I don’t know you, your age, or where you live, but I guarantee most of your days are spent dealing with douche bags. I am not going out on a limb here, we all know this world is full of pretentious assholes with undeserved and over-inflated senses of self worth. In the real world, douche bags are easy to spot. They give themselves away with symbols and commonalities—Michelob Ultra, sunglasses at night, Yankee fans not from New York, Yankee fans from New York, tanning club memberships, unnecessary rage during pick-up basketball games, and laser hair removal. If you think I am wrongs, it’s because you’re the douche.
The douche bags of the sports world are sometimes tougher to spot. Not because there aren’t any in sports, but because through fame, fortune, and a lifetime spent being the center of attention, most professional athletes either shed all reminisce of their douche bag ways, or we as fans give them the benefit of the doubt and look the other way. When I see an NBA star dressed like a circus conductor in a 7 button, purple suit in a post-game press conference I don’t think twice about it. If I saw that same suit in a Vegas nightclub, there is only one logical conclusion—douche.
In an effort to breakdown all things sports and give readers the perspective that the mainstream media prefers to pussyfoot around and avoid, I introduce the weekly “Shot of the Week”—the award for biggest sports douche of the week.
Without further ado, the winner of the inaugural award goes to . . . Gilbert Arenas.
There is nothing that David Stern fears more than the stigma that basketball players are thugs that were raised on the streets playing old school pickup games in some downtown ghetto. Unfortunately for the NBA, there are a select few players who further this stereotype and give the NBA a reputation that its players are thugs, assholes, or straight up criminals. One of these notorious NBA plagues is Ron Artest.
Ronnie boy gained worldwide asshole status the night he got punked by Ben Wallace and went berserk in the “Malice at the Palace.” After testing out the world of rap during his 86 game suspension, Artest started down a path of idiotic comments and buffoonish actions that have revealed his true nature as more of a cartoon character than a prison shower terrorist. His stories of stupidity never cease to amaze—drinking Hennessey at half time in the locker room, showing up on Jimmy Kimmel Live half naked, giving himself a concussion after tripping over boxes. You never know what to expect.
Although Artest is clearly a jackass, his shenanigans have not had the effect on his career than the actions of Gilbert Arenas. Arenas lacked the immense wisdom it takes to realize that bringing guns into an NBA locker room is a bad idea. To add to his amazing stupidity, Arenas pulled his guns out as a joke on another player to scare him. But wait, that’s not all, the guns weren’t licensed. Take notes Artest, this is how you let your antics end your career and lose you millions of dollars.
Wednesday morning Stern suspended Arenas indefinitely saying “Arenas’s actions will ultimately result in a substantial suspension and perhaps worse.” Gilbert could potentially lose out on his $111 million contract and be banished from the NBA, not to mention the pending legal implications of his actions still to come. Gilbert has reached legendary stupidity status, rivaling others such as Mêlée Ron Artest and Sweatpants Plaxico Burress.
In honor of this great feat of stupidity, it is with pride and disgrace that I award Gilbert Arenas the first inaugural “Shot of the Week.” Gilbert, you have been a bust for the Wizards over the past couple years and now you are handing them a way out of your ridiculous contract. Management in Washington undoubtedly sees this as a blessing in disguise and will certainly use this “Get Out of Gilbert Free Card” to get rid of his sorry ass.
Hopefully this “Shot of Week” makes up for some of those millions lost, Gilbert. You have certainly set the bar high for those that follow.
For more Mitch Mansfield articles go to www.shotsfromthewatercooler.com.
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