The Tiger Bunch: Ranking Tiger Woods' Mistresses
The Tiger Woods saga is starting to be like a Family Guy joke. It's funny at first, then it goes on too long and stops being funny, then it goes on a little bit longer and becomes inexplicably funny again.
First Tiger had three mistresses, then three more came out over the weekend, then we have a seventh today. Forget the Jelly of the Month Club, the Tiger story is truly the gift that keeps on giving.
So before your mom comes out and claims that she has slept with Tiger, let's go ahead and rank these ladies on how well Woods actually did in the looks department.
No. 8: Mindy Lawton
Not to be mean or anything, but Lawton doesn't exactly fit the standard that Tiger has set for himself. She got the whole "club girl" thing going on, but I just have a hard time believing that Mindy Lawton could make a guy cheat in a game of Battleship, much less on his wife.
No. 7: Kalika Moquin
Kalika (left) is probably the most well connected of Tiger's women, if you don't count his wife.
She is a high profile club promoter in Vegas and someone that Tiger must have had a hard time sneaking around with, because word on the street is that she knows pretty much everyone in that city.
I mean, it's not like you wouldn't recognize Tiger and be like "Hey, isn't that Tiger woods going into that hotel room with a woman who is not a Swedish supermodel," but still....
No. 6: Cori Rist
Another New York City girl, Rist was the ever coveted Hooters girl that you always want to take home, but you can't because you're not Tiger Woods.
I'm sure Cori Rist is a lovely lady on her own, but anytime you see a girl in that setting with the little orange shorts and the tank top, she becomes roughly 20 times more desirable.
No. 5: Rachel Uchitel
Do you remember Rachel Uchitel? It seems like forever since we learned her name. She started denying the rumors of an affair with her and Tiger almost immediately, but do you think she misses the attention now that she's old news?
This VIP hostess from Vegas has got the lips of Angelina and a nice beach body to boot. Now that we've seen actual pictures of her instead of blurry tabloid pics, we can see that she's not bad looking, but still not as hot as Tiger's wife, which was confusing.
But now we see that Uchitel was just the beginning and there were some even hotter mistresses that were about to come out of the woodwork.
No. 4: Holly Sampson
Tiger's latest mistress is actually a porn star. With all of the sex that Woods is allegedly having, I don't blame him for wanting someone who can keep up.
She hasn't yet confirmed her relationship with the golfer, but she is definitely the one of all of the women who has to be the least worried about all of the sexual partners that Tiger has had. That's a half days work for her.
No. 3: Jaimee Grubbs
Jaimee Grubbs is the woman through all of the craziness that we aren't doubting for a second. Even though six other women have been linked to Woods, Jaimee is the only one who has brought any proof forward, as well as sparked a response from Tiger himself about his transgressions.
This Las Vegas hottie is an aspiring model who hoped to make it onto Playboy some day. I have a feeling this won't hurt her chances.
Oh, and for fun, check out the slow jam remix of the voicemail Tiger sent her.
No. 2: Jamie Jungers
26-year-old model Jamie Jungers is definitely the hottest of Tiger's mistresses and has the juiciest story by far. She met Tiger in Vegas, nine months into his marriage, and hooked up with him when he started hitting on her at the club they were at.
She then went home the next day to herfiance and told him that she met Tiger Woods and got his number. Her fiance was a huge Tiger fan and was really excited about that, not realizing that she had slept with him the night before.
Jungers gets extra credit for wrecking two homes with her affair with Tiger.
No. 1: Elin Nordegren
Sorry to all of Tiger's "other" women, but while they may have been hot enough to tear Tiger away from his wife, they are in no way hotter than her.
The Swedish model, former nanny, and current sexy twin gave the golf world a collective double-take when she came onto the scene with Woods. She is ridiculously hot.
However, even though there's a chance she may be back on the market soon, I would advise her next boyfriend to 1) stay faithful and 2) if you don't stay faithful, make sure you don't leave any weapons or sports equipment that could double as a weapon laying around.