Amazingly, Major League Baseball has announced that Detroit Tiger Dontrelle Willis has been named the 2010 Puma Comeback Player of the Year. His assault on major league pitching resulted in a .332 batting average, 41 home runs, 122 RBI and one American League Triple Crown.
Willis’ success is even more incredible in light of his last two years in baseball, which left many experts wondering, "What in Hades happened to that guy?"
Here's a somewhat rudimentary timeline:
June 10, 2008: Optioned to Tigers Class A affiliate Lakeland.
June 11, 2008: Tigers begin historic turnaround that eventually results in division title.
June 20, 2008: Willis is lit up for 11 runs without recording an out in debut against Tampa Yankees. His ERA for Lakeland is infinite. Which is quite an accomplishment.
June 21, 2008: Arrested at a Tampa McDonald’s after allegedly striking an employee. According to Willis, he had ordered three Big Macs and the secret sauce was left off of all three sandwiches. He felt the act was deliberate. Willis allegedly began reigning blows upon the male teenage worker while yelling repeatedly, “You want fries with that?!?”
June 22, 2008: Tampa police announce that charges will not be filed against Willis. In a statement to the media, the teenage employee says, “To be fair to Mr. Willis, I instigated the fight by intentionally leaving the secret sauce off his Big Macs. Plus, everybody knows that baseball players don’t know how to fight, so it’s not like I was physically harmed.”
June 26, 2008: The infamous “mooning incident.” During batting practice before a night game against Daytona, Willis drops his pants while Lakeland centerfielder Jeramy Laster is taking his cuts. Willis yells, “Hey Laster! I’ll give you 25 singles if you can hit it here!” He then proceeds to turn around, bend over and expose his derierre. Laster rips the next pitch into Willis’ posterior, where it becomes lodged. Willis is rushed to a nearby hospital with the baseball embedded in his buttocks. The shot becomes known as “Laster’s Laser.”
June 27, 2008: After six hours of surgery, Dr. Seymour Hamm, a Lakeland proctologist, successfully removes the sphere from Willis’ sphincter. In a statement to the press, Hamm states that Willis offered the following explanation on the incident: “It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one…”
June 28, 2008: Willis reports that he will miss the rest of the season due to a “tender anus.” Laster complains that Willis still owes him $25.
September 13, 2008: The general public’s laughter regarding the incident finally subsides.
October 30, 2008: Tigers complete their dream season by winning Game Seven of the World Series. Willis watches the game from home while sitting on a donut…and eating several.
November 27, 2008: After a whole lot of turkey and a few too many beers, Willis decides to visit a local batting cage. As he rips line drive after line drive, he notices he’s never felt so alive.
December 20, 2008: Willis sends Christmas card to Tiger General Manager Dave Dombrowski, stating his desire to transition from pitching to “playing other positions.”
December 23, 2008: Dombrowski receives Willis’ card and throws it into a fire with roasting chestnuts—having never read of Willis’ bold plan.
February 2009: Willis shows up at Spring Training in the best shape of his life.
March 1, 2009: Willis is crushing everything in sight. Tigers brass contemplate a switch to rightfield. Dombrowski is quoted as being “surprised and confused.”
March 2, 2009: Willis, Tigers and rest of league learn that Willis “can’t hit the curveball.” He is sent back to the minors—this time for seasoning as a hitter.
Spring and Summer 2009: Willis begins the year at Lakeland, is promoted to Double A Erie and eventually to Triple A Toledo. While in minors, he learns to hit the curveball and destroys minor league pitching, batting .376 with 47 homers and 112 RBI.
Fall 2009: Tigers finish last in AL Central but by only two games, as the whole division stunk it up pretty well.
Spring 2010: Willis makes the Tiger roster and is tabbed as the starting rightfielder. Magglio Ordonez is moved to DH. Dombrowski checks into the Betty Ford Clinic. It is assumed he has a drug or alcohol problem. It’s later determined that he merely “freaked out pretty good.”
July 13, 2010: Willis starts for the AL in the All-Star Game, batting third and playing rightfield. He is named the game’s MVP after two three-run jacks, a diving catch and two outfield assists.
Team executives and American League fans are miffed when Willis pitches the fourth inning, nearly squandering a 13-run lead while sustaining what the team trainer termed a “slight re-aggravation of previous rectal trauma.” Jokes and snickers abound.
Summer of 2010: Willis continues assault on AL pitching and hits two walk-off home runs in season’s final series. He becomes the first Triple Crown winner in over 40 years.
October 7, 2010: Willis is named the 2010 Puma Comeback Player of the Year. In a statement to the press, Willis states: "I'd like to thank Jeramy Laster for giving me the smack in the rump I needed to make the swap to the outfield. And also to Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Uncle Stanky's Ball Smack—without the alcohol rage and that batting cage, it's quite possible that I'd still be throwing batting practice—instead of hitting it before every game."
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3 months ago
This was absolutely fantastic. I can't describe in many more words how fantastic this was. Bravo, Greg.
from 3 months ago
Thanks JJ.
3 months ago
Hey greg this was VERY VERY funny. D Willis story needed this kind of spin on it cause it is very sad right now.
from 3 months ago
I needed to do something to cheer me up over the Dontrelle Willis story. He was so good for such a short time--then he gets demoted to A ball. And while I don't question the decision to send him to the minors, I thought A ball was a little harsh.
3 months ago
Well, can't really say you're bagging on Dontrelle given that you have him acheiving more success than he could possibly dream of at the moment. Also, I like your prediction of a Tigers Championship. They're coming baby!!! Only seven back in the woeful central. Hopefully, your ENTIRE article comes true! We all know that reality is often stranger than fiction.
from 3 months ago
Yeah, Tiger fans should be happy about the current win streak and bright prediction of better days to come.
3 months ago
HAHAHAHA.....absolutely great! I love the arrest at McDonald's. Great Article!
from 3 months ago
It'll be the last time Dontrelle goes without his secret sauce, that's for darn sure.
3 months ago
I love it, and Laster's Laser is coming up in a few days...I can't wait.
from 3 months ago
One thing's for sure: I'll be keeping my pants up when Jeramy Laster steps up to the plate...although, I can't imagine why they'd be down in the first place.
from 3 months ago
Mooning is an impulse thing, you gotta be able to fight it. I think they have support groups for people like Willis though, so maybe he can avoid the incident by visiting M.A (Mooners Anonymous)
3 months ago
wow. what a great sunday afternoon read. nice work
from 3 months ago
Thanks John.
3 months ago
Those of us with "tender anus" are not amused Mr. Adams. Do you really think rectalflambosis is a laughing matter, sir? I would not stand for this, if it wasn't for the fact that I cannot sit down.
(Oh, I will grant that the article you've created is hilarious. But that still doesn't make it right.)
;)
from 3 months ago
I guess you won't be squirming in your seat...yowsers.
from 3 months ago
Oh and rectalflambosis is a laughing matter...unless you have it. And yes, it's hard to type standing up.
3 months ago
Absolutely hilarious. Excellent article.
3 months ago
wow great article, yet again greg
3 months ago
This is the most I've laughed in a while. Thanks!
Go Tigers!
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