Top Story: Overpaid Athletes Report to Florida Against Their Will
It’s that time of year, kids. Pitchers and catchers are reporting for spring training.
Screw the melting of snow or the days getting longer—this is the true first sign of spring.
You can look all over the various Tiger sites to read the “feel good” stories out there.
You can read how Joel Zumaya is feeling great this year. You know, like he does every spring?
You can read how Tom Brookens thinks Scotty Sizemore’s going to be better in the field this year because apparently Double-A ballpark infields are made of rock formations and land mines.
Perhaps you’ll even find one where Jim Leyland claims to really like his team this year. I love those.
You can read plenty of those stories that mean nothing right now.
But that’s not why you come to DesigNate Robertson, is it? Oh no. Well, just for you, my half-dozen dear readers, Your Party Host dispatched one of his spies down to Lakeland, Florida, and my dude turned up some great stuff. Here’s a list of several things that were overheard on the first day of pitchers and catchers reporting.
“Why is there a freaking gorilla on the field? Oh. The Avila kid forgot to shave again.”
“Gerald! Tell your grandpa to get the f-ck away from my wife!”
“Johnny Damon? Great. Just what this team needs, to waste money on a washed-up piece of...oh, hey, Nate. Good to see you.”
“What you mean Glandelson tladed? He owe Ni hundled dorrals on Wolrd Selies bet!”
“Want to see JV go nuts? Remind him that Nate, Dontrelle, and Bondo are all each making almost twice what he is this year. It’s priceless.”
“Were Dombrowski and St. Pierre’s dad in ‘Nam together or something? Dude’s been invited to spring training for like ten years now.”
“Someone get Scherzer some sunglasses. Porcello’s scared of his eyes and won’t come out of the clubhouse.”
“Really? It’s spelled R-O-B-I-N-Z-O-N? What are you, some kinda fruit? Not that there’s anything wrong with that...”
“Brad Thomas? Wasn’t he the tall, grumpy brother on Everybody Loves Raymond?”
“Hey, Laird! Your brother just tried to beat up the bat boy. Hope you have bail money.”
“Zoom wants us all to get bombed before the other guys get here. You know Cabrera’s gonna be all preachy this year.”
“So...which one of us do you think is going to New York next?”
“Yeah, well, my kid tried telling me he’s failing math because he has an anxiety disorder. So, I told that lazy, lying, sonofa...Dontrelle! Long time no see! How ya feeling?”
“You’re an idiot. Porcello doesn’t look like The Situation.”
“For April Fool’s, I talked Dave into telling Nate they want to give him a four-year extension. It’s gonna be great.”
“Jim can’t smoke at the park starting in May. Fifty bucks says a reporter dies by June.”
“Phil Coke just asked me where the personal assistants, leather dugout seats, and candy dishes full of hundred dollar bills are. Stupid Yankees.”
“G-Money! Why’s your grandpa drooling and staring at my girlfriend’s ass?”
“Wait. One, two, thlee, foll, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, EREVEN reft-handels in camp? What the herr is going on alound hele? Ni is being sclewed.”
“Yeah, so Knapp’s over there teaching Valverde that to close in Detroit, he’s not going to be a success unless he starts walking a few more guys and allowing occasional hits. I don’t get it either, but that’s how Leyland likes it done.”
“Ohhh. Seay-Lyon! I get it now! Oh, well. Too late, I guess. Wait. Bobby, get Perry over here. How about Seay-Ryan? Huh? Just don’t say it in front of Fu. Apparently, that’s racist.”
“Cody? Casey? Robbie? Do any of these kids have a name that doesn’t sound like they’re in a boy band?”
“Rabello’s back? Jesus Christ, if I see Robert Fick or Randall Simon show up, I’m out of here.”
“Hey, I’ve got some tickets to the Phoenix-Orlando game coming up. Anyone want to go? No, not you, Gerald. Nothing personal.”
Yup. There’s some time taken out of your life that you’ll never get back. You’re welcome.
In Other News
Johnny Not on the Spot
If Johnny Damon doesn’t end up signing with the Tigers, he might end up the most hated guy in Detroit sports history. Hell, the way things are going, he might end up like that no matter what.
In the past week, it has been reported that the White Sox have made it a two-team race with the Tigers for Damon’s services. Their offer is said to be at $4.5 million compared to the Tigers' offer of $7 million, but the Damon/Boras camp is letting people know that Chicago might be where Johnny goes.
It was said that Damon and his wife would prefer him to play in a more “cosmopolitan” city than Detroit. Chicago is certainly that. It is also home to thousands of people who have a diet consisting of primarily sausage, cheese, and cheese-filled sausage.
The sickest report that I read this week about Damon was the one that had him golfing on Monday with White Sox catcher and all-around douchebag A.J. Pierzynski and the most annoying sports analyst on the planet, Hawk Harrelson of the Sox.
Really, Johnny? Those two? Hell, I don’t even think Miguel Cabrera would be caught drinking with that pair.
Toward the end of the week, both Ken Rosenthal and Joe Cowley were reporting that the Sox had gone from long shots to favorites in the race for Damon’s services. However, Thursday, Scot Gregor of the Daily Herald reported that GM Ken Williams wasn’t willing to discuss the Sox’s interest in Damon. He is thinking this means that Johnny has chosen Detroit.
Whatever the case may be, I think I speak for everyone when I say HURRY THE F-CK UP AND MAKE UP YOUR F-CKING MIND, JOHNNY! If Damon were a girl I was trying to pick up in a bar, I’d have left a long time ago and would be in a cell facing rape charges on another chick by now. That's how I roll.
If by chance Damon doesn’t sign, at this point there are only a couple left-handed bats left on the free agent scrap heap. Carlos Delgado, Russell Branyan, Hank Blalock, Felipe Lopez, and Garret Anderson are the only ones I’ve seen that might be capable of making any kind of impact.
Delgado’s saying he’s going to wait a couple months, from what I’ve read. Branyan has narrowed his choices down to the Indians and Rays, according to reports. Anderson’s older than dirt. So, Blalock and Lopez may our only choices left if Ozzie’s Filthy Sox land Damon.
Is it 2011 yet?
Dude, Where’s My Balls?
Our Hero reportedly had groin surgery in November due to lasting discomfort from his prior surgery. Life keeps kicking Nate Robertson in the balls. Perhaps I should give him a break.
Just one more year of him...
The Further Adventures of the Marlboro Man
Jim Leyland said that umpire Randy Marsh apologized to him for missing Brandon Inge getting hit by a pitch in a pivotal moment of Game 163. Randy Marsh still remains on my list of people to kill when I finally lose it. I don’t care how funny he is on South Park.
Leyland also admitted this week that he may cheat when the smoking ban hits Michigan on May 1. As someone that works in a bar, those fines add up quickly if you get caught. Leyland could end up the most fined person in Detroit sports history since the Bad Boys days of the Pistons. Be careful, Jimbo.
Designate One of These Clowns
The following Tigers are out of options and have less than five years of service time: Don Kelly, Brad Thomas, Bobby Seay, and Ramon Santiago. They would have to clear waivers before being sent to the minors if the Tigers decide they don’t have room for them.
Well, Ramon and Bobby aren’t going anywhere unless it’s a trade. Kelly is garbage. I say cut him now. As for Thomas, I can’t see him making the team, but I know about as much about him as I do about brain surgery.
Always a Tiger News via MLB Trade Rumors
Cody Ross won his arbitration hearing with the Marlins. He’s going to pull in $4.45 million instead of the $4.2 million that the Fish offered him. Only in Florida would there be an arbitration case over such a small amount. Yet those pricks have two recent World Series wins. Sometimes I hate baseball.
MLB.com’s Bill Ladson wrote that Gary Sheffield would not be a good fit for the Nationals, as he wants to play every day. Ladson spoke to a source who believes that Sheff won’t accept a role as a backup.
You know, Gary might be a pain in the ass, but you have to respect his complete lack of understanding reality. Him and Pudge are two of a kind. Wait, Washington signed Pudge...why not Sheff? That would be an awesome train wreck to watch.
Jair Jurrjens needs a scan to determine the cause of soreness in his right shoulder. You see? Double D is never wrong! Goodbye, Jair. Nice to know you. Wait...we got Edgar Renteria for him. Call it a push, then?
The Diamondbacks and Edwin Jackson avoided arbitration, agreeing to a two-year, $13.35 million deal. EJax will get $4.2 million this year and $8.35 next year. He also receives an $800K signing bonus. Good for Edwin. He pitched Nate-like at times in the second half, but his awesome first half was a big reason we were there at the end.
Congrats to my least favorite Tiger position player not named Don Kelly, as Clete Thomas and his wife Susie had a kid on Jan. 30. They named it Brooks Massey Thomas. Brooks is Susie’s maiden name and Massey is Clete’s grandfather’s name. Rumor has it that the kid already has a better swing at the plate than Clete does.
Eff that. No one ever plugs me. And I'm tired. And a deaf guy did karaoke at my bar tonight. And they played that SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS song. I'm miserable.
See you next time when we discuss how the Padres or someone else stupid is in the Damon sweepstakes. Until then, think warm, be good, and pray that Zumaya doesn’t blow up his shoulder on the first fastball he throws.