Super Bowl XLIV: Answers To Five Questions Your Girlfriend Might Ask

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Super Bowl XLIV: Answers To Five Questions Your Girlfriend Might Ask
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Unless your team is actually playing, Super Bowl Sunday is more about the food, the festivities, and the spectacle than it is about the actually game. The neighborhood Super Bowl party has become a staple of American society…

Over the years it has evolved into a national holiday, and no big game event involves less actual game watching.

I realize there may be people out there who do not agree, but as a Browns fan the notion of actually rooting for my team in the Super Bowl is so overwhelming and unbelievable that my brain actually melts before I can get into too much detail.

Anyway, the point is many of us will be attending a Super Bowl party with a few people who aren’t entirely focused on the actual game or who don’t follow football or sports in general. This is the thing that makes the Super Bowl party more special than any other—it’s for everyone.

Football fan or not we all gather socially with friends, family, and significant others to celebrate what is truly important in America such as alcohol, expensive commercials, extravagant musical performances, casual gambling, etc.

So with that in mind, here are the answers to five Super Bowl questions your non-fanatical friend, wife, or girlfriend might ask at the party.


What is that thing on Drew Brees’ face?


This is a good one actually. I too have been bothered by that huge scar on Brees’ cheek for a long while so I finally looked it up. The answer (via Wikipedia which quotes a New York Times article) is that it’s only a birthmark. That's it.

I was actually crushed to find out this wasn't some kind of battle scar he got it in a knife fight, so don't feel bad exaggerating your answer here for fun.


Why is the game in Miami again?


Fair question, since the Super Bowl was held in Miami just four years ago. Your answer here is pretty basic:  The host city has to be able to handle a large influx of visitors and it has to be nice in February.

This is the NFL’s Spring Break, so Miami is a pretty safe call every few years, over a place like Buffalo for example. In fact, no city has hosted the Super Bowl more than Miami’s 10 times. New Orleans is second with nine, and they have their 10th booked already for 2013.

The Super Bowl has only been played north of the state of Tennessee three times in its 44 year history: once in Pontiac, Michigan (1982), Minneapolis (1992), and Detroit (2006). 

Finally, the four year gap between Miami’s last Super Bowl in 2007 is nowhere near the shortest in history. That distinction goes to (surprise) Miami, when it hosted the game three times in four years (1968, 1969, and 1971).

In short, Miami is awesome and you should go there too.


What is Peyton doing?


Possible question from a casual fan who has never noticed Peyton Manning hopping around behind the line and yelling at everyone before each snap.

All you have to say is: Manning is without a doubt, the smartest player in football. When the two teams come together and get lined up, he looks out at the defense and is able to diagnose how they are about to attack him. His brain is part robot, so what he sees is just like what the Terminator sees when analyzing humans to find out if their clothes will fit him.

His coaches don’t just give him one play in the huddle, but three to five which he chooses from and tweaks. He is just telling his teammates what he wants them to do. 

 

Possible Follow-up Question: Does Peyton even need a coach then?


The answer is no. He has a good partnership with his 105 year old Offensive Coordinator, but everyone basically does what Manning wants. If he wins this Super Bowl it would be his second, making it OK to officially regard him as the greatest quarterback ever.

 


Why The Who?


The Who are performing at halftime and while they were a great rock group in their day, they’re not exactly today's news. This is the No Fun League’s reaction to the infamous 2004 Wardrobe Malfunction, when Justin Timberlake exposed Janet Jackson’s breast on national television. MTV used to produce the halftime show but after Nipplegate, the NFL was fined by the FCC and announced MTV was out the picture forever.

So ever since, the halftime show has turned into a lifetime achievement award for safer and older musicians who have no intention of getting naked. The musical acts following Janet and Justin have been: Paul McCartney (2005), The Rolling Stones (2006), Prince (2007), Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers (2008), Bruce Springsteen (2009), and now The Who.

The musical acts preceding the Wardrobe Malfunction included Christina Aguilera (2000), Britney Spears (2001), No Doubt (2003), Nelly and Kid Rock (2004). Actually maybe they did us a favor.

Ironically, Bruce Springsteen managed to ram his crotch into a camera while sliding on his knees on stage last year, and The Who may still have that move in their repertoire. 

 


Who was that dork?


This will inevitably be asked, possibly in anger, after Tim Tebow's anit-abortion message is shown during a commercial break. Your answer here can be simple: That was the University of Florida’s quarterback this year. People say he is one of the greatest college quarterbacks ever, but he is going to be a horrible NFL player, so he is auditioning for governor or mayor or something

 

Possible follow-up question: Why won’t Tebow be any good in the Pros?


Feel free to go with any of the following: Because his college teammates were always dramatically better than their opponents and that won’t be the case in the NFL; He can’t throw the ball at all, he is better at running; He won’t be able to run in the NFL either because everyone is faster there; Because he is a virgin.


I hope this has been helpful, enjoy the festivities.

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