In a recent press release, Dallas Cowboys' media-mainstay Adam "Pacman" Jones announced that he would no longer like to be referred to as Pacman—a nickname given to him by his mother.
Instead, Pacman would like to be known only as Adam or Mr. Jones.
However, since Pacman seems unable to stay out of the public eye, it makes more sense that the viewing public should have a say in what he is referred to as.
To help the decision-making process, a new list has been released of possible classic-arcade-game-themed nicknames for Pacman:
Donkey Kong Jones: For not only his objectification of women, but also his rumored penchant for throwing barrels at Italian plumbers.
Galaga Jones: For his seeming inability to end a confrontation of any level without a certain level of gun play, coupled with his quest for interstellar domination.
Excite-Bike Jones: For his ability to escape the scene of any crime at an incredibly high rate of speed along a linear and predictable path.
Tecmo-Bowl Jones: Since the only time Jones will ever get to play in a Super Bowl will be vicariously through a poorly pixilated video simulation with a limited play-calling selection (not unlike the Minnesota Vikings).
Frogger Jones: For Jones' amazing ability to sidestep and avoid any semblance of personal responsibility and accountability.
Ms. Pacman Jones: For his girlish and childlike attempt to escape his past and self-created reputation by trying to get a publicist to get people to stop calling him Pacman.
The early frontrunner seems to be Ms. Pacman, for his lack of masculinity (and for how cute he would look with a pink bow on his head). However, it is anyone's guess as to how this will all play out.
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