Thinking Outside the Box: Inside the Raiders' Draft Room
There's only one way to win championships the Oakland Raiders' way:
From Ray Guy to Jim Otto to Fred Biletnikoff to Sebastian Janikowski to James Jett to Greg Biekert, they can win by finding someone extremely good at their positions, and bringing out the best in them.
Inside the Oakland Raiders' 'War Room,' a collection of men, including Al Davis, Randy Hanson, and Tom Cable, pour over collegiate tape in anticipation of this year's draft.
John Herrera says Al Davis "has a few surprises" this draft, and one look at the brief schematics offered to pool reporters, we can now see the Raiders are truly "thinking outside the box."
If used on special teams, a modern Nascar can bring the football back the entire length of the field unimpeded. Modern Nascar engines are cast-steel Dodge blocks with cubic displacements of 358 inches (5.87 liters)and up to a maximum of 750 horsepower.
On an offensive line as an eligible running back, a modern Nascar can accelerate straight ahead the length of a football field in 1.9 seconds.
The cooling systems are phenomenal.
Exceeds most combine times of collegiate athletes.
Will have to pay a driver.
NFL Player's Union adamantly opposed to octane testing in performance vehicles.
Casualties on field.
These are the fastest land animals. A cheetah recently clocked in Cincinnati ran 100 meters in 6.16 and 6.13 seconds in two heats.
A cheetah employed as an NFL corner back not only will stop a WR from catching a football, but stop the receiver. You know, stop. Tests using a meat-rubbed football show that the cheetah possesses high takeaway/interception skills.
Cheetahs used on offense usually excel as Guards, not scoring threats, since no one will chase the cheetah with a ball. Lining up as Guard, the cheetah will usually protect the Quarterback, especially if they develop a bond. Also, a cheetah being rushed by a 300 pound lineman cannot simply be tossed on a tackle.
Requires 46 pounds of flesh a day for optimal performance, just like a real football player.
Sight of Charger blue makes cat irrational.
Does not understand playbook or snap counts.
Frequent stalking, biting, and on-field mauling make it prone to exorbitant NFL fines.
This is the world's fastest fish, with a normal weight of 750 pounds.
Makos clock in with a bottom pursuit speed of 23 MPH. Their top pursuit speed is 60 MPH, clocked in Queensland.
Raiders believe they can free up all three RB positions with one Mako shark.
Mouth designed for gripping football.
On defense, excels at Nose Tackle in 3-technique.
Tested positive for mushrooms and license plates in college. Numerous run-ins with the law at Queensland State, Australia.
Will not play fullback.
Species can not yet live out of water.
Typically built at 78,000 pounds and 59 feet, the Raiders are interested in developing missiles as an alternate to the QB and wide receiver position. "The innovation of having both positions simultaneous is enticing to Al" according to Herrera.
If launched laterally from scrimmage, the missile can imitate James Jett.
The speed of ICBM typically tops out at 15,000 mph, making it attractive as a MLB or a WR.
Perfect for vertical passing game.
Can't adjust routes.
Can't anticipate the fade pass.
Inefficient: Rocket fuel per play equals 1.5 arena teams or entire CFL.
Noise upsets cheetah.
Tremendously resourceful player, can adapt on a dime.
Makes two-sport players like Bo Jackson and Deion Sanders look obsolete.
Cool mullet is attractive to Al Davis, according to Hanson.
Can come as package deal with son MacGruber.
Played professional hockey, so naturally hostile.
In scrimmages, blew up opponent's red zone before run back, nullifying touchdown, and running back.
On defense: MacGyver shown to bat down passes with razor wire, Al's walker, and two ripe avocados.
He's old now.
NFL Player's Union will nullify MacGyver's AARP benefits upon signing a contract.
May lose motivation as a Raider with Stargate residual checks.
Warren Sapp calls McGyver the next John Lynch.
That's both the coolest guy in the world and the No. 1 Raider fan in the world, James Garner.
Hey, I love and defend Al Davis all the time, so here's my sick tribute to the draft.