I'm a moron.
That's about the only explanation I can give as to why I keep thinking about this stuff.
Ever since my last "WTF?!" article garnered so much attention, I've slaved away at my computer, searching out the weirdest, strangest, and most bizarre stories to emerge from the pro wrestling underbelly in the last 10 years.
After alienating my friends, family, and moral compass for the last month, I think I've found enough entries to work with.
So if you're up there, Superman, please let this be the last time I ever Google "Pro Wrestling Penis Ass Poop."
On with the list.
If you hadn’t picked up from my last installment, it plain out sucked being an ex-ECW Champion in the 2000s.
Removed from their cubbyhole in Philadelphia, the members of the Tribe of Extreme were forced to wander around the deserts of Velocity, Metal, and HeAT for what felt like 40 years.
Yeah, times have been tough for the stars of ECW. That’s why it came of little surprise when, at an afterparty following Wrestlemania 21, the last ECW Champion played job boy to a hotel room lamp.
Go back and reread that.
If you held any romantic notions that there was any justice in the world, that last sentence should hit you like a Gore to the crotch.
While arguing with his wife in the lobby of the hotel, the artist formerly known as “Rhyno” apparently lost his cool and decided to send a poor desk lamp to its maker.
But it was the lamp that got the last laugh.
Rhino (now with 45% more “i”) was fired for the outburst and banished to the Land of the Lost, where he jobbed in perpetuity to Jeff Jarrett for what felt like another 40 years.
Since then, Rhino’s only claim to fame has been tossing his original ECW belt into a burning trash can on an episode of TNA iMPACT!
Given his hatred of light sources, it’s a good thing he didn’t toss that into the crowd–no one wants to be the guy who jobs to a Hobo Heater.
1.) The principle of retributive justice determining a person's state of life and the state of his reincarnations as the effect of his past deeds.
2.) The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny.
3.) The sins of a jackass who was known for burning his bridges coming to fruition in the form of an tight t-shirt.
Look for the renegade pull-over and The Horse-Faced Warrior to square off at the next CSWF event, "Superbrawl Super Saturday: I Don’t Even Know What It’s Called?!"
There isn’t anything about this incident that hasn’t already been covered, talked about, and examined, so let’s just stick to the “tale of the tape,” shall we?
Please take a look at the woman on your left. It doesn’t take a sociologist to realize that someone as intimidating as Awesome Kong would be referred to as “Alpha” in even the most patriarchal of societies.
Now take a look at the specimen to her right. Scientists call this creature "Homo Douchebagus"–a bipedal simian known as much for mimicking the worst qualities of Howard Stern as he is for skinning the cast members of Jersey Shore and wearing their hides like a greasy quilt.
It’s important to differentiate these two creatures, as on the surface they appear to be of equal strength.
However, these equalities are negated by raw emotion, which the latter is adept at irritating, and the former uses as fuel to hurt other people.
It’s for this reason that this contest was really a no-contest. It’s a shame that a cameraman wasn’t there to capture the only compelling storyline the company has managed to produce in months.
If Bischoff and Dixie want to beat the WWE, it’s time to start cracking a few eggs...and skulls.
To be the best, you gotta beat the best; and the guy driving behind him; and the forces of comedic folly.
By 2005, Ric Flair was looking to wind his career down to a simmer with a lengthy reign as Intercontinental Champion and a feud with HHH.
As Flair was about to prove, you can teach an old dog a new trick, as the Nature Boy added a choke hold to his move list.
Sadly, he applied it on the streets of Charlotte, where the laws of the wrestling world no longer applied.
In this real-life brouhaha, the 21-time World Champion wrapped his hands around the neck a fellow motorist in an instance of road rage.
This is the only one of the entries on this list to make its way onto a WWE program, as Edge ridiculed the incident in his quest to become the Most Awesome Wrestler in the Universe.
The Ric Flair 2K Saga doesn’t end there: In 2007, Flair opened up his own financial agency, Ric Flair Finance.
The business closed shop in 2008, thanks to its proprietor’s obsession with renovating Space Mountain.
OK, that last part was a lie–the part about Space Mountain, I mean, not about the business shutting down. No one would invest in a product that hasn't made money since 1990.
Unless you happen to be Flair’s current employer.
Juventud Guerrera could fill this list out on his own. Just check out how he was fired from WCW. Hunter Thompson would be proud.
But in March 2009, Guerrera was on the receiving end of…you know what? Here’s Juvi to explain what happened.
“I opened the bag to find human feces inside.”
One of the many tales in wrestling history is that of the fabled dump-in-your-gym-bag routine. The first time I heard this rumor, it was between Sunny and Razor Ramon. Sable also mentioned it in her $bajillion lawsuit against the WWF in 1999.
However, this was the first time a major news outlet confirmed said dump in said bag, and its very existence was just the icing on a stinky, layered cake.
Konnan and Juvi have had beef with one another since their days in WCW. With both of them working for Mexico’s AAA again, this beef would become violent.
What caused this tension is still unknown, but what is known is that it was strong enough to cause K-Dawg to drop trou on the Youth Warrior’s personal effects.
When Juvi confronted Konnan about the matter of the turd in his bag, he was jumped by Jack Evans, who held him down while Konnan pummeled Juvi into raw hamburger.
The end result was a battered Guerrera leaving AAA, where Konnan has reigned supreme as head honcho since his return.
And just like this entry started, I’ll leave it to Hunter Thompson to wrap it up.
“Never turn your back on a drug addiction–especially when it’s wielding the book and a loaded colon in your face.”
Me: I'm telling you, pro wrestling has changed! The people involved in it nowadays are just as educated as any other performer in show business.
Dad: Like that guy on MSNBC, Layfield?
Me: Yeah, him, he's articulate. A bit of a jerk, but articulate. He even has a book.
Dad: What was he kicked off MSNBC for?
Me: Uh, goose-stepping in Germany.
Dad: I see.
Me: But but, not all of them are like that! Some of them have even moved into other forms of media.
Dad: Like Warrior?
Me: How did you know that was his name?
Dad: It's on his name bar on C-SPAN. He was also in the newspaper for telling students that "queering don't make the world work."
Me: Screw you, dad.