Attention: Detroit Lions Front Office

After years of suffering through all the losing football teams that have graced/disgraced the city of Detroit, I have decided on taking a new approach to being a fan of the Lions.

Do you remember when Red Sox Nation was a sympathetic fan archetype—the lovable loser, victim of a century-long curse, the blue-collar hard luck Joe Six-Pack who can't catch a break? Well, now that they're winning, they are nothing but annoying braggarts with Bostonian accents that rake the chalkboards of our minds.

So I'm thinking, why don't us Lions fans fill that old spot and let the rest of the sports fan nation watch as we sob in our faded blue and silver jerseys?

I've taken the time to come up with some new advertising slogans...just some ideas to get the Lions front office thinking outside of the box.

This first one says it all. Sort of a Hooters restaurant approach, something that says yes, we suck, but it's fun in an indulgent sort of way.

The Devil's Adversary Approach

Here, we are just content to give up on reeling in new fans and instead, let's emphasize the fact that many great NFL teams have played at Ford Field. Just not the home team.

The Fiscally Efficient Approach

Billy Ford Jr. may be the poster child for Trust Fund Babies Gone Wild, but the man knows how to lower his AGI with the best of 'em.

The Dreamer Approach

If Mark Wahlberg can do it, why can't you? Open tryouts are like wormholes in space for fat beer-guzzling former third-team all-regional high school athletes. Go for it, dude.

The Waxing Nostalgia Approach

The glory days of the Detroit Lions are long over, but that doesn't mean we can't relive them again and again. Every Lions fan should be issued a highlight reel of Barry Sanders' best runs in some form or another. It reminds us of a time when our high draft picks played to their potential.

The Office Integrity Approach

This is for the Human Resources department to consider. I have to assume that at some point, the staffing philosophy will undergo a dramatic shift, one where applicants are hired based on their qualifications alone. Don't get me wrong..."my cousin just got out of prison and needs a fresh start" is normally a sparkling reference, but we should really step up our game.

The Humble Pie Approach

Sometimes you have to generate income in as many ways as possible. Not being in the playoffs for more than ten years straight can be hard on the old wallet, so maybe just put your name out there. Pound the pavement as they say.