Bleacher Report Goes Down, Workplace Production Increases Forty Percent

It was a dark day for many B/R users. See why.

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Humor

June 10, 2008

Earlier today, the world's best open resource for sports discussion and information experienced server problems, causing the website known as "The Bleacher Report" to be inaccessible to many users. As a result, there was a surge in productivity in workplaces around the country. Some businesses discovered an increase of at least forty percent in their daily output, when compared to a normal workday.

Some frequent contributors to the site were surprised by how much work they could accomplish when they were able to concentrate on what they were doing at the office, and not on what would happen to Cedric Benson now that the Chicago Bears have cut the troubled back.

"It was very liberating," said Elbow Murderpants, writer and commentator on the site. "I must have caught up on every e-mail correspondence I've gotten since last March, and I completed at least nine spreadsheets that were just lying around."

"I guess I didn't realize how much time I was actually wasting on B/R," agreed Greg Adams. "I painted the house, panelled the basement and gave both cars an oil change. It's amazing what you can do when you're not busy typing up the next hilarious article in the Adams arsenal."

Other writers were not so happy. John Fennelly, a major contributor to the site and a top writer, was reportedly seen spray-painting his rantings about Big Brown and some former boxers on a brick wall outside a Chick-Fil-A near the interstate.

Joe Willet was said to be calling the Bleacher Report phones every three minutes trying to find out what was happening and if he could get a bagel to go.

Although the cause of the outage is not known for sure, Bryan Goldberg, the site's technical director, had some ideas.

"Someone spilled their Five Hour Energy drink on the mainframe, and then tried to dry it up with non-dairy coffee creamer. I'm not going to mention any names, but I'm pretty sure it was Zander. It's a good thing I'm making six figures or I would have quit a long time ago."

But all is well, once again. Bleacher Report is running strong and most users are pleased.

And all businesses will suffer.

Humor

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comments (17) write a comment »

reply to comment by Greg
2 months ago

HILARIOUS! By the way, Jim, I also asked a lot of existential questions. Fortunately, the B/R tech issues were fixed before I came up with any solid answers. Unfortunately, the panels in the basement have already fallen down--guess I won't use Elmer's Wood Glue on a project of that magnitude next time.
reply to comment by Matthew
2 months ago

Sorry I dropped the ball on work production, didn't get anything done, just sat here hitting the refresh button every 30 seconds, while watching reruns of The Office.
1. by Andrew
  from 2 months ago
  
  Lol, exactly. When BR is unavailable, I just sit there hitting F5 or the refresh button.
reply to comment by Bryan
2 months ago

Hey guys! Yeah, this was unfortunate for everyone, except the US Economy.

We've been very fortunate to date, as we have experienced very little down time in recent months compared to many other large-scale sites, but it's going to happen now and then. Luckily our team fixed it quite quickly.

Let's hope that this doesnt happen again!
reply to comment by Zander
2 months ago

Nice piece Jim...way to make light of a super chaotic morning! =)

OK: the site is back up now, so everybody can stop working again and resume standard Bleacher Report activities.

Z
reply to comment by Zander
2 months ago

Oh and by the way: I don't even like energy drinks, so nobody better blame this on me!
1. by Jim
  from 2 months ago
  
  Yeah, but how was the coffee? ;)
2. by Zander
  from 2 months ago
  
  I don't like coffee either! I'm a vitamin water/budweiser kinda guy...
  
  Thanks again Jim for the comic relief, keep it coming =)
3. by Greg
  from 2 months ago
  
  Z- you drink VitaminWater. Dude, that stuff turned LeBron James into a lawyer...you better watch out!
4. by Jim
  from 2 months ago
  
  Zander, thanks for having a sense of humor. And seriously, thanks for this fantastic web site on which you and the guys work so hard to keep running.
  
  And Greg, LeBron was only a lawyer on tv. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT have LeBron represent you in your upcoming indecent exposure case. It already promises to go badly.
  
  ;)
5. by Greg
  from 2 months ago
  
  My understanding is that LeBron's only licensed in Ohio--I got Jackie Childs to represent me in the indecent exposure case.
6. by Matthew
  from 2 months ago
  
  Forget the VitaminWater, somebody get Zander a beer, but not you Greg, I know that you only have a beach ball...
reply to comment by Ben
2 months ago

Ha, can't lie, I am on B/R at work on occasions! Gotta love it!
reply to comment by Joe
2 months ago

Just an update, I got that bagel.
reply to comment by Alan
2 months ago

hilarious, greg!! i loved it!
1. by Jim
  from 2 months ago
  
  Thanks, Alan. But you can call me Jim again.
  
  (I was only going by "Greg" until the heat from my ill-advised humorous article on Kimbo Slice went away.)
2. by Greg
  from 2 months ago
  
  What's the heat thing, anyway? Maybe THAT'S your hot coffee, Jim.