The Omar Minaya Chronicles: What's Faster?

Watching a Tortoise move barely missed the cut.

BY MICHAEL GANCI

EDITOR

So today, as the Jets try to win their way into the playoffs and as I continue to try to think of new ways to evaluate the Mets and the blog, I started to think about the off season in baseball, and the lack of action that has taken place previously, and of course, the first person I blame is Omar Minaya.

Call me spoiled. The Mets have already come to terms with Jason Bay, and they have even added superstars Mike Hessman, R.A. Dickey, and Henry Blanco, but the majority of us seem to think that there is more work that needs to be done. Watching Omar talk and listening to him speak is downright agitating, to say the least, so I decided to take the Omar Minaya chronicles one step further.

What would I rather do then hear Omar Minaya speak? Let’s look at the nominees.

1) Cover my whole body in paper cuts and dive into a big vat of Lemon Juice.

2) Let my little sister sing me a song by the Jonas Brothers.

3) Watch that video from Junior High of a gargantuan woman giving birth. (PS- That should be on Animal Planet.)

4) Be trapped in a small place with 1,000 ants.

5) Watch the Knicks. (P.S.- Is it me, or do they have a chance this year?)

6) Listen to Rush Limbaugh and/or Al Sharpton.

7) Sell Vitamins to senior citizens. (Wait a minute. I really do that.)

8) Randomly look up videos of Elisha Cuthbert on YouTube! (Check some out here).

9) Listen to Mike Francesa for two hours.

10) Listen to the glorious sounds of nails on the chalkboard. (Although one can make the argument that Omar’s voice could resemble the same sound).

My favorite thing above? It’s gotta be the selling vitamins to senior citizens.

Just a nice closing note? I am not Mike on the phone. I will leave you with the way I answer the phone at New Vitality.

“Thank you for calling New Vitality. This call may be recorded for quality assurance. My name is CHARLIE. What product may I help you order today?”