I Have Decided To Step Down From Florida Gators Fandom (Satire Sunday)

Jay HendryCorrespondent IDecember 27, 2009

GAINESVILLE, FL - NOVEMBER 21: Coach Urban Meyer of the Florida Gators checks the scoreboard against the Florida International University Golden Panthers, November 21, 2009 at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium in Gainesville, Florida.  Florida won 62 - 3. (Photo by Al Messerschmidt/Getty Images)
Al Messerschmidt/Getty Images

Due to stress from flip–flopping head coaches I can no longer participate in Florida Gator fandom.

I have poured my heart and soul into blindly cheering for and violently defending the Gators from any and all opponents to the point that it has become hazardous to my health.  As such, I can no longer be a Gators fan as it is quite literally killing me.

I will accept an administrative role as a Gators' fan coordinator.

Dammit this is boring ... what's on TV?  Jersey Shore marathon?  I Love the 80s?  College basketball that doesn't involve John Wall or the NCAA tournament.  Ugh ... BRANDON!  Could you get in here and gouge out my eyes?

Wait, you know what?  Screw it.  I changed my mind.  I want to be a Gator.  Go Gators!  Get off the phone with my replacements!  I'm Brett Favre!  I'm coming back baby!

Instead of stepping down, I will step aside for a few months and have a third rate fan fill in for me.  Then the Gators will be so happy when, in August, I announce that I've had enough of my family and that I will be coming back.

Go Gators.