Police Find Keith Ballard's "Decapitation List '09" (Satire)

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Police Find Keith Ballard's
Joel Auerbach/Getty Images

In a bizarre twist to the incident that took place on Monday night involving Florida Panthers defense man Keith Ballard and goalie Tomas Vokoun, police investigators have made a startling discovery.

After the game, police did a standard check of Ballard's locker to make sure there was no professional contract signed for the assassination of Tomas Vokoun. In doing so, what they found was far more un-nerving.

Investigators have confirmed that a list was found inside of Ballard's locker entitled, "Decapitation List '09", which outlined a list of names in which police can only assume Ballard would like to decapitate.

While there are still only preliminary reports from the NHL, Ballard is not currently being punished for the supposed "accident" that injured, but did not mortally wound Vokoun.

"I gotta say," one investigator was quoted, "this doesn't look good. I mean, this isn't CSI or anything, but you gotta think that if a guy has a list in his locker of guys he wants to decapitate, that maybe this wasn't an accident."

The police are not willing to comment further at this time, pending further investigation into the relationship/associations that Ballard has with the other two names on the list:

1. "Bob Sagat of Full House fame"


2. "David Schwimmer, the guy that played that douche Ross on Friends. Seriously, you were banging Jennifer Aniston! It doesn't matter if it wasn't for real, what do you have to complain about?!"


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