When I saw that the Bleacher Report Open Mic subject was “If you were the general manager of a sports team,” my heart skipped a beat. I was so excited, because it is my dream to be an NHL GM.
But I thought about it, and realized that no one wants to read an article about me being the general manager of the Philadelphia Flyers. That’s just boring.
I am a jokester. I can indeed be serious when I need to be and I am a great worker, but I love joking around.
Which is why I decided to make the subject of this article, “Dealing with the media.” I would have such a good time dealing with the media of any major sports city because my sense of humor greatly outweighs my sense of decency. They would ask questions, and I would give them answers that would make them think, “Why on Earth was this guy picked?”
So let’s say that I was signed by the Toronto Maple Leafs as their new general manager to follow Cliff Fletcher. I believe my first interview with the press would go something like this:
Fletcher: “I would like to present to you the new general manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs, Alan Bass.”
(Applause)
Me: “Hello to everyone. I’d first like to say that I am extremely grateful to be working as the highest paid person in the highest organization in the National Hockey League. (Long pause). I will be taking questions from the media now.”
Reporter: “Monty Cristo, Toronto Sun. How did you feel when you signed this contract with the Leafs?”
M: “Well, Monty, I was so happy that I immediately ran home and streaked around my neighborhood.”
R: "Georgia Robbins, Toronto Starr. What are your short and long term goals for this franchise?”
M: “I think my short term goal would be to win some games, obviously. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to do that. My long term goal would be just as obvious; to make more money than you could ever dream of. Oh, and you know, winning the Stanley Cup and all that jazz.”
R: “Are these answers serious?”
M: “I’m not answering that, because you didn’t preface your question with a name and newspaper.”
(Longer pause)
R: “Joe Corn, Philadelphia Inquirer. Is it true that you were a Flyers’ fan?”
M: “Yes.”
R: “Follow-up. How is it going to feel when you play against them?”
M: “I have thought about that, and I think I’m going to tell my boys to let the Flyers win. That way my team wins.”
R: “What about the Leafs? Aren’t they your team, too?”
M: “No, they’re just the only team that offered me a huge-ass contract.”
R: “Melanie Warn, New York Times. What was the last job that you had before this?”
M: “I worked as an office worker for a multi-million dollar corporation.”
R: “I have a follow-up. Why did you leave?”
M: “Well, I actually got fired for stealing money from their finances.”
(Even longer pause)
R: “Don Stimmel, NHL.com. Are you on drugs?”
M: “Not anymore.”
R: “Boris Baryshnikov, Moscow Times. There is rumor that you try to sign star player in motherland. This true?”
M: “Is it even legal to have a newspaper in your country?”
R: “Please answer question.”
M: “I’m not only trying to sign the player, but I’m also trying to sign Vladimir Putin as my assistant GM.”
R: “Steven Chipotle, Montreal Times. What is going to be your first action as GM of the Leafs?”
M: “Well, I think that I am going to trade Bryan McCabe for a bag of pucks, because we’re running out.”
R: “Why wouldn’t you just buy some?”
M: “Hello, we’re trying to make money here.”
R: “How are you going to get him to waive his no-trade clause?”
M: “What’s a no-trade clause?”
(Even longer pause)
R: “Joshua Crandall, Boston Globe. Do you think you’ll be able to make the playoffs this year?”
M: “I really don’t know. It doesn’t quite matter, though, because no matter what position we finish in, we’re going to have rings made up for each member of the organization. For instance, if we finish in 11th place, we will have red and white rings made that have the number ‘eleven’ inscribed on the sides of them.”
R: “Are you aware that the Leafs’ colors are blue and white?”
M: “Crap, this is the Maple Leafs? I thought this was the Red Wings!”
(Alan runs out of room)
(Ten second pause)
Fletcher: “Um…Alan Bass, ladies and gentlemen.”
(Smattering of applause)
Heh heh, being a general manager is gonna be really fun.
comments (23) write a comment »
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3 months ago
LOL Great stuff!!!!
My favorite line was this
"R: “Don Stimmel, NHL.com. Are you on drugs?”
M: “Not anymore.”"
You know, it's hard for me too writing something SERIOUS lol Funny and sarcasm is the way to go
from 3 months ago
Agreed! Best line in the article! Great piece and my VOTD!
3 months ago
haha thanks Adam
3 months ago
R: “Boris Baryshnikov, Moscow Times. There is rumor that you try to sign star player in motherland. This true?”
M: “Is it even legal to have a newspaper in your country?”
You crack me up man haha
from 3 months ago
i wrote the whole thing off the cuff, except that one joke...i needed to have that russian joke in there ahaha
from 3 months ago
hahha, i think that was the highlight for me! great article and awesome dialog, which is always a challenge.
3 months ago
ahaha love the "what's a no-trade clause" line!! great!!
3 months ago
hahah, sounds like an interview with JFJ
3 months ago
great article alan, i was laughing my butt off the entire time
3 months ago
Article of the year!
Great job again man!
3 months ago
hahaha awesome article!
way to go!
3 months ago
hahah easily gets my pick of the day vote. nice job man.
3 months ago
thanks everyone for your POD votes
3 months ago
Steve Chipotle is an ass. I don't know how he keeps his job.
3 months ago
Alan, solid!
"We're gonna trade McCabe for a bag of pucks...we're running out"!
Priceless!
from 3 months ago
thats something JFJ would do, not cliff fletcher. and definitely not alan bass. i'd get at least two bags of pucks
3 months ago
Absolutely hilarious! My Article of the Day! How did you come up with all thos reporters' names?
from 3 months ago
i made them up on the spot. the russian name is my stereotypical russian name lol...boris baryshnikov lol
3 months ago
No BT comments to this? Someone see if the NHL CL has a pulse since this thing involves his beloved Leafs....LOL Nice article Alan, the Russian thing is gold!
from 3 months ago
thanks ken lol
3 months ago
I'm not impressed....at all.....
I mean if we're trading McCabe I want Canadian Tire money...
BT
from 3 months ago
ahahaha thanks bryan
3 months ago
Alan, I'm a total idiot when it comes to hockey, but this article was absolutely hilarious.
Really, really funny. Five stars! :)
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