Savior Series: Let There Be Wrestling
And on the eighth day, God said, "Let there be...Wrestling, Jabroni!" Then he pile-drived Satan through a cumulus cloud.
The truth is I never much cared for Wrestling, not that I didn't like it, but I never got excited about it.
Then I happened to read Dick Normandy's "Hey Losers, You Do Know Wrestling is Fake, Right?" and "An Open Apology To Wrestling Fans."
Personally, I would've found some of it offensive—someone telling me that something I loved was fake—and reading some of the comments afterward I wondered if wrestling fans believed in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny.
But one man pointed out to me in Dick's "Open Apology" that wrestling for entertainment has been sanctioned in the Old Testament.
Yes, according to Adam, who, after a quip I made in jest about wrestling being condemned in the Bible (which it obviously is not) said, and I quote below:
"Please provide sourced examples of where wrestling is condemned in the Bible. I can actually provide you with Scripture references that show quite the opposite. There are no less than three passages in the Bible that specifically reference wrestling as symbolic of struggle.
"In the first and most prominent, Jacob heads to the desert to discover himself and who is he supposed to be and finds himself literally wrestling God. Thanks for your time and your effort, but guess what, at the end of the day, you're still a tool."
This got me thinking: wrestling does promote almost mythological types in togas, has a good-versus-evil dynamic, and let's face it—Mary Magdalene is really the first Diva.
So without further waiting I present the best WWE/Biblical Tag Teams in the history of the world.
When God found that the serpent had deceived Eve, he cursed him and commanded him to lay on his belly from now on. When Jake the Snake used the dreaded DDT, it left opponents on their belly.
What better way for an opponent to lose his focus than to stare into the eyes of the instrument by which man fell into sin.
Then, Jake could use his patented finisher, and when he was done he would leave the ring chewing on an apple.
On a side note, opponents would have less of chance as everyone from the ring to the pay-per-viewers could see Jake's third snake when he wore his spandex.
Randy Savage and Judas Iscariot
Macho Man will always be a hero to many wrestlers but there was one instance where Macho Man betrayed Hulk Hogan.
In 1989, Savage and Hogan formed the Mega Powers but when he slapped Hogan across the face during a match, well, let's just say Judas would've paid his 30 pieces of silver to be there.
It was a betrayal so bad, it makes one wonder if they had partnered during the Old Testament, would Macho Man have sold Jesus out just to do a flying elbow from the top of the cross?
John the Baptist and Mr. Perfect
For years, we had to endure Curt Hennig's pompous Mr. Perfect persona. It always reminded of John The Baptist's act in the Old Testament.
Really, I get John was born of a barren woman which he felt was a miracle itself, but I know people who've gotten pregnant while using a condom and they don't think they're second fiddle to Jesus.
How about Mr. Perfect? If he was so perfect then why did he only win the Intercontinental Belt twice? He never got the big one, just like the Baptist.
Somewhere, they are in heaven looking down on everyone saying how they would get things done down here. The arrogance.
The Grim Reaper and The Undertaker
Okay, so the origin of the Grim Reaper actually dates back to the Greeks but Death is mentioned enough in the Bible and The Undertaker has been around since the beginning of wrestling.
But I picture the Reaper more like the one from "Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey" with a goofy sideshow act to the Undertaker's fearful scowl and if they ever lost I could picture it like this:
As the reaper gets pinned, he turns to the Undertaker and shrugs, saying, "Sorry, they melvined me."
Hulk Hogan and Jesus Christ
Doesn't it just make sense?
Both are saviors of their cause. Jesus saves humanity and Hulkster saved wrestling.
Plus both seemed to come back after death even if Hogan came back and did that stupid Hollywood persona.
Besides, in the ring Hulk would be a perfect complement to Jesus' turning the other cheek as Hulk would wallop both ass cheeks of any opponent who tried to grapple with the Savior.
Also, while Hulk took care of business in the ring, Jesus could offer the crowd as much fish as they wanted making them an automatic crowd pleaser!