Tiger Woods' 12 Steps To Becoming Even Bigger

It's ironic isn't it? Andre Agassi was known for the longest time as a man whose "Image is Everything", yet he turned out to be quite the man of substance. Tiger Woods? With every new and sordid revelation, we find out how important image really was. If Tiger 1.0 was a myth, then why should anything change for Tiger 2.0?

Step 1: Take A Lesson From 8 Mile

In the climactic battle in the cinematic rap genre masterpiece 8 Mile, Eminem knows he's in for it. His final opponent goes last, and is sure to poke fun at all his misfortune, in verse no less.

His strategy?

Beat him to the punch. Modern pop culture is a race to the bottom, and if the subject happens to be yourself, no one can get there faster than you. It worked for Em, after exposing himself in the most naked way possible, his opponent is left with nothing else to say.

Step 2: The Bachelor

With the wife gone and about to file for divorce, it's time to look for love. And what better way than by offering himself up on TV's The Bachelor? In fact, if what's in the news is true, the entire cast could be comprised of former mistresses.

Think of the drama when these other women fight for ALL of Tiger. And of course, think of the ratings.

Step 3: Tiger Woods Bachelor Season 2

Imagine the surprise as the winner of Tiger Woods Bachelor Season 1 finds out there's going to be a season 2. In a bid towards cross marketing, the news can be delivered by Ashton Kutcher in a special return episode of Punk'd.

Step 4: Write A Book

Anyone with serious political aspirations has done it. And what could be more political than building Tiger 2.0?

This should be no ordinary tale, regaling the reader with the relief of finally breaking 70 at 4 years old.

Remember Step 1, Tiger should go for broke, this should make the likes of Ron Jeremy blush, in fact the word golf should appear only if it is the site of one of his conquests, extracurricular that is. It would serve the higher intellectual curiosities of men in revealing exaclty how many notches he has in his golf bag.

It would also turn the tables on all those so eager to turn on him. And lastly, don't you think it would sell?

Step 5: Make a Movie

But not just any movie. Instead of making a home movie that finds its way onto the internet, why not just put it on there yourself; indeed why not produce and sell it?

We've just found out Tiger has the appetite, and we know he can perform under the bright lights in front of the cameras. It seems adult actresses may be the only ones who can keep up with his libido. And 18 mistresses would no longer be considered 'transgressions', merely 'professional development.'

It made Paris Hilton famous for being famous. Tiger, can you say Notorious T.I.G.?

Step 6: The Biggest Fight of All Time

Two big fish can only swim so far before meeting in a small pond. Such will be the case with Tiger and Jenna Jameson, and given their histories, we all know what will happen.

Complicating matters will be a very angry Tito Ortiz, and there's only one way to settle things...in the octagon! Forget boxing, forget MMA, this would simply be the biggest fight in history. Best of all, Tito is advanced enough in age to deliver the beatdown Tiger will need at that point.

A thorough ground and pound, without any of the life-altering heavy handedness that would come from a Fedor Emelianenko.

Step 7: Find A Faith

There's only so much hard living one can do before it's time to straigthen up and fly right. And why fly solo? If Chuck Yeager can have a copilot, Tiger can find a caddy for life.

Step 8: Hire a Swing Coach

Having won majors with three separate swings, it doesn't even matter which one. In fact, he doesn't even have to golf. All it has to be is something new, a placebo effect that will let the best golfer ever be the first to win a calendar grand slam.

Step 9: Give It Away

Nothing says reform like a big act of philanthropy, and redistributing his wealth would go beyond the usual suspects. Not only would his foundation be getting money, but another chunk could go to Elin, some to John Daly, and some to his former sponsors circa 2009 for "letting them down." Of course, this will be when the endorsement dollars will really start flowing in.

Become A Preacher

At some point it'll be time to call it a career.

For his second coming? Woods could follow in the trail blazed by Big George Foreman and become a preacher.m Tiger's approach to counselling sin?

"Been there, done that, and it just ain't worth it."

If your parents tell you to not take drugs, it's one thing, but if it's Motley Crue? And by that time, the Lean Mean Fat Grilling Machine may need a new spokesman...

Go Back To TV

With Oprah gone, who to replace her? How about a Stanford graduate with loads of life experience? Tiger 2.0 could even host a Bachelor Season 3: This Time It's For Real

Enjoy Life As An Icon

It's all about the character arc, about being hated and then loved again. While there's only one Ali, that's OK, Tiger 2.0 will have been a one-man, 24-hour news cycle for years on end, which in today's day and age spells icon.