Natural disasters are becoming far too commonplace. Fresh in our collective memories are tragedies such as the Haitian earthquake, Hurricane Katrina, the Michael Dukakis presidential campaign, or Dave Navarro’s musical career.
In St. Louis this week, the U.S. National Park Service is taking steps to head off what could be a disaster of monumental proportions.
Hulk Hogan, possessor of the world’s largest naturally farm-raised mustache, will bring his comrades from TNA Wrestling to St. Louis at 2 p.m. on Friday, Feb. 26, for the “Hogan-Fu Fest” at Mike Shannon’s restaurant in downtown.
Clearly, TNA’s intentions are innocent enough. The legendary Hogan, his mustache, and fellow TNA wrestlers will hold this mustache-laden rally, meet wrestling fans, and provide free tickets to the upcoming “TNA Lockdown 2010″ on April 18 in nearby St. Charles, Mo.
What creates cause for concern – at least for biblical scholars and those of us at the American Mustached Institute who study these issues – is that several ancient texts including the Dead Sea Scrolls, Leviticus, the Book of Mormon, and Marie Claire magazine suggest it is a dangerous proposition to bring together the two largest mustaches in the world: that worn by Hulk Hogan and the Gateway Arch.
In speaking to an official with the Park Service, I asked about the concerns, and what, if anything, could be done to stabilize the Arch and protect those around it.
“At the appointed hour of Mr. Hogan’s visit to St. Louis, gather immediately any and all mustached citizens on the East bank of the Mississippi River, between roughly the Eads Bridge and the Poplar Street Bridge,” the official suggested. “This maneuver would aim to counter-balance the weight, both real and philosophical, of the world’s two largest mustaches occupying the West bank of the river. If executed correctly, this should ensure continued harmony and prevent both St. Louis and East St. Louis from sliding into the river.”
Sound counsel indeed from the National Park Service.
And while I would be remiss in dissuading anyone from attending what is sure to be a groundbreaking opportunity to stand within 10 meters of Hulk Hogan’s glorious lower nose garment at the “Hogan-Fu Fest” on Feb. 26 in St. Louis. In fact, I will be there along with the staff and administration of the American Mustache Institute.
But be sure to proceed with caution as the power of the world’s two largest mustaches are vast, resplendent, and potentially on course for a disaster of epic proportions that few, outside of Burt Reynolds, could possibly comprehend.