As you can already guess from the title of this article, I am a fan of the New York Yankees. And because I am a fan of the Bronx Bombers, I am inclined to ask any non-Yankee fans this question:
"And how was YOUR Wednesday night?"
Mine was AWESOME and thank you for asking!
So many Yankee fans are writing about how elated they are that their team clinched their 27th World Title. I have decided to write directly to Yankee fans. This is for you.
Now that we've won, now is the time to rub it in. Now is the time to go for the jugular. Now is the time to make your Yankee-hating friends really question the sanity of having you as a friend.
You know you want to.
This moment is nine years in the making. And I know you've had to endure through the countless teasing because I sure as hell have had to.
Now is the time we strike back.
I've compiled a list of the 27 different ways you can really piss your Yankee-hating friends off. And yes, the number 27 is not a coincidence. Feel free to use these one-liners and practical jokes. But in an effort to protect myself from litigation I must say the following:
"This list is for entertainment purposes only. Keith Smooth cannot be held liable for whatever tragedy may occur in the aftermath of these cruel suggestions."
Let's count em down shall we?
27. When you first see your Yankee-hating friend cheerfully say this to him:
"You know what I'm dying to hear? I want to hear some A-Rod jokes! Those never get old! C'mon! What you got for me? Let's hear it!
26. This works best if you're at work. Every time your buddy walks past your office cubicle, jump up from your seat, and yell out: "HIP HIP JORGE! HIP HIP JORGE!" Do this until he's ready to punch you.
25. Spray him with a bottle of champagne so he can feel like a winner.
24. Go to the store. Buy a Klondike bar. Cut out a picture of George Steinbrenner. Tape it to the Klondike bar. Give it your friend (who has been teasing you for years) and say this:
"Revenge is a dish best served cold."
23. Again if you're at work, play Queen's We Are The Champions and LOUDLY sing along.
22. When they (inevitably) start whining about the Yankees "buying a championship", kindly say this:
"You WISH your team could spend money like the Yankees. You're too proud and too delusional to admit it. But you know it's true."
21. Go to your basement, pull out your old Sony walkman from 1996, then give it to your buddy. Then say this:
"You can have this. I'll keep Hideki Matsui. At this point he's the much more valuable Japanese import."
20. Say this (with dead seriousness):
"You've heard of that TNT show The Closer? Well I just heard that they 're going to replace Kyra Sedgwick with Mariano Rivera!"
19. If you're at your friend's house, wait until he leaves the living room, and set his DVR to record the Yankees victory parade over his favorite show NCIS:Los Angeles.
18. Tell his girlfriend that she is so pretty that Derek Jeter would most definitely have a one-night stand with her!
17. On his birthday buy him a cake that says Happy 27th World Series!
16. Constantly (and loudly) reread the sports page of the New York Times. Again, this works great if he's a coworker who's stuck in the cubicle beside you.
15. Speaking of the sports pages, print out every Yankee World Series-winning story from the internet, and tape them to the window of his car. He will REALLY love that!
14. When he starts complaining about "all those Yankee cheaters" politely offer him a mint and tell him that it should help get rid of that bitter aftertaste.
13. Smash him in the face with a shaving cream pie and tell him that's what he gets for talking bad about A.J. Burnett.
12. If you're the best man in his wedding, show up on his wedding day wearing a Yankee hat.
11. If he's a Republican tell him that Glenn Beck thinks that rooting against the Yankees is un-American and it makes you a Socialist, a Communist, and a Nazi.
If he's a Democrat say this:
"The Yankees won their last nine titles with a Democrat in the White House. Aren't you just delighted that you voted for Obama?"
10. If he's a Phillies fan say this:
"Since Jimmy Rollins is Nostradamus, ask him to predict how long it will take for him to remove his foot from his mouth?"
9. If he's a Cubs fan say this:
"Roses are Red, Violets are blue. The Cubs will win the World Series in 2052!"
8. If he's a Minnesota Twins fan say this:
"Bud Selig just instituted instant replay. And upon further review, the Minnesota Twins still SUCK!"
7. If he's an Angels fan say this:
"Why don't you go home and spank your rally monkey. It'll make you feel better."
6. If he's a Tigers fan say this:
"When the Yanks went back to the clubhouse to celebrate they realized that all of their champagne was gone because Miguel Cabrera drunk it all."
5. If he's a Red Sox fan say this:
"Johnny Damon just said that last night was the single biggest moment of his career."
4. If he's a Met fan say this:
"You keep calling the Yankees the Evil Empire. That joke is so 1986. Which reminds me, when was the last time you guys won a World Series?"
3. Take his cellphone when he's not looking and program it so that every time it rings, he's greeted by the voice of Suzyn Walderman screaming, "YANKEES WIN! YANKEES WIN! OH MY GOD, YANKEES WIN!"
2. Wait until he's asleep from a drunken stupor on his couch, go into his bedroom, and spray whip cream on his bed in the form of the Yankee logo.
1. If this is a coworker we're talking about, wait until he goes to lunch, call your buddy from the I.T. department and tell him of your nefarious plan. An hour later when your Yankee-hating buddy returns from his break, he'll be horrified to discover that his brand new screensaver is of Mark Teixeira's head on the body of a half naked Chippendale model.
The sound of his screaming will be music to your ears.