing Company. If nothing else, it’ll take some of the sting away from not having Jesus Christ’s spawn under center anymore.

Photo credit: Associated Press

1. Nick Saban—Alabama Crimson Tide (Olde English 800)

Known less for its bouquet of aromas than for its small price tag and drinkability, which enables the consumer to indulge in more than one bottle, OE 800 is reserved for the most intense, effective coach in college football.

And, right now, that coach is Alabama’s Nick Saban.

Contrary to reviews at Beer Advocate, which insists Olde English smells of homeless people, this malt liquor resembles everything that is right with the genuine, slightly blue-collar way in which Saban instructs his talent in Tuscaloosa.

A disciple of defensive mastermind Bill Belichick, Saban is a cerebral coach, and he teaches with such a real passion and ingrained knowledge of the game that you can almost justify his salary of more than $4 million.

To be honest, I had other, potentially more esteemed choices set aside for Saban, such as Belgium’s Andelot Cuvee Mystique or Russia’s herbal Ochakovskiy Kvass, but neither of those seemed to embody the eloquence of Saban’s budding legacy like an American-made product from Miller.

Photo credit: Associated Press