2009 NFL Week 16 Picks

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2009 NFL Week 16 Picks

 

San Diego (11-3) @ Tennessee (7-7)

 Check out what I wrote about the Titans back in Week 9: "My friend Cid is an oddity. He is always asking people to do stuff for him, and at times he might ask things that are outside of your comfort zone. Anyone outside our circle of friends might think he just mooches off people. In actuality, Cid will one day be inducted into the friend Hall of Fame. He will always stick his neck out for you and always finds a way to make you feel good about yourself if you're down. His mere presence encourages everyone to make pointed and timely jokes because he never misses the opportunity to do so himself. In addition, whatever he asks of you, he will do it 5 times bigger for you. That's who he is. Consequently, we laugh harder and hang tighter whenever he's around. Cid is Vince Young. VY has fairly average stats but has a winning record as a starting quarterback. Guys just seem to have a pep in their step whenever Young is under center. Although I don't think the Titans win this Sunday, it's worth paying attention to for the rest of the season". Here we are seven weeks later, and what I said back in Week 9 is still true today. I'm going against the grain this week, and picking the Titans to upset the mighty ChargersPick: Titans win 23-20.

 


Buffalo (5-9) @ Atlanta (7-7)

I have not yet seen one game of the Buffalo Bills this season. Not one. I have seen a few highlights but I was unable to bring myself to watch one of their games.  Keep in mind, I have seen every team in the NFL this season play at least once. But the Bills just hold no appeal to me. Their defense fails to impress me, same for their ground game and their quarterbacks. I have seen enough highlights of them to know that I don’t want to watch them play. They are like that horribly ugly stripper with super sized breasts that scare you more than they actually arouse you. Consequently, I might have trouble watching this game. Mind you, I have enough faith in Matty Ice (Matt Ryan), Tony Gonzalez, Roddy White and whoever starts at running back for them to pick the Falcons to win this game. Quick note: In the funniest of ironies, if the Colts  (I’m a Colts fan) defeat the Jets this week, it will bring their record to 15-0 with the last game of the season being against Buffalo (which means I would have to watch that game). But if the Colts lose, the game against Buffalo becomes meaningless. The NFL just loves to screw with me I swear. Pick: Falcons win 24-19.

 

 

Kansas City (3-11) @ Cincinnati (9-5)

After catching a long touchdown pass against the Chargers, Ochocinco got down on one knee in the end zone, pointed to the sky, and the walked to the sideline in tears. When asked after the game what he said as he got down to one knee; Mr 85, rocking his stunnashades, responded: "All I kept repeating to myself was that 85 and 15 gonna find 100 ways to make things right". Well said Chad. R.I.P. Chris Henry 1983-2009.

Pick: Bengals win 24-17.


Take it to the crib baby.
Take it to the crib baby.

Oakland (5-9) @ Cleveland (3-11)

All season, I have had the Browns somewhere around 30th or 31st spot in my power rakings with the Chiefs coming in somewhere around the 28th or 29th spot. Well, Cleveland proved to me that I had the wrong order. The Browns are indeed the better team. Does this truly matter in the grand scheme of things? Of course not, but put it this way: if you have two hideous prostitutes (let's call them Wide Open & Really Wide Open, see how we're still talking football?) on your block and they are just standing there waiting for a customer; and then you walk up and pick Wide Open because she appeals more to you for obvious reasons. Don't you think it would bother Really Wide Open that she didn't get picked? Of course it would! She loses out on the money and has to live with the fact that Wide Open appeals more to prospective clients. So this means that although both are hideous, Really Wide Open is more hideous than Wide Open. Replace those names now with Cleveland and Kansas City and you get the point. Random note: Josh Cribbs is so awesome that I think he should have his own reality TV show. Here's the list of things I would want to see Cribbs try to do:

-deliver newspapers in a crip neighborhood while wearing blood colors

-play quarterback for an NFL team (you know, the same way Vick used to)

-run away from the police in an episode of Bad Boys

-run after criminals in an episode of Bad Boys

-try to deliver more mail than a UPS ground truck in Manhattan

-and finally, play the role of Alonzo Harris (Denzel Washington) in the movieTraining Day. Does he outrun the Russians?

Pick: Browns win 20-17.


Seattle (5-9) @ Green Bay (9-5)

The Seattle Seahawks remind me of the movie The Happening. The world has been infected by some unknown virus that causes individuals to kill themselves. Construction workers are jumping off of roof tops, people are shooting themselves in the head at home while infected drivers are purposely crashing into walls, trees and other cars with the sole intent to take away their lives. In the movie the virus starts out on the east coast, hitting New Jersey and Pennsylvania. Well it would seem that the virus has now moved to the west coast and has hit Seattle. Last Sunday, scientists figured out that the origin of the virus and were consequently able to finally give it a name: the Jim Mora Jr. virus. Pick: Packers win 27-20.



Baltimore (8-6) @ Pittsburgh (7-7)

Let’s have Dwayne The Rock Johnson as a guest to provide some interesting insight on this game: “Finally the Rock has come BACK to SHYNE’S SPOT! The Rock says this; the Baltimore Ravens destroyed the Chicago Bears last week but the Pittsburgh Steelers will try to have them check in to the SMACK DOWN Down hotel on JABRONI boulevard. But before we proceed, listen to the fans, in about two seconds they will be chanting the Rock’s name (ROCKY ROCKY ROCKY ROCKY). Until the Steelers are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, I will pick them to defend their title and win…..IF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLL WHAT THE ROCK….IS COOKIN”. Thanks Rock, couldn’t have said it any better myself. PickPittsburgh wins 20-17.

 

Houston (7-7) @ Miami (7-7)

In last week’s NFL Picks article I published, I predicted how the Texans season would finish out. So I’m using the exact same material I used last week when I predicted the outcome of the game between the Texans and Rams. Here you go: “The Aladdin match up of the week. For those of you that missed last week's article, Aladdin in this case refers to an individual that ends up rubbing the lamp but fails to make a wish. In other words, it's a tease. So why did I pick this game as the Aladdin game of the week? Because Houston will look really good against the Rams (possibly too good even), ESPN then will run a graphic of all the 7-7 teams in the AFC vying for a wild card spot and then fans will begin to look at the scenarios and will talk themselves up into a potential trip to the postseason. Houston will then travel to Miami in Week 16 to play the Dolphins in what will be a heavily contested game, only to lose a heartbreaker at the end (like only the Texans can). In the end, the Texans will have teased their fans once again. The last game of the season against New England won't even matter. Aladdin indeed.”Pick: Dolphins win 20-17.


Jacksonville (7-7) @ New England (9-5)

Last week, sensing that their playoff lives might ride on the outcome of a Thursday night game against the Colts, Jaguars fans made sure to make it to the game to cheer their team on. The crowd was in a frenzy and every Jags fan with whom I spoke with had their eyes on the game. By the end of the night though, Jaguars fans were unhappy as their team fell 35-31 to Indy. The result of the game had some considerable effects on the fans involved. My boy Drew Breezzy was so unhappy about the result that he sent me this message: "You will never be a true Colts fan." That was almost as bad as Jay-Z telling the world that he was getting it on with his nemesis' (Nas) baby mother Carmen. But nonetheless, I understood Drew's pain. Now the Jaguars have to march into Gillette Stadium and try to defeat the Patriots and also hope that the right mix of teams lose for them to get a wildcard spot. I hate to break it to you Jags fans, but right now you're being put through a Jigsaw (from all six Saw movies) torture box. The Patriots are probably going to put an end to the Jags season. Pick: Patriots win 23-20.

 

Tampa Bay (2-12) @ New Orleans (13-1)

The Buccaneers have been playing better as of late. It would seem that Raheem Morris has grown more comfortable with his players, his coaching staff and his playbook. Ultimately, it probably won’t mean anything against the Saints. New Orleans will still be playing their guys because Minnesota still has a shot t the #1 seed. So expect the Saints to play their guys and air it out. In addition, the Saints probably need to build up some momentum in order to enter the playoffs on a high note. Quick question: Earlier this week, someone tweeted to me that Tiger Woods allegedly hooked up with 13 women. Considering the fact that his wife caught him, should we include Tiger Woods in the NFL Power Rankings this week? His 13-1 record is identical to that of the Saints. Pick: Saints win 30-20.

 

Detroit (2-12) @ San Francisco (6-8)

Both these teams are better of this year than they were last year. However, there will be more changes to come in the off-season. The coaching staffs will make some decisions regarding the teams’ personnel and will see who they can bring in to help the teams improve. I’m curious to see who comes and who goes. Does Culpepper stay as a back up for the Lions? What does the future hold for Alex Smith? If NFL Network gave Millen the power to hire a new analyst to do games with him, would he choose a wide receiver?

Is Matt Millen banned from interviewing for any managerial position in the NFL? These are questions I need answered. Pick: Lions win 24-23.

 

St. Louis (1-13) @ Arizona (9-5)

Congrats to the Cardinals for winning back to back NFC West titles. Mind you, does this mean we should expect them to lay an egg against the Rams? I’m almost sure that that’s exactly what it means. But here’s the funny thing about that: even if the Cardinals fail or forget to show up against S. Louis, they will still get it done against the Rams. Boy it must suck to root for St. Louis this year…Pick: Cardinals win 19-16.


NY Jets (7-7) @ Indianapolis (14-0)

I'm intrigued at the prospect of watching Peyton Manning try to solve Rex Ryan's defense; should be intriguing. As it pertains to the Jets offense though; what usually gets them in trouble is turnovers. So if the pool boy from Desperate Housewives (I bet Mark Sanchez used to pretend he was Jesse Metcalfe before, but now the roles are probably reversed) can limit his mistakes and make safe throws, his team will have a shot at upset. However, if he puts the ball up for grabs, don't hold your breath for the Jets. With that said, for the past few weeks, I have continued to follow the same logic: until Indianapolis actually loses a game, I will continue to keep picking them to win. Pick: Colts win 24-20.

 

Carolina (6-8) @ NY Giants (8-6)

Denver (8-6) @ Philadelphia (10-4)

Philadelphia, Dallas and the NY Giants are all in the hunt for the NFC East crown. Currently, the Eagles have the inside track by virtue of their record. So who will wear the crown this year? Let’s have a quick look at the remaining schedules:

PHI: Denver, @Dallas

DAL: @Washington, Philadelphia

NYG: Carolina, @Minnesota

The Giants are going to have a little bit of trouble with the Carolina Panthers but I expect them to prevail nonetheless. Where it gets tough for them is that they have to defeat the Vikings and hope that their divisional foes falter down the stretch. Never a good recipe. It’s like not studying for an exam and hoping for a bomb threat at school to happen and postpone your exam. Needless to say, unless there are some huge upsets in Week 16, the Giants seem extremely unlikely to win the division. In turn, this means that Dallas and Philadelphia get to fight for the crown. Far from being an easy game, but I expect Philadelphia to handle Denver; and I also expect Dallas to take care of business in Washington. This would set up a winner take all game in Week 17 at Philadelphia where Eagles fans will be going crazy as they cheer on their team. When it’s all said and done, I expect ___________ to wear the NFC East crown. What, you were expecting the answer now? If I answer you now, what would be the incentive for you to come back and read my Week 17 picks?

Picks: Eagles win 27-23 & Giants win 23-20.


Emmitt Smith and Michael Irvin
Emmitt Smith and Michael Irvin

Dallas (9-5) @ Washington (4-10)

Earlier this week, I caught some flack because I said on Twitter that Emmitt Smith should avoid microphones at all costs. Indeed, besides Troy Aikman, Deion Sanders and Michael Irvin, all other former Cowboys players should just stay tight lipped and keep it moving. Some Cowboys fans felt as though I was hating, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Emmitt Smith is arguably the best running back the NFL has ever seen. However, Emmitt talks a lot of non-sense whenever a microphone is up in his grill. For instance, earlier this season, Smith said that he wanted to see Romo in the face of his players displaying leadership and getting people in the right positions. The following day, Romo vowed to try to provide more leadership at the heart of his team. Emmitt then said he couldn’t possibly see Romo doing so when he was the one saying that Romo should be the guy leading the football club. Still not convinced? How about that Monday Night game from last year in which the Cowboys battled back to win an improbable game (amazing game really) against the Buffalo Bills. Emmitt Smith’s comments after the game: “Don’t quit, ummm just don’t quit.” Great job there Mr Best Running Back ever! Honestly, I was somewhat surprised that people didn’t realize just how bad #22 was with a microphone in his hand. Hell, Vanilla Ice was better than Emmitt on the mic. Even back when Prime Time Deion was singing ridiculous songs back in the 1990’s (Must be the Money), he was twice as nice when he took the mic and spit, while some cats are still trying to figure out the game like Emmitt (I made that rhyme, impressed? C’mon toss me some love, sheeeeesh). As it pertains to the game against Washington, I asked Marcie (huge Cowboys fan) for her take: “I try to never give up hope every Sunday, nor do I ever consider an easy team a win until the game is final. The Redskins are no exception. We beat them by a mere 1 point when we met earlier in the season, and although the Redskins pose no threat to taking an NFC East title or the Wildcard spot away from us, that doesn’t mean I will not hold my breath through all four quarters next Sunday night. We need this. We need both remaining games. Despite our excellent win against the Saints, it is still Go Big, or Go Home! for my Cowboys!” Pick: Cowboys win 19-17.

Emmitt speaks

Minnesota (11-3) @ Chicago (5-9)

Remember in the movie Men in Black, there was a locker with a bunch of tiny aliens living in it. Whenever someone would open up the door of the locker, the little aliens would chant the name of that person. So at first they chanted for K (name of Tommy Lee Jones’ character), and then they chanted for J (name of Will Smith’s character). They would say: “all hail J, all hail J, all hail! Oh Jay can you see….” And then either K or J would cut them off. So with Jay Cutler now having a staggering 25 interceptions this season, I would like for all fans that make in attendance to a Bears game to cheer Cutler whenever he throws an interception. “All hail Jay, all hail Jay, all hail Jay! Oh Jay can you see, that he’s on the wrong team!” I don’t ask for much people, just please give it a try, this could be legendary (Barney Stinson style). Pick: Vikings win 24-20.

 

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