I Can't Stand Chris Berman

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I Can't Stand Chris Berman

 

I don’t believe that I have the time or space allotted

here to adequately express how much I dislike

ESPN’s Chris Berman.

Let me hit just a few key reasons though why the follicle-challenged Fred Flintstone stunt double makes me curse my television.

The inflections in his voice alone would be enough to make the Pope swear and kick a defenseless animal. Berman usually starts a sentence with a high to medium pitch and then always finishes with a weird kind of guttural growl. I’m guessing this self-conscious roller coaster delivery is done to emphasize some point Berman is trying to make.

Strike one.

I hate the endless John Facenda impersonations. It seems like Berman can’t give five minutes of commentary without trotting out his well-worn “the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field.”

To borrow a rift from the late Senator Lloyd Bentsen: Berman, we knew John Facenda. We listened to John Facenda every week as we watched highlights from that week’s NFL action. Berman, you are no John Facenda.

Strike two.

Has Berman ever said anything that actually made you laugh out loud? I mean from the pop culture-based nicknames given to every sports figure who ever drew a breath to the “Swami” routine…Have you ever laughed?

Let’s face it. If Berman were your uncle and his shtick went with him everywhere he went you would avoid him at all costs. It’s your sister’s wedding and you’re supposed to be seated next to Uncle Chris at the reception.

Admit it. You’re either going to bail on your sister’s nuptials or eat your little reception plate in the nearest broom closet.

Strike three.

And now back, back, back, back to your other Bleacher Report writers.

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