College Football And The Women We Love

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(Aaron Torres is a journalist whose work has been featured by Sports Illustrated Online and syndicated by USA Today and AOL.com. To read all of Aaron's work, including this article in it's entirety , please visit him at www.aarontorres-sports.com )

It was right around this time last year that I hit a professional low, struggling with where my career was headed. At the time, I was doing a lot of writing, for very little money, and even less recognition.

One day I decided, “You know what, screw it,” and decided to sit down and write something original, just for me and buddies to enjoy, and get a kick out of. What I came up with was, “College Football And The Women We Love .” It was part my love for college football, and another part an ode to every woman my friends and I had ever dealt with, whether she was beautiful and sensible, or crazier than Dennis Rodman on hallucinogens.

Was it a little cruel? Maybe. Offensive? If you took it too seriously. But one day after I published it, I had an inbox full of congratulatory e-mails, and it was the first time in awhile that I said to myself, “You know, I really do enjoy writing.”

After the positive response, I even decided to forward it to someone I knew, someone that was a prominent editor at a major media company. I figured that maybe if it got in the right hands, it could get beyond just my friends reach, and to a bigger audience.

Finally after three days, I got an e-mail back. As I eagerly opened it, the response wasn’t quite what I was expected. Know what it said? (And I’m quoting):

“Wow, another article comparing women to sports. Not only is it shallow, but quite honestly I didn’t laugh once. Here’s an idea, do something original.”

And you know what, he was probably right. But screw him. It’s a shame he lost his sense of humor somewhere in the mid-'90s, and that his wife left him for someone with a $50,000 sports car and country club membership, it really is. But as the famous Billy Madison once said, “A simple no would have been fine.”

I was OK with it though. Mostly because my friends—whose sole purpose in life is to tell me how much I suck at everything (mostly writing and fantasy sports)—liked it.

But anyway, with baseball season done, and college football wrapping another year, I decided to brush off the column, and do the 2009 edition of “College Football and the Women We Love.”

Please, enjoy, and please, please don’t take it too seriously. Besides, to all the ladies out there who might get offended, remember, you’re the reason we men get up in the morning. Well you, and NFL anyway.

And finally, if you’re the editor who told me how much I sucked last year, I hope you enjoy it too. No hard feelings. And enjoy your Cheerios for dinner tonight as well.

Navy: The Fun Girl:

All right, so you knew the first time you met her that the she wasn’t marriage material (just like Navy isn’t championship material). Looking at her, she really isn’t that pretty, and could use a trip to the tanning bed. But while you’d never introduce her to your friends, you can’t help calling her when you’re bored. She laughs at all your jokes, likes How I Met Your Mother as much as you do, and nobody runs the fullback dive better. Sure at some point the ride is going to end (and it might even be ugly), but enjoy her for now. Because anyone who can beat Charlie Weis twice in three years is worth keeping around, isn’t she?

Arizona: The Hot Foreign Exchange Student

She’s from a different country, has an accent that’s totally unintelligible and only has one loss in the Pac-10. Nobody is really talking to her, or talking about her yet, but I’m telling you, make your move. Sure you can barely understand a word she says, but get her phone number before it’s too late (make sure she includes the country code just in case). Because if you wait even just a few more days, Kirk Herbstreit, Todd McShay, and all the other good-looking guys are going to realize how cute she is, and steal her away from you. Sure that’ll probably happen anyway, but why chance it? Especially with a trip to the Rose Bowl on the line.

Georgia: The Crazy Girl

There’s no two ways about it: She’s loud, smokes cigarettes, and you’re pretty sure the last time you saw her she was wearing an ankle bracelet. All your friends know her a little too well (if you know what I’m saying), and she hasn’t covered as a home favorite since September. Maybe it’s the back tattoo or the performance against Arkansas, you’re not sure why, but for some reason, you just, can’t, stop, thinking about her.

Honestly, for your own sake though, get out now, OK? The drama isn’t worth it. She’s a mess when she drinks. And a second straight loss to Georgia Tech seems to be looming.

Sure her lip ring is hot, but you don’t want to be around for all that drama, do you?

Miami (FL): The Girl Who’s Gotten her Life Back Together

At this time last year, I compared Miami to the girl straight out of rehab: sure she meant well, but you never knew when she’d be using her one phone call to ask you for bail money (at the time a huge win over Texas A&M, followed by losing to North Carolina).

Well it’s been almost a year, and she’s officially proved herself to be a keeper. She’s been off the wagon for awhile now (or is it “on the wagon,” I’m confused), and for the first time in years her eyes aren’t bloodshot and she’s even added a vertical passing game to her repertoire. Plus if you get with her now, she’ll be thankful. She knows 2006-2008 weren’t her best years, but she’s ready to put them behind her and start fresh. You should be too.

Alabama: The Steady Girlfriend

Sure when you’ve got to stay in on Friday night’s to watch Ghost Whisperer all your friends make fun of you, but we all know that you’ve got a good thing. She’s cute, makes a killer tuna casserole and has an unreal pass rush.

Maybe on any given day she might not be as pretty as the other girls, but remember, you can trust her and you know she’ll never let you down (or lose to an unranked team). Stick with her even when things aren’t looking great.

You might even get a free trip to Pasadena in January out of it.

(To read the remainder of this article , please visit Aaron at www.aarontorres-sports.com . And if you have any football or dating horror stories, please feel free to share or e-mail Aaron at ATorres00@gmail.com )

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