Your gift bag contains:

1) A little respect for Mark Ingram: Jeez, you'd think that Ingram paid off the voters and made them vote for him. Give the kid a break, all he did was run tough as nails and make the Florida defense look like a pair of holey socks.

2) A lockbox for Kirby Smart: It seems that Georgia is trying to steal your Frank Broyles Award winner from under your nose. Be sure you hide the key in a place no one else can find it for at least two more seasons.

3) A single rose: Obviously, this would be a lovely parting gift from the 2009 college football season.

4) Indefinite eligibility for Terrance Cody: Wouldn't it be nice to keep this guy around forever? There won't be another like him for a very long time.

5) A deep, dark hole to throw Jim Rome into: Has he ever had anything good or intelligent to say about Alabama?...Just saying.

Your gift bag contains:

1) A mulligan on the last offensive play of the Iron Bowl: Not sure it would have made a difference in the outcome, but, maybe if Chris Todd had put a little more air under that ball it would not have been batted down.

2) A punt-return man: Seriously. You need some help.

3) A pat on the back for Gene Chizik: Sure, that three game stretch of losses was brutal but give a little credit to Chizik for sparking some new life into the Tigers and making them bowl eligible again.

4) A Ben Tate clone: He was one word this season, awesome.

5) A good start for Lee Ziemba: I'd say he's had enough false one's in his career.

Your gift bag contains:

1) One more year for Mallett: Despite the final record for the Razorbacks, Ryan Mallett was one of, if not, the best quarterback in the SEC this season.

2) A rescinded offer to Paul Petrino by Illinois: His offense this past season really made good use of Mallett's skills.

3) A better season in 2010 than Houston Nutt: Admit it, you'd love to see him fail at Ole Miss, wouldn't you? Go on...you can say it :)

4) A defense that matches your offense: That would be something, wouldn't it?

5) SEC West respect: 3-5 this season was tough to swallow but next season looks very bright if Mallett returns, no?

Your gift bag contains:

1) A John Brantley that is even half as good as Tim Tebow. A once-in-a-decade player leaves some big shoes for this talented passer to try and fill.

2) A Kleenex for...well...you know.

3) A strong man to replace your Strong man.

4) A net to stop the exodus of coaches who are going on to "better" places. Seriously? What place could be better than Florida?

5) A running game. A REAL running game. Perhaps now that Tebow is out and Mack Brown is in for 2010, the run will return to it's Emmitt Smith glory.

Your gift bag contains:

1) A good defensive coordinator. It doesn't matter what his name is so long as he can make the secondary look like something that doesn't resemble Swiss cheese.

2) A coupon to be traded in for a win over Florida because, well, it's Florida. Duh!

3) An offense that has more versatility and less predictability.

4) A strength and conditioning program that actually prevents season-ending injuries from happening to key players over and over and over again.

5) One more season from Rennie Curran and Reshad Jones.

Your gift bag contains:

1) More appreciation for Rich Brooks. I mean, he's brought this program into the realm of respectability. People seem to forget that Kentucky ISN'T a football school.

2) A mature quarterback who isn't scared to make his presence felt.

3) A more aggressive front-four to go along with that talented secondary.

4) Another great year out of Randall Cobb. He's some kind of special with the ball in his hands.

Your gift bag contains:

1) A clock with an LED light that beeps when you are less than 29 seconds from your final destination—it knocks you over the head with a hammer and yells "Hey you! Do something!" once you are at one second.

2) A mop so you can clean up the trail of tears left behind by all the disappointed LSU fans.

3) A recruiting scandal that, hopefully, has left the building with D.J. McCarthy.

4) A fire. Someone needs to light one under Jefferson's backside. All that talent and no umph? Surely, he's a better quarterback than that.

Your gift bag contains:

1) A pair of bowling shoes for 2010. Wouldn't that be nice?

2) A quarterback who can actually throw the ball. Tyson Lee just isn't that guy.

3) Some SEC love for Anthony Dixon. The guy had almost as many yards and scores as Mark Ingram. Seriously.

4) Mulligans for both the Louisiana Tech and Kentucky games—wins in both would have surely meant a December bowl appearance.

Your gift bag contains:

1) Eyeglasses for Jevan...did you mean to throw 17 interceptions? You were a Heisman candidate, no?

2) A do over in Columbia because that was a bit embarrassing.

3) A Michael Oher clone because he was missed a lot more than many thought he would be.

4) Another player like Patrick Willis hidden in your 2010 recruiting class.

Your gift bag contains:

1) A round of applause for Stephen Garcia on a job well done. Way to give a big "take that" to the rest of the SEC. Talk about being underestimated for 2009. Garcia proved a lot of folks wrong.

2) A Rennie Curran who WASN'T available on the final play against Georgia. That tip sealed your "L."

3) Another year of eligibility for Eric Norwood.

4) A kicker who doesn't make you want to hide under the covers and pray for mercy.

Your gift bag contains:

1) A muzzle because, honestly, Lane kind of talks too much.

2) A straight jacket and a cage because that may be the only thing that can keep Eric Berry from leaving Knoxville.

3) The Great Whodini or David Copperfield because all these violations need to disappear soon.

4) An unlimited pass to Hooters—it's a lot less suspicious to bring the men to the hostesses than to bring the hostesses to the men. Just a thought.

Your gift bag contains:

1) Memory loss because this season was a disaster and should not be remembered lest you suffer great pain and suffering.

2) A prayer for the continued health of Warren Norman—one of the lone bright spots of the season.

3) Offense, offense, and more offense because the current offense was offensive.

4) Cement mix for your pass defense because it's a definite plus and needs to stay by any means necessary.