AFC: Letters To Santa - Satire
It just so happens that I have a close friend who works in the mail department at the North Pole and I got my hands on a few letters.
I’m sure if we read all the letters to Santa from the teams in the AFC we would find amazing discoveries about what these franchises think they need to win or what their desires are for this upcoming holiday season. Also, within these letters you will read some information about past letters to Santa and how they foreshadowed Christmas wishes.
I have been told that Santa takes the time to read every letter he receives and we are to be assured that he will be checking them twice to see if the people have been naughty or nice.
I can’t comprehend how well my team, a misfit bunch of inmates, has gelled together this season and now we're 9 – 3, one victory away from winning the division. We’ve recently added another troubled player to the mix in Larry Johnson but it seems to be going smoothly. Coming into this season I was already on the hot seat when only a few years ago I was being talked about as one of the up and coming coaches. The only reason I came under fire was because my team scored more arrests than touchdowns over the past couple of seasons. Santa I’m pleading with you, please do not let any of my team get locked up during this holiday season.
P.S. I thought you ignored my letter last year regarding the Steelers but I guess not; you got them good this year. Thanks!
I recently took over a position that has been looking for a successor for over a decade. The only reason I have this job is because the injury prone over achieving guy who had this position at the beginning of the year ended his season in a painful familiar fashion. The team has recently crept back into the playoff picture after we beat the division leading Patriots, who seem to be as afraid of road games as the 'Rainman' is of hot water. Since taking over I have had some good games and some bad ones this season. If we are going to make the playoffs I was hoping you could help me play more like Dan Marino and less like Dan Wuerffel.
P.S. If I do play bad down the stretch, please don’t let Joey Porter beat me up.
New England Patriots
I have three rings, a league MVP, super model wife, and two beautiful kids. I don’t even know if it’s fair for me to be asking for more but I might as well go for broke. We’ve fallen to 7 – 5 and are in danger of missing the playoffs and that is not something that I’m ok with. The problem is not with home games. It has to do with traveling to play outside of the New England area. If I’m not pushing it, please bring us four wins to end the season and put us in the playoffs at which point Bill and I will take care of business.
P.S. Whatever happens during this beautiful holiday time of year, pretty please don’t let that fat bag of wind Rex Ryan take the Jets to playoffs.
When I look at our numbers I think to myself that I should be fired, but that just proves the only thing in the NFL that matters is having more wins than losses. We are -48 in point differential, the Steelers are +34 and they are one game under 500, how is this possible? In our first 12 games we are 7 – 5 and have a wild card position in our sights. I would love to make the playoffs and keep my job especially since the team has a chance to relocate to Los Angeles. My offense could really use your help in out scoring our opponents in our remaining four games of the season.
Jack Del Rio
P.S. Santa if we do make the playoffs, could we be this years Arizona Cardinals?
We started this season like a house on fire and ran off six straight wins. Then we hit a bump in the road and my ‘Varsity Blues’ Tweeter like personality started to wear thin on the team and media. Chargers uncharacteristically got off to a fast start and now hit the point in the season when all they do is win football games. The Chargers have a 15 game winning streak in the month of December and I need them to start a streak in the opposite direction. I was on the fence as whether or not to even write this letter because I could just wait for the Norv factor to kick in.
P.S. Just so we are clear, I am still upset you never gave me the couple extra inches it would have taken to make me an NFL talent.
If you enjoyed this please check out the NFC Letters to Santa @ my BR Profile