The Saints have a slim chance of overcoming the Super Bowl odds and upsetting the Colts. What about your chances of you getting some damn peace and quiet from your significant other during this fiasco? It’s harrowing enough to have some action on the Super bowl betting line. You don’t need some harpy nagging you along the way. Time to unload some excesses baggage!
GET RID OF HER COMPLETELY
10. Lie To Her Face
There’s a reason this option is the worst—it can cause an absolute maelstrom if she ever finds out. Chances are that you lack the tactical guile of Jack Bauer , so she probably will, but for those sweet, delicious hours that she thinks you’re visiting a dying grandmother or busy at work on a Sunday, you’ll be left all alone to track your Super Bowl 2010 betting. By the time you stumble home wreaking of alcohol and cigarettes with a dumb grin on your face, you’ll be so drunk you won’t even care that she’s bashing your car with a baseball bat. Besides, when I’m wasted, I prefer sleeping on the couch anyways!
9. Start A Fight
The easy “get out of jail for a couple hours” move is to just fight about something and storm out. Drop one-liners like “my friends are so much more fun than you” or “all you’d do by coming to the Super Bowl party is ruin it for me” and she won’t even want to be around you, let alone be your date. Deal with the backlash later because you have a Super Bowl to watch. Hell if you’re really desperate just do ungodly things like leaving a picture of her best friend in a bikini on the bathroom counter. Guaranteed you’ve never seen a girlfriend go from “zero to Kazemi” so fast. Just hide all the sharp objects around the house. Seriously.
8. Bet A Hideous Amount Of Money
A favored tactic by my buddy Dirty Nate, who lies to his girlfriend about how much money he bets on games. They have a joint bank account so she can check these things (note: don’t get a joint bank account until you’re married) and when he suddenly withdraws $5000 for no apparent reason, she’s pretty quick with the inquisition. His girlfriend is so disgusted by this imaginary habit of his that she can’t stand being around him while he watches games because he’s absolutely intolerable.
Truth is that Dirty Nate has never bet more than $100 on a game. So why does this work? Because she loves him to death, and he uses it against her to get some private time. It’s set up throughout the betting season as he wildly flips out over last-minute touchdowns, another Jay Cutler interception, or a field goal sailing wide to the right. The guy hates losing, even if it’s just over $100, and most girlfriends hate seeing their boyfriends as degenerates. Eventually, he’ll deposit the money back in to the account because it never really went anywhere but in to the closet and he’ll claim he just made a big win. In the meantime, however, his girlfriend leaves him alone because she honestly believes that giving him the cold shoulder will somehow make him change. Girls can be so dumb sometimes.
Of course, the only detracting effect from this move is the dreaded, “I’m going to call your mother!” routine that a belligerent girlfriend will eventually unleash. Don’t worry because Dirty Nate already come up with a steadfast response: “I’m a grown ass man!” Somehow it works.
BLACKOUT IN EFFECT
7. The Houdini
Blackout drunk the Saturday before the Super Bowl, a timely sleep over at one of your buddy’s places and you forgot your cell phone charger at home. Whoops! When she claims that you should know her number by heart just tell her that that’s what cell phones are for.
6. The Swerve
Tell her you’re going to Place A, which can be somebody’s house or another bar, and then just go to Place B. “What do you mean you couldn’t find Fictitious McGinty’s Irish Pub?! It’s right on Imaginary Boulevard just off Solitude Highway! Aw damn, I must’ve given you bad directions. Anyway—you missed a GREAT GAME!” You get the idea.
5. The Passout
So she’s coming with you. You’ve tried everything and she isn’t budging. You know what shuts up a chatty, annoying, attention seeking girlfriend? About 6 shots of tequila in about ten minutes. It’s $40 well spent. By kick-off she’ll be so drunk she’ll either have to go home, or you she’ll be comatose, in which case you just bury her under everyone’s coats. Be considerate and check on her every other commercial break to make sure she hasn’t swallowed her tongue. Love is not letting your girlfriend die because she choked on her own vomit.
DID YOU SAY “ROAD TRIP”?
4. Get Out Of Town
It’s that time of year to visit old friends and family, and guess who’s not invited. Plan a trip to get out of dodge and head to an old college pal’s hometown to watch the game instead. Those are air miles well spent. When she asks why she can’t come, it’s the simple answer of “it’s a guy’s thing, honey”. If you’re smart you’ll plan something sweet for your return like a nice night out on the town or another trip with just the two of you. On the other hand, if you’re an idiot (or just broke) you’ll have to prepare for about two weeks of sulky girlfriend. The latter isn’t a perfect resolution, but it’s way cheaper.
3. Road Trip!
Any girl who willingly wants to get in a mini-van with seven other dudes is not the kind of girl you ever want to be dating. Test this notion by planning a road trip to Miami for Super Bowl XLIV . “There’s not enough room in the van” and “Really? You want to get in a car for two days with my stinky friends while we shack up at motels in dangerous neighborhoods to save money?” should bail you out of her wanting to come.
Of course if you’re a real dickhead, you can just call her from the car saying “The guy’s kidnapped me! We’re on our way to Miami! I guess they somehow got in to my apartment and packed a bag for me! See you on Tuesday!”
GET HER INVOLVED
2. Girlfriend = Cheap Catering
Nothing says “I love you” like scallops wrapped in bacon . Throw a party, invite every single person you know and she’ll be so busy cooking and preparing the house that she’ll have her hands full the entire game. Send her on beer runs, make sure you compliment her party planning skills incessantly and force you’re fat buddies to gobble up any food that she serves. Be smart and stock up on any supplies she might need in excess. I don’t care if it’s wasteful. Running to the grocery store as Peyton Manning is on a game-winning drive is a bigger waste to me. By the end of the party, make sure you compliment her wildly about her food in front of everyone else. She’ll be so proud that she threw the “best Super Bowl party ever” that she won’t even notice you’re treating her like a pet terrier that performed circus tricks for the entertainment of others.
1. The Super Bowl Is Dude Christmas
Women are emotional creatures. I don’t get them. You don’t get them. Hell, even the pope is smart enough to exercise a loophole in Catholicism that says he can’t get hitched. So appeal to her notion of sensitivity. Explain to her that this day is one of most sacred days in all of sports, and that this has become the best day of your year ever since you learned that Santa wasn’t real. Emphasize that it’s the end of football season, and after this there won’t be anymore football for six agonizing months. It helps if you cry after the Super Bowl, regardless of whether you lost a bet or not. Football’s over and now we don’t even have the Pro Bowl afterwards to wean us off our addiction. She’ll see a light at the end of the tunnel if she’s a football hater like most girlfriends, and that will be enough to buy you three hours to enjoy the game in peace.
Good luck, my friends.