Any Day Now: News That's Bound to Break

Sports Satire by Christopher C. Wuensch

Months after a November photo revealed a drastic difference in Sammy Sosa’s now-lighter skin tone, the infamous Chicago Cubs slugger admits attempts to “desaparezca fuera de vista.”

Translation: disappear out of sight.

A frail Sosa was a mere shell of his former 6-foot, 220-pound Earth-thundering self when he sat down recently with reporters. Slammin’ Sammy—he of a sixth-best all-time 609 dingers and a U-Haul full of steroid allegations in tow—confessed to recently taking a herbal supplement grown along the shoreline of the Yaque Del Sur river of his native Dominican Republic.

The ground-root herb cocktail Sosa had been ingesting twice weekly was literally causing him to disappear.

A week after the interview, the only thing left of Sosa was a moderate pile of fine powder.

Sosa’s wife Sonia would not address the speculations that the slugger’s ashes were to be stored in either a syringe or a hollowed-out bat.

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