This year I have plenty to be thankful for.
Cable TV (including the NFL network).
A lazy boy that still supports my fat ass.
A delicious turkey dinner.
And an extra serving of not two, but THREE Thanksgiving game matchups with some of the most dreadful teams in NFL history.
As if that alone weren'tt enough to gobble down Aunt Mary’s not-so-great-gravy, we also get to watch Thanksgiving NFL halftime shows!
Unfortunately, it is confirmed that we’ll miss out on any sexy, unexpected appearances from Mrs. Janet Jackson's right breast or any other “wardrobe malfunctions” since the sister to the King of Pop won’t appear in any of the halftime shows this year, at least not on Thanksgiving Day.
We will, however, get a taste of the music from the Jackson 5 through a Tribute to Motown’s 50th Anniversary during the 2009 United Way Thanksgiving Day NFL Halftime Show in the first game between the Green Bay Packers and the Detroit Lions at the Ford Field in Detroit (FOX 12:30pm ET).
Performing the classics of Motown artists like Diana Ross and The Supremes , The Temptations, Stevie Wonder, and Marvin Gaye, the halftime show will feature recent Motown artists like Forever The Sickest Kids and Kem, both of whom have been influenced by these stars and had no better plans for Thanksgiving.
They got paid very well, too.
But what the hell kind of names are those? Forever the Sickest Kids ? Ok...
And, yes, I guess I’m not hip enough and have not heard of Melanie Fiona Hal Linton , Shontelle, and Vita Chambers , but they’ll perform too.
Over at the Cowboys Stadium, former American Idol season five finalist Chris Daughtry has been announced as the entertainer for their annual Thanksgiving game between the Cowboys and the Oakland Raiders (CBS 4:15pm ET).
Sounds like halftime shows this year will be the perfect time to go out to that muddy/snowy lot and play some backyard football.
And it has been that way for some years now. To prove that point, here’s my list of the crappiest Thanksgiving Game Halftime Shows.
1.) Jonas Brothers in 2008
SEA @ DAL, 4:15 PM (FOX)
Here, the Dallas Cowboys defeated the Seattle Seahawks. And, yes, this ended up being their 10th loss of the season, and, yes, this was their fifth loss in a row, but I am willing to bet any money that it only happened because they got sidetracked by the tunes of teen hormone-packed songs like “Tonight,” “Lovebug,” and “Burning Up."
No, seriously, I’m sure any parent is OK with taking their 12-year-old daughter to a jam-packed concert of The Jonas Brothers or even playing their CDs in the car, but I’m sure you really don’t want them at your football game, too.
Let’s face it; this was really “off-target” for the type of audience that is normally glued to the TV watching Thanksgiving Day matchups.
2.) Jesse McCartney: (a.k.a. Turkey) in 2008
Unless Jesse McCartney is related to Paul McCartney (which he is not, I just Googled him), then I give up.
I have no clue who the heck this kid is.
Since I’m clueless about this fellow and in honor of the festivities, I will nickname him "Turkey."
Why? On Nov. 27, 2008, at the Ford Field in Detroit, he showed up on TV singing for the Thanksgiving halftime show performance.
According to Dictionary.com the definition of Turkey is:
a. person or thing of little appeal; dud; loser
b. naive, stupid, or inept person
c. poor and unsuccessful theatrical production; flop
But in his favor I have to say the production really wasn’t THAT bad.
3.) Bon Jovi in 2002
OK performance, decent sound.
What happened to the stage? Half of it was abducted?
They lost the luggage in which the other half was packed?
Bon Jovi is as American as giving your kids a wedgie, so I won’t slaughter the man for the low-budget production.
It’s not the Super Bowl halftime show, but it's as close as you can get before Christmas.
Bonus points for not lip syncing: You could hear the guy. But it was clear that, Jack Daniels, cigarettes, staying up late, and lots of women have each left their mark in his now really raspy voice.
Still, Bon Jovi set the perfect mood for the day on which the Patriots defeated the Lions, 20-12 on Thanksgiving Day in the Motor City in 2002.
4.) Mariah Carey in 2005
No song on earth can be any more boring than a song by Mariah Carey.
I’m sure half the stadium was asleep.
But then again, who cares if the song’s boring? Is anyone listening?
For all I care, you can put the TV on mute.
Oh wait? She’s talking, put the sound back on! Cause maybe she’s talking all sexy and stuff.
Other than the usual fireworks, lots of dancers, and the sexy Mariah Carey herself, if I were to rate just the performance, it was awful.
Crucify me, slaughter me for criticizing her, but the show was lame, plus what’s with her being carried in this inflatable bed everywhere? A sprained ankle? Pure laziness? I recommend a Segway.
In any case, the Lions didn’t appreciate how the Atlanta Falcons destroyed them 27-7 on the Thanksgiving game in 2005 after coming off four consecutive losses.
I think it was you and your song that brought them bad luck, Mariah. I’m just saying...
BONUS (This performance actually DIDN’T suck)
Destiny’s Child in 2004
OK, here is for something good for a change!
From prepubescent kids with stringy voices to three curvaceous hot women by the names of Kelly, Michelle, and Beyoncé in shiny outfits strutting down a football field with a marching band behind them, a million-dollar production with fireworks, lights, and an all-out Hollywood stage for them to go crazy on!
This is the moment on Thanksgiving Day when you do actually feel like giving thanks! There is a God out there!
For some it was the worst NFL game ever played, but for me it was the best halftime show in Thanksgiving history!