Bill Belichick to Head Homeland Security? (Satire)
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The nation of New England Patriots could lose their legendary brain trust to the national interest. Bill Belichick's quick mind and instant recall of history and detail make him a man hard to fool. He would shape up Homeland Security in a week or two.
If the country wants a man who is tough and can keep a secret, then Bill Belichick is the best candidate for protecting America from terror teams around the world. He has already gone to England this season and shown them what he can do.
A defensive expert, Belichick is not afraid to make hard decisions and will take the heat, even if his call meets with derision on the fourth down. He will not tolerate agents of his plans to miss meetings, no matter what kind of natural disaster or traffic jam befalls them. He has built a new defensive alignment in one season without "shilly or shally."
Belichick’s dour demeanor won the praise of another tough guy, Bill Parcells, who came to call his left-hand man by the name of “Mr. Doom.” It is enough to rattle the cages of foreign operatives from Afghanistan to Yemen. He can spot a shoe bomber or a pantaloon bomber a yard away. He has taken the gray hoodie to new heights and replaced fashionplate with boilerplate.
No enemy will know what he is planning next. Bill Belichick may hold a news conference once or twice per week, but his cryptic messages will confound those unfamiliar with the English language and would make an al-Qaeda terrorist run in the wrong direction. He regularly mixes media into a frothy spillage of contradictory reports. Unlike other heroic patriots like James Bond, he is best if stirred, not shaken.
Already trained at the premiere military academy of the world, Annapolis, under his father’s tutelage, he has observed men who protect and serve the nation up close and on the line. He knows how a military man thinks and knows what buttons to push. Obama may speak at West Point, but Belichick has given marching orders at Annapolis.
Bill has the laconic style of Clint Eastwood, and the modest reticence of Gary Cooper, amounting to another Hollywood legend gone political: Ronald Reagan. In fact, forget nominating Bill Belichick to run Homeland Security.
Belichick for President!
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