Top 11 Go-To Moves for White Athletes

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Top 11 Go-To Moves for White Athletes
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White people. Gotta love them for trying. They may not be the most athletic race, but they find ways to make it work.

And usually in making it work, they employ an exclusive set of moves that have the rest of us scratching our heads, trying better to understand what the hell is going on.

No, these moves might not be graceful, or even practical. But they work, and that’s what really counts.

Today, we bring you 11 of the greatest go-to moves ever employed by the white athlete. Because this much effort shouldn’t go unrecognized.

 

11. The Submarine Delivery

Sport designed for: Baseball

Patented by: Dan Quisenberry, Chad Bradford, Kent Tekulve, etc.

An exotic motion performed by the least exotic of ethnic beings, The Submarine Delivery is akin to the Technicolor transformation of hue undertaken by the chameleon. You don’t expect to see it, and when you do see it, it’s freaky.

Masters of The Submarine Delivery tend to possess less-than-adequate fastballs, less-than-adequate endurance, and less-than-adequate cool genes.

They appear in short, underwhelming stints, rarely displaying their craft for more than a few minutes, and often entering and exiting with little to no fanfare.

They intimidate no one.

They induce ground balls.

They are effective, if not overpowering.

They are not concerned with fornication or the act of fornicating.

They are simply out to do a job to the best of their abilities, cash a paycheck, and go home.

God bless ‘em.

 

10. The Obligatory Fist Pump

Sport designed for: Any

Patented by: Every PGA golfer ever, former presidential candidate Howard Dean

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.

When sports hand you a positive outcome and you happen to be white, pump your fist.

For lack of a better form of outward celebration, white athletes often rejoice with an Obligatory Fist Pump. Not because they want to. But because everyone else is doing it.

Sink a birdie putt on the 18th green? Fist pump.

Hit a game-winning, RBI double? Fist pump.

Throw a touchdown pass? Fist pump.

File your taxes correctly and on time? Fist pump.

Sure, minorities like to get down with a fist pump or two. On occasion, that is.

But no one fist pumps with the frequency or conviction quite like the white athlete. It’s as sure a thing as an old lady in white pants on a warm summer’s day.

 

9. The Bounce Pass

Sport designed for: Basketball

Patented by: Steve Nash, John Stockton, etc.

At some point or another, everyone uses the bounce pass. And yet no one wants to talk about the bounce pass near as much as the white man.

If it was up to the white athlete, every pass would hit the ground roughly 65 percent of the way to its intended target, then ricochet upwards at a respectable velocity.

A testament to the laws of physics, the bounce pass combines science and sport, making it all the more appealing to the white folk who pay homage to this wonderful game.

These days, the bounce pass is so seldom used and so flawed in its delivery that a good bounce pass will warrant the same accolades from a white observer as an actual basket.

Don’t be confused, however. Executing a good bounce pass will not get you points on the scoreboard. Just the love and admiration of an outside observer who has a fondness for the fundamentals.

 

8. The Slant Route

Sport designed for: Football

Patented by: Wes Welker, Welkertypes

“I cannot run past you, so I will run diagonally away from you.”

I imagine Wes Welker says this to himself right before Tom Brady yells, “Hike!”

If ever there were a football play designed with the white wide receiver in mind, it would have to be The Slant Route.

Knowing what they know about the differences between the black athlete and the white athlete, offensive coordinators send their black wideouts all over the field. On go routes, hitches, corners, posts, end arounds. You name it, the black wideout does it.

But when it comes to the white wideout, OCs need but one play: The Slant Route.

“Son, what you’re gonna wanna do here is take one step forward, okay, you follow me? Okay. Then you’re gonna wanna turn right and just keep going. Don’t stop. Just keep going. The ball will be there. You just catch it. Don’t try to do too much with it.”

The Slant Route might only be good for gains of five or 10 yards, but just ask Wes Welker and his bank account how quickly those yards can add up. It pays to run the slant.

 

7. The Underhanded Free Throw

Sport designed for: Basketball

Patented by: Rick Barry

Every time a black guy misses a free throw, you’re bound to hear the same thing from the same group of people.

“He wouldn’t have missed that free throw if he shot it underhanded,” says the old white man who last played basketball in 1930.

Yes, the underhanded free throw. A source of great friction between old-timers and minorities.

The fact is, no one younger than 70, regardless of race, wants to shoot their free throws granny-style. And no one old enough to qualify for the weekly discount at Marshall’s understands that.

Rick Barry shot underhanded free throws.

Rick Barry had a good career free-throw shooting percentage (.8931).

Therefore, using one of those mathematical properties we learned about in middle school, shooting your free throws underhanded equals a good shooting percentage.

Right.

Never mind the fact that the NBA’s career leader in free throw shooting percentage (Mark Price) shot the ball like a normal person, nor that seemingly everyone else on that list did, either. If Rick Barry did it with positive results, then everyone can do it with positive results!

For the record, Rick Barry had three sons who all played in the NBA: Brent, Jon, and Drew. None of them shot their free throws underhanded. If Rick couldn’t get his own kids to do it, do you really think it matters that much?

 

6. The Flying V

Sport designed for: Hockey

Patented by: Gordon Bombay

It may be a product of the Disney Corporation, but as every white kid who grew up in the ’90s can tell you, The Flying V is the best thing that has ever happened to hockey.

Cursed with a ragtag group of misfits who could barely walk straight, let alone skate, Gordon Bombay had to explore other options when it came to his PeeWee hockey team. Using the team’s mascot—the duck—as inspiration, Bombay drew up a play that will forever live in the annals of fake hockey.

Strategically positioned in the same manner as their ornithological counterparts, five of Bombay’s Ducks would skate down the ice in the shape of a "V," passing the puck between them with remarkable deft for kids who couldn’t even play mere minutes ago.

Mesmerized by their grace and form, defenders would stand by helplessly and pay witness to The Flying V, never thinking to body check Charlie Conway or, perhaps, that one girl who played on the team.

Instead, the Ducks and their V would score, and score, and score again. Not unlike how Madonna and her V have scored, scored, and scored again.

It may not be a real-life play, but there’s no denying that The Flying V has its rightful place in the history of white athletes and their go-to moves.

 

5. The Sacrifice Bunt

Sport designed for: Baseball

Patented by: Pitchers, career .200 hitters

In baseball, the objective is to score more runs than the other team. In doing so, you win the game.

In order to score more runs than your opponent, you must first get on base. Simultaneously, you must avoid making outs, which prevent you from reaching base.

Hence, under the most basic interpretation of the rules, it makes no sense to purposely commit an out, fail to reach base, and hurt one’s chances at achieving the objective all in one fell swoop. And that’s where The Sacrifice Bunt comes in.

A go-to move that was undoubtedly crafted by the white man (that’s what happens when you forbid persons of color from playing with you), The Sacrifice Bunt has only recently come under fire for being more or less senseless. It only took a hundred or so years to figure out.

Nevertheless, that still hasn’t stopped many a baseball player from executing The Sacrifice Bunt to near-perfection.

Man on first base. Less than two outs. Close game. You know what time it is: Sacrifice Bunt time.

Like an honorable soldier falling on a live grenade, the batter lays down and dies by laying down The Sacrifice Bunt.

The runner on first advances to second.

The batter is thrown out at first.

Upon witnessing one of their own perform such an act of courage, the white folks in the crowd applaud vigorously, hailing The Sacrifice Bunter as if he were Donny Osmond, or even Wayne Brady.

The action itself may be fleeting, but the honor…well. The honor lasts a lifetime.

 

4. The Layup

Sport designed for: Basketball

Patented by: John Stockton, Bob Cousy, etc.

Two points is two points. You’ll take it however you can get it, and frankly, you don’t get bonus points for style.

Which is why the layup is so pivotal to the white athlete.

Sure, there are some white guys out there that can dunk a basketball, but they are few and far between.

For most Caucasians, The Layup is as close to point-blank range as one can get when putting the ball through the hoop. Hence, it is the highest percentage shot a white basketball player can take, while still obeying the laws of gravity.

Take a look at a guy like John Stockton, for example.

Without the layup, his career would have been nothing. He wasn’t known as a sharpshooter, per se, and he flat-out did not dunk, either by choice or by nature. The Layup was his trusty steed, and Stockton rode it all the way to the Hall of Fame.

For aspiring white ballers, The Layup is an all-access pass to college scholarships, girls, sex, and maybe even a professional career. Treat The Layup with respect, and it might just cup your balls and pay your tuition.

 

3. The Punt

Sport designed for: Football

Patented by: Ray Guy, Shane Lechler, Jeff Feagles, etc.

Much like The Sacrifice Bunt, The Punt is a sign of surrender in its respective arena.

A veritable white flag when it comes to a team’s offensive possession, The Punt involves a token white guy essentially presenting his opponent with a gift by dropkicking the football as far as he can.

To be clear, the punter does not necessarily have to be of Caucasian descent. But it certainly doesn’t hurt. And roughly 99 percent of all punters are white, as well.

The connection between white guys and punting is no more baffling than the link between Asian girls and Hello Kitty. Nature brings them together, and only nature can tear them apart.

It is in the white man’s blood to punt, just as it is in the Asian girl’s blood to spend her allowance at the Sanrio store. These are truths that we cannot deny. Like a political bumper sticker on the back of a bad driver’s car.

A strategic maneuver to some, there are those who see the punt for what it really is: Weakness, and an admission of failure. Because let’s face it, we can’t all be perfect.

 

2. The Pump Fake

Sport designed for: Football, Basketball, Baseball

Patented by: Most white quarterbacks, white ballers, and white infielders

The Benedict Arnold of go-to moves, The Pump Fake is an act of pure deception that is as reliable to the white man as a pair of pleated Dockers.

Utilized by whites across three major sports, The Pump Fake succeeds in baffling athletically-superior opponents, freezing them and forcing them to succumb to the deke. Much like how Jenna Jameson succumbed to the…okay, we won’t go there.

Quarterbacks use The Pump Fake to divert defensive backs.

Guards, forwards, and centers use it to engage defenders and create an opportunity on offense.

Infielders use it to immobilize baserunners.

Like a secret handshake, The Pump Fake is Exhibit 1A in the unwritten code of the white athlete.

 

1. The Three-Pointer

Sport designed for: Basketball

Patented by: Larry Bird, Steve Kerr, Mark Price, etc.

In no other sport do you get an extra point simply for being white. Except basketball.

Invented to counteract the dunking abilities of the minority people, the three-pointer is essentially the white man’s ticket into his own game. Without it, he would be utterly neutralized. With it, he has the ability to be unstoppable.

Three-pointers are not exclusive property of the white man, but no other race uses and abuses the three quite like Caucasians.

Blacks utilize an all-around attack, occasionally relying on the trey, but with no over dependence.

Asians are recognized for their uptempo game and willingness to attack the basket even in the most futile of situations. Because 80 percent of them see themselves as Kobe, regardless of the fact that they are not 6'7", black, or nearly as talented.

Mexicans are more apt to turn the basketball court into a makeshift soccer field. They view the three-point line as an extension of the goal box.

Euros love the three, but also display a bevy of post moves that are worthy of recognition in and of themselves. They will settle for the three, but they’d rather pivot, pump, up-and-under, hook-shot fake, fade-away 10-footer you to death.

From an early age, white kids are taught about the benefits of the three. They create algorithms and spreadsheets designed to help understand what a 50 percent increase in the value of a field goal really represents, and then they practice, practice, practice.

They view the area beyond the three-point arc as a Mecca, of sorts. A place where the percentages might be lower, but opportunity is so much greater.

In today’s game, rarely is a white individual assigned to a team without some hope or expectation that he will be shooting the three.

From the high school ranks, to college, to the NBA, white guys everywhere are tasked with executing the No. 1 go-to move for white athletes, the three-pointer.

*The full context of this article, with pictures, can be found at SeattleSportsnet.com .

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