Unofficial Interview With Mark McGwire, Cardinals New Hitting Coach

Greg RiotAnalyst INovember 12, 2009

Introducing Mark McGwire Will Be Tricky

Oh…MAN! The St. Louis Cardinals are having trouble coming up with ways to introduce their new hitting coach, Mark McGwire , because…well…he’s a douchebag. McGwire literally went into hiding after the congressional hearing about performance enhancing drugs and now has thrust himself in to the spotlight by aligning himself with his former team in a coaching role. The air of intrigue surrounds Busch Memorial Stadium is at an all-time high, and if the PR team of the Cards isn’t suited to handle this particular intro, I’m here to help!

Question: So Mark, let’s talk about the past…
Answer: I’m not here to talk about the past. I’m not going to talk about what happened in my childhood, when I was a teenager, when I was a player or even what happened five-seconds ago. I’m not even going to talk about things I just said. I want to focus on the future.

Question: Where have you been for the past four years?
Answer: Didn’t you hear what I just said? The last four years were wiped from my memory banks. I could’ve been doing volunteer work in Cambodia for all I know. I’ve hired a professional hypnotist to clear my memory so that I can focus on the future. The future is all that matters.

Question: Ok…so about the immediate future…
McGwire: Yes?

Question: How do you hope to help the Cardinals this upcoming season?
McGwire: My assistants tell me that St. Louis ranks 18th in the league last year in batting, but I’m not here to discuss the past. I only want to talk about the future.

Question: Jesus…
McGwire: Jesus is a figure of the past! We’re not talking about the past! Only the present and the future!

Question: Ok, sorry, Mark. How do you plan on improving Albert Pujols ? He’s the best hitter in baseball, some say, and he led the league in home runs last year with 49.
McGwire: Pujols needs to hit the ball in the field more. Getting people around the horn is more important. He needs to respect history more and keep his home runs for when they’re needed most.

Question: What? Since when are home runs a bad thing?
McGwire: Since I stopped playing, basically. The game has changed. Power hitters have no place in baseball anymore. But, again, I’m not here to talk about the past.

Question: Okay fine. So what about the future are you worried about?
McGwire: Robots. I’m terrified of robots. They can’t be trusted.

Question: Robots? What about the Dodgers or the Phillies? Aren’t you concerned about them?
McGwire: Yes I am. They’re great teams, and both proved they can be dangerous in the post season. But until they have robots on their roster, I think we have a chance.

The idea, for you PR newbies, is to swerve and deflect. Once the press is done scratching their heads about the threat of cyborgs and robots overwhelming the safety of humanity , they’ll stop caring about the scandal that McGwire pioneered nearly ruining baseball.