Brian Kelly Dumps Cincinnati For Ugly Notre Dame

Robert DentonCorrespondent IDecember 11, 2009

SOUTH BEND, IN - DECEMBER 11: Notre Dame atheletic director Jack Swarbrick (R) greets Brian Kelly as he is introduced as the new football head coach at Notre Dame University on December 11, 2009 in South Bend, Indiana.  Kelly most recently led the University of Cincinnati to two consecutive Bowl Championship Series appearances including a perfect 12-0 record this past season. (Photo by Frank Polich/Getty Images)
Frank Polich/Getty Images

Rest easy Cincinnati, Brian Kelly was good while he lasted, but it's his new "significant other" that will leave you feeling like you're the one who came out on top.

He made you look good.

In Kelly's three years in Cincinnati he led you to a 34-6 record, two Big East Championships, two bowl wins, and two BCS Bowl appearances. 

He put you on the map. 

You are now as visible as that other school in Ohio that has occupied your state's and the national media's attention for decades. 

He made you relevant. 

Imagine if you will, that he took you to the expensive salon, got you a new haircut, waxed your eyebrows, and got rid of that winter fur on your back.

He helped you fix up your house and made you wealthy. 

Since Kelly's first full year in 2007, the "Raising the Bar" fundraising campaign has raised over $12.5 million toward improvements in athletic facilities.  He also procured two fat checks worth roughly $17 million for your Orange Bowl and Sugar Bowl appearances in the last two years. 

But as often happens in relationships that start off in such a rush of sexiness and passion, things can sometimes end rather abruptly…and in your case, it has.

Here comes the good part.

The only part that any of us enjoy after a tough breakup with a really good looking girl is seeing her a few months later at the club, with some dude who is sporting four popped collars and has warts on his eyes. 

Enter…Notre Dame.

Kelly said that being named the head coach at Notre Dame was, “a dream for me… the excellence in the athletic arena is second to none.”  “Nobody does it like Notre Dame.” 

Well, in a way he’s right.  In the current landscape of college football, few have done it worse.

I think Willie Nelson described this kind of overzealous optimism best when he sang the lyrics, “I went to bed at two with a “ten,” but woke up at ten with a “two.” 

Brian, this ain’t your grandfather’s Notre Dame!

Sure, the media still gives them attention.  I’m sure furry backed, ugly dudes with warts on their eyes are still looked at affectionately by their equally hideous mothers, too…but that doesn’t make them attractive.     

The Fighting Irish haven’t won more than six games in a season in three years and only won three in 2007.  They have not had a win over a top 25 team in the same span.  They have lost to Navy two out of the last three years.  They are irrelevant! 

You aren’t.  You are the “attractive” one.  You are the one that can attract one of the top new coaches in the country.  You are the one with back to back BCS Bowl appearances.  You are what’s new and great about college football. 

Don’t be angry that Kelly left you.  Be happy knowing that when you see him at the club in a few months, you’ll laugh.