OK, so get this: Sportspoop senior golf correspondent Toonces just returned from Tiger Woods’ “press conference” in Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla., — yes, he was one of the shills who was invited to the event because, well, he loves him some Tiger.
Let’s just say Toonces is on top of the world right about now. Sure, he had to stand in an adjoining room while the four-time Masters champ spoke, but after warming Woods down with a neck rub when the much-ballyhooed public apology was complete, the crotchety old lush made his way back to the office.
Toonces’ nipples were still a little tender from all the self-tweaking today, but just before we turned out the lights for the weekend, he pulled back the bandages and produced a transcript from the meticulously choreographed presser.
So here I sit, writing this while Toonces and his buddies are working on their fifth vodka-tonics and attempt to convince themselves that in 20 years Americans actually will ask themselves, “Where were you when Tiger gave his apology speech?”
So, in an effort to add some clarity to today’s media fiasco, I’ve decided to share an inside look what the man who’s earned more than $1 billion (mostly due to endorsements and the public’s desire to buy the products he’s pitched) said and what he actually wanted to say:
What Woods said: My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners.
What he wanted to say: Look, this bitch might take nearly half my money. Do you really expect me to live the rest of my life on $400 million?
What Woods said: But still, I know I have bitterly disappointed all of you. I have made you question who I am and how I could have done the things I did.
What he wanted to say: The Elmer’s Pancake House waitress with those creamy, thick thighs was so worth all of this. In fact, she squealed like a pig for me.
What Woods said: Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. Elin never hit me that night or any other night.
What he wanted to say: She used an 8-iron on my ass after reading my texts. Personally, I would have used a driver, but I don’t believe she ever would have picked up that club if she didn’t love me. I mean my God, I have such a tiny penis … she has to love me, or my money. One of the two, I’m sure.
What Woods said: The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior. I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. What I did is not acceptable, and I am the only person to blame.
What he wanted to say: Let’s get this straight: I’ve made a billion dollars. Who here has made a billion dollars? Come on, let’s see a show of hands. Nobody? And again, for the record, I’d so hit that little pig from Elmer’s again. Maple syrup on those creamy, creamy thighs? Mmmmmmm, creamy, thick and tasty thighs.
What Woods said: I was wrong. I was foolish. I don’t get to play by different rules.
What he wanted to say: Not everyone in this room could hit that Elmer’s waitress if they wanted to. I’ll repeat the question … who here has made a billion dollars? If I missed someone, please, for the sweet love of God, step forward. The number I’m stuck on so far is ONE. If I’m missing any other person gathered here, please let me know.
What Woods said: I recognize I have brought this on myself, and I know above all I am the one who needs to change.
What he wanted to say: God, I should just blame my father for the way he raised me. He’s dead. What would it matter if I threw him under the bus right now?
What Woods said: I do plan to return to golf one day, I just don’t know when that day will be.
What he wanted to say: I’ll pick up a club when my public relations strategists tell me I can best repair my reputation and make the most money. I stopped loving the game long, long ago.
What Woods said: As I move forward, I will continue to receive help because I’ve learned that’s how people really do change. Starting tomorrow, I will leave for more treatment and more therapy.
What he wanted to say: Are you kidding me? That treatment facility I’ve been at has the horniest damn hotties running all over the freakin’ place. And did I mention that I’ve made a billion dollars? That type of coin will get you laid, Jack … in case you missed that point the first time around.
What Woods said: I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again.
What he wanted to say: I ask you to find room in your vaginas to one day believe I actually can please you again with this tiny penis. Daaaamn, I’m glad that’s finished. Who’s up for some Elmer’s pancakes?
And Woods’ mother, Kutilda?
What Broom Hilda said: I am upset the way the media treated him like he’s a criminal … he didn’t kill anybody, he didn’t do anything illegal.
What she wanted to say: Get this straight: We use media types, not the other way around.
What Hildegarde said: They’ve been carrying on from Thanksgiving until now, that’s not right.
What she wanted to say: We absolutely hate it when the media tells the truth.
What Olga said: The tabloids and newspapers just killed him.
What she wanted to say: Please, please, I beg you, kill him. With what’s-her-name out of the picture, I stand to earn some serious long green. Just how much is Michael Jackson’s mother drawing again?
What Earl’s wife said: Mom will always be there for you.
What she wanted to say: Mom will always be there for you, Mr. Moneybags.