Oh, that crafty Tiger Woods.
Only he can snap a 4-iron around a pine-tree while simultaneously carving a ball out from the woods, which was sitting on pine straw, and yet somehow save par at the difficult 11th hole at Augusta National in the 2007 Masters.
And only he can conduct a staged press conference while simultaneously acting remorseful for what he put his family through, which was due to his infidelity, and yet somehow remain focused enough to plan a difficult golf schedule with the expectations of playing well.
But that, ladies and gentleman, is what the one and only Mr. Tiger Woods did Friday afternoon at 11 a.m. live from the PGA headquarters at the TPC Sawgrass Clubhouse near Jacksonville.
The entire thing was a complete sham, but we tuned in because maybe, just maybe he might crack. We wanted to see if he would slip up and say something about his racy scandals. Maybe he would mention specific details about the relationship between him and Elin. Or maybe he would take a question from a real reporter.
But who were we kidding?
We knew what was really going to happen and we got what we expected.
We got a scripted speech that didn't change our view of Tiger. It didn’t matter if you hated him, loved him, or felt indifferent. Nothing changed at the end of his 15 minute dialogue.
And his little rant certainly didn't shed any light on the scandal that led to his public downward spiral and his absence from golf.
But we did get a random remark about performance enhancing drugs, reasons why he released photos of kids, and his Buddhist faith.
Can you get more random than this?
All we got was the announcement that he would like to return to golf and that he was going back to rehab facility for his sexy-time addiction.
The only thing we truly learned during his little spiel is how arrogant Woods really is. He knew what was going to happen and yet he still went through with a press conference that revealed almost nothing.
Thanks for wasting everyone's time, Tiger.
He had to know people were going to bring headphones to work so they could listen to Internet feeds of this circus while sitting in their cramped-in cubicles.
He had to know people were going to record this debacle in case something important came up in their otherwise dulls lives and their attention was diverted away from him flapping his gums.
And he had to know the media was going to analyze every word he spoke and attempt to figure out if there was some sort of cryptic DaVincian code left behind.
He had the American audience in the palm of his hand, and he did diddly poo with it. That’s for all you Jim Mora fans out there cause I know deep down inside you’re golf nuts.
He had the perfect opportunity to take a step in the right direction and he blew it. This press conference was the equivalent of him losing to Y.E. Yang in the PGA Championship last year.
This seemed like such a sure thing for Woods and yet he let it get away, just like the aforementioned golf tournament.
So now where does he go from here? Does he burrow back into his bunker only to emerge at night to hit glow-in-the-dark golf balls?
No one knows for sure. It seems like we are at his mercy and we must patiently wait for another staged event.
Too bad the next time around we’ll find something better to worry about.