Top Things Rival SEC Coaches Should Say About Tennessee Arrests

I can never in any attempt capture the true smart-ass mouth that is Steve Spurrier, but I am sure going to try.

To Recruits: "Well, son I will tell you what. You can come to South Carolina and we will teach you how to pump gas, clean windshields, check oil, and thank the customers. Or you can go to Tennessee and learn how to conceal weapons, disguise your face, and rob those customers!"

To Mike Slive: “Is it a violation to create a real armed robbery atmosphere by using a pellet gun instead of a real gun and a hoodie instead of a mask?"

To the Media: "I'll tell you what. Lane Kiffin is a hell of a coach and recruiter. As a matter of fact our local correctional facilities guests can't stop talking about his visits and their future in his program"

To Lane Kiffin: “Really?! I mean Really, son. It's just called the 'Fun and Gun' offense. It’s not supposed to be taken literally. If you are going to imitate it at least do it successfully!"

Although Les has taken the high road as of late (and I commend him for it) this may be too good to pass up. He may be the one coach not to poke at Kiffin, but if he did.....

To Recruits: “If you leave Louisiana to go to Tennessee, son, I want you to remember to wear a mask for God's sake. If you’re going to be a robber at least be a damn good one!"

To Mike Slive: "After reviewing the video of the arrest you can clearly see that upon entering the squad car Jackson had one foot in, I don't know what angle your evaluation has but he had control and possession of the pellet gun and one foot in."

To the Media: “We have the utmost confidence that Janzen Jackson will recover from this incident and go on to make Louisiana proud. We even received a personal endorsement and reference letter for him from Ryan Periloux."

To Lane Kiffin: “Taking over the reins after a great coach is never easy. There will be ups and downs, just do your best. Also, teach your players common sense like don't commit robbery and if you do, don't wear the team logo when you get arrested."

I bet his assistants were fighting each other to be the first to report this incident to Urban. How much do you want to bet that he was as giddy as a 12 year old school girl to find out Richardson was one of the players involved?

To Recruits: “I have two national titles, a Heisman winning quarterback, and several first round draft picks on my resume. At Florida we teach courtesy, respect, and teamwork. I do not know why anyone would want to go anywhere other than Florida. However if you do want to go to Tennessee, they have a rich tradition we cannot match: After every conviction of a player, cell block D sings Rocky Top all night long!!

To Mike Slive: “I would like to self report a recruiting violation. During the robbery I called Richardson to try to talk him out of it. Just in case you did not know, I can't do that so I'm turning myself in right now in front of y'all."

To the Media: “I do not think that these players should be charged with anything. After viewing the video surveillance and the circumstance it is obvious they were really not trying to win the robbery. I mean, it was late in the robbery and they weren’t even using a real gun."

To Lane Kiffin: “Do you think the paper work the jail and court system does will get faxed to the wrong school as well, because you know what kind of things go on down there."

Mark Richt must have thought, "thank you God. at least someone else in the east is struggling as well."

To Recruits: “I have said before that I pray to God to send myself and Georgia the men who are right for the University of Georgia. Our school has so much to offer a talented young man and we want you to succeed in life. At Tennessee, instead of praying for God to bring recruits Lane has a much better system. He simple calls the local Juvenile correction facility and asks for drop off upon release."

To Mike Slive: “God bless you, Mike. I know it must be hard having to deal with coaches running off at the mouth, and now these poor young men committing this act of stupidity. I wish you luck in dealing with this on top of your referee's cheating and rigging games."

To the Media: “You want to see a robbery go look at the excessive celebration penalty thrown against A.J. Green by the official. That is a successful robbery."

To Lane Kiffin: “Son, a word of advice: Rap and Football never end up a good thing. Just go back and look at the FSU rap me and Bobby went through. Ugly. It always ends very ugly."

Last, but not least, we come to the man who won't say anything negative for fear it will haunt him later on, but, my God, what I wouldn’t give to have him just go off like he does against the media.

To Recruits: “We don't worry about what other programs do in terms of utilization of personnel and recruits. Here at Alabama we have a process and we feel that you have potential to be useful in that process. Our coaching staff feels that with your talent and ability you would be best suited at linebacker instead of getaway driver like Tennessee suggested."

To Mike Slive: “It is clear that during the robbery one of the victims removed his money before the robbery was complete. This means that the robbery was still live and the arrest should be invalid. In accordance with policy we should release the boys, line 'em up, and do the robbery again."

To the Media: “Listen, it is about time somebody took up for these guys. We have run them into the ground and do not realize how hard a job it really is. I mean, I would not want to be a robber and I don't think you would either. You are constantly worrying about getting caught and being in the right position. I think these Tennessee player's are doing the best they can under the circumstances. Without them, think of all the police officers who would be without jobs. It is time somebody stood up for them."

To Lane Kiffin: "Hey kid, Instead of building a fence around Memphis, perhaps you and Lance would be better served putting an electric one around the campus at Knoxville."