NBA Trade Rumors: Amare Stoudemire Trade Drama a Lot Like a Friends Storyline

Greg EspositoContributor IIFebruary 5, 2010

PHOENIX - FEBRUARY 6:  Peja Stojakovic #16 of the New Orleans Hornets shoots over Amare' Stoudemire #1 of the Phoenix Suns on February 6, 2008 at US Airways Center in Phoenix, Arizona. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this Photograph, user is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement.(Photo by Domenic Centofanti/Getty Images)
Domenic Centofanti/Getty Images

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Anyone else sick of hearing rumors about Amare Stoudemire ?

I certainly am.

Trade rumors make for great web traffic numbers and interesting debates, but after over two years of talk, I’m at my breaking point.

There are only so many times one person can go to the ESPN Trade Machine to see if salaries match and only so many “Amare is a slacker” jokes that can be made (honestly, I had a million of them, and I’m completely out).

The Amare Stoudemire -Phoenix Suns trade rumor “love affair” reminds me of one of our nation’s most confusing obsessions.

The Suns and STAT are the NBA’s version of Ross and Rachel.

I said it. The Valley’s basketball team, its all-star “center,” and the drama surrounding their relationship is equivalent to a television sitcom sappy love story.

I’ll admit it, the Sports Retorter was a Friends fan—I was a teenager and had a thing for Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, and yes, even Lisa Kudrow. Please forgive me.

As someone who watched the show, I remember the attention that the back and forth relationship between Jennifer Aniston’s and David Schwimmer’s characters was massive. At the height of the show’s popularity, you could find people everywhere—at least that’s how I remember it—debating about whether the two would finally “make it happen.”

After a while it just became an annoying, persistent storyline that continued until the final episode of the show and it never had any real resolution.

That’s exactly what Suns fans are going through right now. The trade talk was fun for a little while imagining who might be the newest Sun, but after years of debate with no resolution, it’s growing tiresome.

Think about it for a second. Both situations include constant back and forth “will-they, won’t-they” drama. In both situations, one side gets jealous by the other flirting with a third party—Amare’s summer media tour was more flirtatious than any Rachel laugh or low cut shirt—and the people observing both just want something to happen already.

You’re probably wondering who’s Ross and who’s Rachel (if you aren’t, keep to yourselves).

Amare has to be Rachel. Like her, on the surface he looks great. He has superstar potential and gets most of the attention out of the two. But when you look a little bit closer, both are a little annoying, completely over-hyped, spend more time laying down than working and not worth the money it takes to please them.

The Suns are Ross. Dependable, always there, the punching bag for many people and consistently disappointing but lovable nonetheless. I’m pretty sure Ross’ failed attempts at long-term relationships are equal to the Suns’ failed attempts to win a championship.

A great philosopher once said something that applies to both situations. “S*&t, or get off the pot.”

If Steve Kerr and the Suns’ brass really don’t want to trade Amare, stop flirting with the idea of it and talking to other general managers. Save everybody the time and just propose to him already (propose a new deal, that is).

That, or propose a “break” with Stoudemire. Trade him before the deadline but promise him that you’ll resign him in the offseason after both sides realize just what they have currently. Just be careful, that didn’t work out so well for Ross and Rachel.

Like the piece? Dislike the piece? Got a better television/movie analogy for the Stoudemire situation? Let The Sports Retorter know in the comment sections below.