Here is the actual letter that L.A. Laker Ron Artest wrote to sneaky husband Tiger Woods on his blog found at www.ronartest.com and the translation into English for those readers that aren't familiar with Artest's linguistic nuances:
In reading the statements you have made, I can tell you are a stand up guy. Please remember only Jesus is perfect. You made a mistake and you admitted your infidelity.
- Translation: "I, like God, am able to bestow absolution."
I have made the same mistakes. Before I got married to my wife, I had a baby with another young lady, after I already had two by my girlfriend who is now my wife. We also had another baby which makes three for us and four for me. Two boys and two girls.
- Translation: "We are the same, because I knock women up."
My wife is a much better wife than I am a husband. We still argue and disagree after being together 16 years. and I still cope with the fact that there are so many women out there and I choose to stay loyal to my wife.
- Translation: "I am a great husband because I don't cheat on my wife, even though I totally could."
I want to be home every night, but with traveling I can’t, and sometimes I might want to go to a bar or club and be one of the fellas. Most of the time I stay in, because I have my kids and wife.
- Translation: "I harbor great resentment towards my family for not being able to get laid at will like my fellow players, especially Kobe."
I cannot sit here and say the thought to have many women has never crossed my mind. If I were Jesus I could.
- Translation: "Jesus was gay and never thought about getting laid."
I have known my wife for 16 years– since I was 14 years old.
She was my first.
- Translation: "That's right, I was bangin' in middle school!"
On the way to 2010 we had many ups and downs on the way, mostly my fault. But I really choose to work hard and play ball to support her and my kids. The same reason you are building your legacy.
- Translation: "I assume that we are the same because we are both professional athletes."
I have been disturbed by this because there are many people who are happy that this bad news has come out.
- Translation: "I hate people that draw attention to themselves just to get attention."
There are a lot of sports announcers and regular reporters who are not perfect in their own homes, yet they want to bring you down.
- Translation: "I don't like people that act shamefully, not unlike myself."
You have done so much for people, the sport of golf, and your family and you gave your wife a life that people can’t even dream of.
- Translation: "Without you that bitch would be nothing and should respect that!"
I thought you were 36 or 37 until I read the news today. A 33-year-old man who has been a model citizen with so much at stake. This is your first publicly known issue since you started your career, compared to my 50 or more publicly known issues and mistakes.
You have been the perfect role model for me and my sons for longer than anyone I have known.
- Translation: "If you were four years older, this situation would have a whole different meaning...for some f***ing reason that I can't really figure out."
With the exception of a few legends.
- Translation: "For instance, such as, Jesus and such, like the Iraq, such as..."
As your fan, I can’t wait to see you golf again.
- Translation: "That's the sport where you roll the ball at the pins, right?"
And us athletes know how much you personally love your family.
- Translation: "Even though I don't know you, I know you. But you don't know me, so don't tell me how to live my life!"
- Translation: "Except that other chick I knocked up."