WWE 2009 - The Worst Ten
2009 was, like all things in life really, a mixed bag for the WWE.
Unfortunately though, as the last quarter of the year was the worst, looking back at the year it seems like there was more to pick on than to compliment.
This is my first contribution on B/R, but I will try to make it worthwhile :)
Please though, be nice. If you think my blatant attempts to be funny arent, just say so without trying to mock me off this site.
10. Chavo-Hornswoggle Feud
Salvador Guerrero IV, Chavo Guerrero, Jr, Chavito, Lieutenant Loco.....the last 'Guerrero' in the WWE I suppose.
Without a doubt one of the most talented cruiserweights in the WWE, jobbing (kind of I guess) to a dwarf.
I don't know where to start as far as venting my fury at the sheer disrespect shown to this future HOF, so I will try to keep this short. Chavo should be an upper-mid card player.
He should be putting on fantastic matches with his equals week in week out, but instead he is doing a Santino.
His weekly humiliation ranged from having his hands tied behind his back to being shoved into a chicken suit. This rubbish should never been on any kind of TV, let alone the 'flagship' show.
9. Abraham Washington
I've put up this picture because this is what The Abraham Washington Show was a failed attempt at doing, creating a new charisma powerhouse.
But sadly, like all comedic segments in the WWE Universe era, it flopped.
From the very first show when he was sat there asking the Bellas about their sex life, it was clear this was going nowhere.
Sorry Abe, but you need to go back to your role as GM of FCW.
On the bright side though, Tony Atlas always makes me happy. I even stood up in a class once and just started using his now trademark laugh.
8. The Great Khali vs Kane
This should really be just 'The Great Khali' but in truth Kane was also misused here too.
The second WWE violated Paul Heyman's golden rule, by having Kane beat the holy hell out of Khali with a steel chair during Ziggler's match, it was all too clear we were going to have a revival of 'that' feud from a couple years back.
Yes, 'that' which caused us to froth many a time, and at times drove fine men to the edge of 17, wherever the hell that is.
The worst part was when Kane kidnapped Ranjin Singh, who it turned out was Khali's brother....wtf!??! First of all, I dont know how they plan to explain the height difference.
More importantly however, hasn't the FBI raided that weird red boiler room that he resides in and cordoned it off? How is he still dragging people off there?
Was raping Kell Kelly, Rey Rey, and Lita Lita not enough for him? Or has Kane become accustomed to the taste of the orient?
Where was Teddy Long in all of this? Gogoplatas are not allowed but kidnapping people is?
7. Undertaker as Champ
Okay I am going to get quite a lot of stick for this, but you know what, I DON'T CARE! Smackdown was a brilliant show between the MSG show and the week Jeff Hardy got retired.
Then the grim reaper returned, so he could you know, reap things, and reap things he did.
At first I was really excited about Punk vs Taker, but then it became obvious that Taker had bones made out of sawdust.....I guess that's what being a deadman involves.
Then great World Title matches turned into 10 minute screwjobs and undercard Hell in a Cell matches. Come on people, be honest. Ignoring the Shawn Michaels match, Taker has had one of his worst years yet.
His promos are the same old childish crap, 'Yea, your souls are mine, your heart is big, but I like big hearts because my unholy powers think they taste better that way'
You see I was under the impression that once Hardy left we would have the mother of all feuds in the form of JoMo and Punk. Instead the amazing Morrison is stuck in the mid-card, and Punk was made to sing along to R-Truth's theme song and watch Matt Hardy make a fool of himself.
Sorry Taker, they should have given you more time to heal your wounds.
6. Raw Guest Hosts
No surprise its on the list, might surpise you that its not higher up though. Truth be told while the execution has been rotten, I luuuurved Shaq, Dr Ken, Piper and The Governor.
However, the Slammy show, presented by that conservative plonker Dennis Miller, was the only show you needed to watch to understand that the concept was hopeless.
Half the time Vince brings guys who know nothing about the business and look like fools, like those NAZKAAR guys or whatever you call that lame sport where you drive round in circles, the rest of the time he brings on his republican bum chums, who simply by occupying the space on my TV screen make me nauseous.
Simply put, Guest Hosts must die!
5. Hell in a Cell - Out, damned spot! out, I say! One; two: why, then, ’tis time to do ’t
Yes, I reference Macbeth there, in the wrong context anyway, due to the way the WWE has crapped bricks every time a hint of blood appears.
At Hell In A Cell, thanks to TV- PG, we saw no bloody. Now im not a bloody whore or anything but my god, the hell in a cell match needs bloody.
Don't sit there telling me about how 'Its the most brutal satanic structure on the planet' when it can even bust someones head open.
Though its not even that. Edge and Taker had a classic at summerslam 2008 without blood, because they used the environment well.
All three matches at this dreadful PPV were normal matches with some weird mesh ruining our ability to watch the match properly
The blood issue really sucked in the last two PPV's this year. At Bragging Rights we saw Cena don an awesome crimson mask, only to have the paramedics clear it up.....okay fair enough, it was a 60-minute match, it didn't interfere with the story too much.
But when Christian had his head glued for two minutes while Shelton watched him instead of climbing the ladder to get the belt, I could only cry, thinking of days gone by.
4. DX - Hornswoggle
I would have made this my No. 1, but some things hurt even more than this in life.
Again, where to start. Put it this way, I am a really devout boy. I might as well be straight edge.
I never like DX, not even when they were supposed to be great. Shawn Michaels was always a great showman, but the crotch chops, the suck it crap, the mooning, it doesn't work for me.
So a bunch of guys in their 40's pretending to be 4-year-olds makes me really sad. It also reminds me of the fact that I should not be watching pro wrestling.
Now that filthy little troll that I mentioned at the start just makes things worse. I have actually not watched a single live episode of Raw since Little People's Court.
I swore that until that troll is fired, I am going to download Raw illegally and share it with as many people as possible in protest.
I'm sorry, I am not going to have Sky Sports think that I want to watch that garbage by contributing to Raw's ratings. Sorry, its just not going to happen.
Two exceptions however:
1. The Shockmaster was frigging hilarious
2. Triple H: I'm doing what anyone else would do when they get a pet midget, taping them to a skateboard and rolling them down corridors. Unlike you Shawn, you just take him to Church! LOLZ!
3. Wrong Pushes/Wrong Burials
Okay, of all the problems with Raw this year, the way they have screwed over some of the most talented guys and pushed some wastes of space angered me beyond belief.
To summarize what happened this year:
1. Sheamus is the champ, McIntyre is the IC champ
2. Swagger, Evan Bourne, John Morrison and Punk have been relegated to smaller roles
Okay wtf? Why did Jack Swagger pledge to go undefeated till the years end only to lose two weeks later? Why has Evan Bourne been made a jobber again for likes of Sheamus?
Wait a minute, Sheamus! Why on earth is he the champ? He beat Jamie Noble a couple of times, and he then sits on the turnbuckle while watchin Cena slip onto a table that happens to break.
Don't you have to put your opponent through table to win a tables match....that oaf Cena fell through one, how does that constitute a victory???? Oh dear....
2. Drew McIntyre
Ah, Drew McIntyre, the bane of my existence.
Lets play a game. I'm going to describe a wrestler to you, and you have to guess who they are. Here are your clues. They have really generic rock entrance music.
The guy is over 6 foot and wears underwear that is too small for him. Oh yes, his moveset, the most unique thing about this talent.
Punch, Big Boot, Clothesline, Armbar, DDT, Big Boot, Clothesline....damn I already said that.
Well, any ideas?
Seriously, and I'm not just saying this because im english, but this guy needs to be deported. I'm sure there are loads of other guys waiting on the green card lottery that deserve to be in the US more than him.
Drum roll....what could it possibly be? Its not DX, its not Raw guest hosts, its not Drew McIntyre. Who could it possibly be, Ibrahim? Please tell us!!!!
1. Michael Cole
Well who else was it going to be. All year we have been listening to that vintage fake laugh of his, watching that vintage dry show he pollutes with his foul breath. Did I mention he has been vintage?
'OMG King, DX may be the greatest tag team of all time!'
'Do you think he will do it King, do you think Ted DiBiase will actually fight Randy Orton?'
'(30 seconds into the match) Im going to have to interrupt you there Matt Striker, COVER COVER!!!!!!!!!'
'OMG, TONIGHT, TRIPLE H VS RANDY ORTON VS JOHN CENA, DID I MENTION IT WAS TONIGHT, THIS IS THE POSSIBLY THE GREATEST MAIN EVENT IN RAW HISTORY'
'Cole: KOFI KINGSTON's CONTROLLED FRENZY Striker: Controlled Frenzy? What does that even mean? How can you have a controlled frenzy? Cole: Well its a frenzy and its controlled'
In the words of my Hero, IGN Editor Matt Fowler: GDYC!!!!!!