THE TEAM: Exit Interviews

(Two weeks ago in Dave Dombrowski's office...)


DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Well, Jim, I think having these exit interviews with the players this year was a great idea. We’ve had a chance to go over the positives and negatives from the season, as well as letting the players know what we expect them to work on in the offseason and into spring training. Where did you come up with this idea again?


JIM LEYLAND: (puffs cigarette) Iwasdrunk. (cough)

DOMBROWSKI: Yes, well, wherever the idea came from, I think it has gone splendidly. We only have a few players to go. (into intercom) Rachel, can you send in the next player, please?

(door opens)


CARLOS GUILLEN: (slides to chair, waits 30 seconds, sits in chair) Hey, guys. I think I just sprained my ankle…

DOMBROWSKI: Hello, Carlos. Funny you should mention that. Overall, we still think you are capable of being the kind of player that we are paying you to be. But what can we do to keep you healthy?

GUILLEN: Play me every day. And I don’t want to DH. And I want to play shortstop.

LEYLAND: (cough, cough) Jesusfuc…

DOMBROWSKI: Ahem! Carlos, how can we play you every day when you are constantly on the disabled list? We were actually thinking the opposite. Perhaps a couple days off a week, some extended DH time…things like that. We really need a full, healthy season out of you, especially with Placido, most likely, moving on.

GUILLEN: I want to play every day. I’m sick of changing positons. (raises finger) I want (finger snaps) OWW! (gritting teeth) I can’t perform well if I’m not in the lineup every day.

LEYLAND: Listen (cough) youdumbsonofabi…

DOMBROWSKI: Okay! Let’s make a deal, Carlos. You work on staying healthy and we’ll make a commitment, right now, to you being our everyday left fielder next season. Agreed?

GUILLEN: Si. Gracias.

(leaves)

(trips and falls in hallway)

LEYLAND: (lights cigarette) Areyououttayour (hack) frigginmind?

DOMBROWSKI: I just want the players to leave these meetings on a positive note, Jim. (into intercom) Rachel! Next player, please!

(door opens)


JUSTIN VERLANDER: (glares menacingly at Leyland and Dombrowski)

DOMBROWSKI: Hey, Justin. Thanks for coming in. Great season, by the way. I’m sure we’ll have no trouble coming together on a deal and avoiding arbitration this year. Don’t you agree?

VERLANDER: (glares straight ahead)

DOMBROWSKI: Um, yeah. Now one concern we have is your pitch counts. We need to work on making you more efficient. We can’t keep having you approaching 100 pitches in the sixth inning every night. Can we agree on that?

VERLANDER: (begins sharpening knives)

LEYLAND: (cough) GreatjobJustin. You’re (hack) excused.

(Verlander leaves saying nothing. Stares at Rachel for five minutes while sharpening knives on way out.)

LEYLAND: Youtryingtogetuskilled? (cough)

DOMBROWSKI: Sorry. We need to get him some help. (into intercom) Rachel! Next player, please.

(door opens)

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