Back in 1990, George Carlin did an HBO Special entitled 'Doin' It Again' (the album is Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics), where he spoofed on (among other things) feminism, rape, his dog, euthanasia, and other absurdities in life. This piece is a sports version expansion of his 3 bits on "Things You Never See", "Things You Never Hear" and "Things You Don't Want to Hear". Hopefully, if you're a fan of George Carlin the genius comedic satirist who died last weekend and a sports fan, you'll enjoy this.
Things You Never See
Chien-Ming Wang practicing running the bases.
Gilbert Arenas passing the ball even when double-teamed late in the 4th quarter and down by one.
Shaquille O'Neal demonstrating free-throw technique.
An NBA referee actually calling traveling.
Charles Barkley looking thin on live TV.
Someone famous at a MLS game unless it's Beckham's first game.
Tiger Woods catching a hockey game.
Mike Hampton going a month without hurting himself.
Carl Pavano pitching a complete game for the Yankees.
Manny Ramirez looking graceful in the outfield.
A Stanley Cup MVP who's clean shaven when the clock hits 0:00.
Things You Never Hear
Barry Bonds: "Of course Greg Andersen told me they were steroids. I knew it all along"
Roger Clemens: "So what's wrong with cheating on your wife with a 15 year-old country singer?"
Joe Morgan: "I can't remember the last time I did a Sunday Night Baseball broadcast and didn't screw up at least a dozen things during those 3 hours"
Joe Torre: "You have no idea how happy I am that I don't have to listen to those f****** Steinbrenners any more !"
Kobe Bryant: "I'm glad I came right to the NBA out of high school. I can't handle making $20 million a year and not even having to play defense. What made you think I'd actually get through college, let alone a year of it?"
200+ other NBA and former college players: "Of course I just wanted the money. I have a double-digit IQ and no real skills. Who else would give me a job for more than $5 an hour?"
Shaquille O'Neal: "Nash. Amare. Slow down. I'm old, fat and outta shape"
Tiger Woods: "There's a reason I dissed hockey. I can't skate and getting checked into the boards would really hurt"
Pacman Jones: "You know those things I'm being investigated for. I lied. I really am that stupid to get in trouble that much. Officer, cuff me. You going to read me my Natasha rights?"
George Steinbrenner: "Let's build for next year and trade some of our veterans for prospects"
Retief Goosen: "Wow, Tiger can really beat anyone on one leg. How much do you think he'll beat me by at next year's US Open once he's healthy?"
Donald Fehr: "You're right. We really do need a hard salary cap. Is $75 million for the 40-man roster too much?"
David Stern: "At least half of the NBA championships in the last 20 years aren't real. I've been fixing games for a lot longer than that though. I only started fixing the playoffs after Magic retired."
Wayne Gretzky: "I'd be a brilliant coach if mine and Messier's kids were old enough to play in the NHL."
Jimmy Johnson: "How do you like my new rug?"
Terry Bradshaw: "Man, I really do act like an idiot on TV. It's an act only half of the time, though"
Alex Rodriguez: "The average fan pays too much for tickets anyway. Take back $26 million of my salary this year and drop prices so more families can come to a game"
Things You Don't Want to Hear
"Throwing out the Ceremonial First Pitch tonight. President George W. Bush"
"Today NFL owners approved Condoleeza Rice as the next Commissioner of the NFL"
"Turns out that what the Raiders used in the '70s wasn't Stickum after all"
"After winning the Kentucky Derby, Big Brown farted right near a cigar and burned the hair off 5 nearby spectators"
"Roger Clemens' wife tells the New York Post how her husband had no need for a cup and jock strap for 5 years due to his steroid use, and he routinely bled a lot from his buttocks"
Hope you had a few laughs.