1. The Two-Week Buildup: Play the game a week after the conference championships and maybe Phil Simms won't be able to get there in time.
2. The Postgame Ratings of Commercials: All we need say about this nonsensical practice is that one year Budweiser's farting horses topped most of the lists.
3. The Halftime Show: How sad it is it to see once truly rebellious rockers like the Rolling Stones or this year's featured act, The Who, selling their guitar-smashing souls. Why not just have wardrobe malfunctions and forget the music? Then again, if the NFL ever resurrects Up With People, the ensuing mass hari-kari could make for interesting viewing.
4. Super Bowl Parties: Since when did we need an excuse to overeat and overdrink while cemented to a sofa?
5. The Feel-Good Stories: Usually it's a sappy obsession with who's recovering from cancer or who's wife is expecting or who's dad just died. This year we'll be flooded—you should pardon the expression—with stories of how the Saints are lifting post-Katrina New Orleans' spirits. New Orleans' tourist hungry leaders ought to ask themselves this question: If a city needs a football team to feel good about itself, why on earth would anyone ever want to visit?
6. Media Day: Yes, we're certain to get honest, heartfelt responses from players who are seated at podiums while surrounded by hundreds of jostling cameras, tape recorders, cellphones, IPods, and God knows what other eavesdropping equipment poised for a gaffe that can be posted and played endlessly for millions on YouTube.
7. Bogus Corporate Events: Believe me, you've seen one Pampers and Pringles Celebrity Okra-eating Contest, you've seen them all.
8. Jet Flyovers: Is the brief testosterone rush worth the risk of slamming a sound barrier-busting F-15 into a venue filled with 80,000 people?
9. The Endless Pregame Shows: Anything beyond 30 minutes-worth of Dan Marino and Sterling Sharpe ought to be a felony.
10. Meaningless Numerical References: We don't care that the 4,768 media members consumed 808,467 hot dogs, 2,045 cases of Cheez Whiz and 4 million free beers. That happens every week during the regular season.