The Perfect Candidate for Minnesota Gopher Football Offensive Coordinator

Following Wednesday's announcement that Jedd Fisch is leaving his position as University of Minnesota Gophers' offensive coordinator, Coach Tim Brewster is once again starting his search for a new offensive coordinator.

This song and dance occurs every year under Brewster. Whether it's Mike Dunbar being fired or Ted Roof bolting the Gophers for a better job at Auburn, it's not good for the program to have a revolving door on the coordinator's offices.

Several intriguing names have surfaced already. Personally, I'd like to see Josh Heupel, the QB coach at Oklahoma or Gunter Brewer, Oklahoma State's current offensive coordinator get the job.

Before a decision is made, I'd like to add one name to the list:  Mine.

Before you go thinking, "Oh great, another crackpot using the Internet to spout his nonsensical gibberish," hear me out.

Like Fisch, I have no experience as an offensive coordinator. 

Unlike Fisch, I have head coaching experience. For two seasons, I ran the fourth and fifth grade community education boys basketball team. We finished with an impressive 3-9 record.

The Gophers last offensive coordinator didn't even play high school football.

To be honest, I didn't really "play" either, but I was at least on the team. For four seasons, I was the scout team defensive tackle, getting blown over by some of the best offensive lines in nine-man football. It's not ideal, but it beats the experiences that a visor-wearing tennis player brought to the table.

With the high turnover amongst Gopher coordinators during Brewster's tenure as head coach, I'm sure Gopher fans are concerned that whoever takes the vacant offensive coordinator job will bolt for a new locale as soon as the opportunity has presented itself.  Not to worry with me.  I was born here and I'll die here.  Nothing can lure me away.

Sure, I'll leave Minnesota for Seattle like Fisch did, but I won't be going there for a job.  I'd like to take a trip out there once or twice a year to pummel a hippie or two and spit in a beatnik's coffee, but we can just write those off as "recruiting trips."

I sincerely hope Coach Brewster takes my candidacy seriously.

I vow not to leave if things go well. I'll stick around as long as the University of Minnesota will have me.  I've been running various forms of the collegiate offense since the days of Bill Walsh's College Football on the Sega Genesis.

Through three different versions of the Playstation platform, I've evolved and adapted, winning dozens of National Championships.

The best part, I'll work dirt cheap.  Just give me half of what you paid good old Jedd and upgrade my season ticket group to that one of the fancy suites upstairs in The Bank. It's a great deal and I'll keep it on the table.  Coach Brewster, I'll be waiting for your call.