How Hank Steinbrenner Stole October

Every fan
who loved baseball
liked the fall classic a lot…

But Hank,
In his navy blue pinstripes,
did not!

Hank hated baseball! The Whole baseball season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be he was mad, about steroid bans,
It could be the Red Sox and the Fenway Park stands.
But I think that the problem, tangled up in his wig
May have been that his wallet was just too damn big.

But,
Whatever the reason,
The Sox or the bans,
He stood there in October, hating the Fans,
Staring down from his sofa with a sour, Steinbrenner contort,
At the MLB network, nighttime baseball report.
For he knew that upon every Fan, and on every fan’s head,
Was resting those colors, that Phils white and red.

“And now they’re setting they’re TiVo’s!” He snarled with a sneer.
“Tomorrow’s the Series! It’s practically here!”
Then he growled, with his Owner mind nervously spinning,
“I MUST find some way to stop the Phillies from winning!”

For,
Tomorrow, he knew…
…All the fans of the Phils
Would tune into the game. They’d anticipate thrills!
And then! Oh, the fun! Oh, the Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
That’s the one thing he hated, The FUN! FUN! FUN! FUN!

Then the Fans young and old, would be ready to cheer.
And they’d cheer! And they’d cheer!
And they’d CHEER! CHEER! CHEER! CHEER!
They would cheer for Utley, Rollins and Howard,
But Hank wouldn’t pitch to the latter, because Hank was a coward.

And THEN
The Fan’s would do something
Hank liked least of all!
Every fan at the game, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, and with Phillies bats slapping,
They’d stand hand-in-hand. And the Fans would start clapping!

They’d clap! And they’d clap!
AND they’d CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!
And the more that Hank thought of this Philly fan clap,
The more that Hank thought “I will win this crap!
“Why for fifty-two years I’ve put up with it now!
“I must stop the Phillies from winning!
…But HOW?”

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
STEINBRENNER
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

“I know just what to do!” Hank laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Charlie Manuel hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “It’s like a Yankee round tripper!
“Which our players will hit, now that I look like the Phil’s skipper!”

“All I need is to lose about 100 pounds…”
Hank looked around.
But, aside from a treadmill, there was no help to be found.
Did that stop old Hank…?
No! Steinbrenner said,
“If I can’t lose all that weight, I’ll just hide it instead!”
So he went out and bought a jersey from Omar Vizquel
And squeezed in his great girth, concealing it well.

THEN
He found his pencil, playbook
And a big burlap sack
Then he called up his limo,
And hopped in the back.

Then Hank barked “Let’s Go!!”
And the car started south,
Toward the lockers where the Phillies
Warmed up in their clubhouse.

All the showers were empty. All the lineup cards bare.
All the Phillies were dreaming sweet dreams without care,
When he got to the locker and smelled must in the air.
“This is stop number one,” old Hank Manuel hissed
And he opened the locker, playbook in his fist.

Then he slid his arm in, and gave the drawer a yank.
For, if Charlie could do it, then so could old Hank.
He was confused for a second, but thought not to abort.
And after a while, found the scouting report.
On this were the pitches CC would throw to Pedro Feliz.
“I’ll change fastball to curveball, he won’t hit one of these!”

Then he slithered and slunk, in his locker room raid,
He emptied the coolers, drank the Gatorade!
Helmets! And gloves! Balls! Bats!
Cleats! Lucky pennies! Protein shakes! And hats!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then Hank let loose a grin,
He put broken equipment where the nice stuff had been!

And Hank grabbed the bags and he opened the door
When he heard a small sound, like the grunt of a boar.
He turned around fast, and what did he see?
Jimmy Rollins had come to the lockers to pee.

Hank had been caught by this smallest of Phillies,
Who stumbled along, two and fro, willy nilly.
He stared at Hank and said, “Charlie Manuel, why,
“Why are you taking our baseball stuff? WHY?”

But you know, that old Hank was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
“Why my favorite shortstop,” the fake Manuel lied,
“The baseballs in this bag need new cowhide.
“So I’m taking them back to my office, you see.
“So tomorrow your stuff will be high quality.”

“And his fib fooled Rollins, who was drunk from that night,
And Hank had no trouble evading his plight!

Then back to his mansion! He hastily went,
To watch on TV, the next day’s event.

So in tuned Steinbrenner to the game the next day,
Excited to see how badly the Phillies would play.
So he watched and he waited, and the ump said “Play Ball!”
But the Phillies fans were all happy, the tall and the small.

The Phillies won the game behind their ace pitcher Cliff Lee,
And all Steinbrenner learned to do better was to rig the next three.