The NFL's Worst Teams On Veterans Day: What If They Were War Movies?

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Happy veterans day to all vets living and dead!

NFL coaches, back when they had personalites, and had yet to evolve into boring bots, many times took on the persona of military leaders.

Some were petty tyrants, some were Pattons, and some, like Mike Ditka, were a bit like General Jack D Ripper.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1KvgtEnABY

But coaches today have mostly become boring media zombies spitting simple sound bite after sound bite week after week.

I mean isn't it exciting to listen to Lovie Smith talk football?

Where have you gone John McKay and Abe Gibron? Coaches in need of a personality injection turned their glazed eyes towards you.

But if the coach as football field general is gone the bad team as war movie mojo remains.

As a salute shall we look at what war films best describe the NFL teams that are in a state of decline.

As Pike Bishop said Let's Go!

The Cleveland Browns- The Caine Mutiny

[Discussing Captain Queeg's sanity]
Lieutenant Tom Keefer :Will you look at the man? He's a Freudian delight; he crawls with clues!

The semi sane Captain Queeg was one of Humphery Bogart's best roles. And there might be more then a little Captain Queeg in Mangini.

Doesn't this announcement sound like Mangini like.

Captain Queeg: This is the captain speaking. Some misguided sailors on this ship still think they can pull a fast one on me. Well, they're very much mistaken. Since you've taken this course, the innocent will be punished with the guilty. There will be no liberty for any member of this crew for three months. I will not be made a fool of! Do you hear me?

The Browns are filled with secrets and strawberries?

Captain Queeg: Ahh, but the strawberries that's... that's where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt and with... geometric logic... that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox DID exist, and I'd have produced that key if they hadn't of pulled the Caine out of action. I, I, I know now they were only trying to protect some fellow officers

And this could be a Cleveland season ending press release.

: "There is no escape from the Caine, save death. We're all doing penance, sentenced to an outcast ship, manned by outcasts, and named after the greatest outcast of them all."

Check out a Mangini press conference.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zgeQmzV9kk

The Oakland Raiders- Downfall

Al Davis decisions seem delusional and, occasionally demented. No one is able to offer him any advice on how to fix his ship of state. 

Al feels alone with enemies closing in and plots all abound around.

Who does that remind you of?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMgS74F6k6Q

Tom Cable can probably even fit into Goering's coats.

Though, if Tom Cable shaved his head and gave a mad press conference about those who want to terminate his command, he could pass for Colonel Kurtz from Apocalypse Now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BqloFdNq2Y

The Washington Redskins- The Little Dictator

Charlie Chaplin would have made a great Daniel Snyder movie.

And what better describes Danny then The Little Dictator?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f71xyDyCs0A&feature=related

Is this Snyder in his luxury box?

The Redskins are a creepy double feature type team so why not two flicks?

Jim Zorn should screen The Last Command. Its a tale of the fall of the Alamo and, alas, the Skins might also be Zorn's last command.

Though Sterling Hayden sure had more of a commanding game day presence then Zorn does and Sherman Lewis could not play Colonel Crockett quite like Arthur Hunnicutt did.

Still Deguello is in the air of D.C.

And when Jim Bowie lost his play calling duties he took off the headset.

St Louis Rams - The Alamo

Every week surrounded, outnumbered, out played, and massacred it does not look like life is going to get any easier in Ram land.

Unlike Travis, Crockett, Bowie and the boys the Rams might jump at the chance of a retreat and opt to retire to Los Angeles.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Pearl Harbor

Pearl Harbor was one of the worst war movies ever made and that's before Ben Affleck shows up as rakish Captain Rafe.

Even the fine behind of Kate Beckinsale can't save a flick when Alex Baldwin is lumbering around as a pot bellied, scene hogging General Doolittle.

Pearl Harbor was an expensive mess of a movie that was almost as bad as the Buccaneers.

But the Buccaneers, like the Pearl movie are a mess, a flop, a failure, a fubar.

When Mister Murphy said things can always get worse and they will he must of have envisioned Ben Affleck entering a movie.

The Bucs are bad but at least Captain Rafe isn't on the team bus.

Not yet anyway.

Kansas City Chiefs- Bridge on the River Kwai

Watching the Kansas City Chiefs play makes fans feel like that are trapped in a POW camp building a bridge to nowhere.

And when Coach Todd Haley screams on the sidelines he has a bit of the old Colonel Saito charm.

Can the Chief fans do the Colonel Bogey March as they go watch yet another Kansas City massacre?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzWRlTgEB5Q

The Detroit Lions-They Died With Their Boots On

General Custer was raised in Michigan. Lucky for him he missed watching the Lions.

Custer in this clip seems like a Lion quarterback under pressure in the pocket.

Actually the Lions seem like they often use Custer's Little Big Horn playbook to game plan with.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JA4biG8_0y4&feature=PlayList&p=D21F074282FDDD18&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=34

Maybe the Lions should play Garryowen as they take the field?

Let Bacchus' sons be not dismayed

But join with me, each jovial blade

Come, drink and sing and lend your aid

To help me with the chorus:

Instead of spa, we'll drink brown ale

And pay the reckoning on the nail;

No man for debt shall go to jail

From Garryowen in glory.

Cheers!

 Happy Veterans Day.

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