Giving The Freep's Jamie Samuelsen What He Loves

Just when I thought I was out of things to make fun of...here comes Jamie Samuelsen again.

From the Tigers--top-free-agent-to-re-sign&template=fullarticle">Freep...

Oddly, Brandon Lyon is Tigers' top free agent to re-sign

Oddly, Samuelsen is still (I assume) paid to write about the Tigers.

The Tigers obviously don’t have a lot of money to spend, so which one of these four free agents is most necessary to re-sign: Placido Polanco, Fernando Rodney, Brandon Lyon or Adam Everett?

Dude, you already gave us your answer in the headline. But since you asked, I'm going with none of the above. None are necessary. But Lyon and Polanco would be cool with me. Especially, Polanco.

Welcome to the portion of the blog where I praise Placido Polanco and call him one of the most important Tigers of the last five years.

Thank you. You are too kind. Now, in turn, let me welcome you to the portion of my blog where I agree with you for the first time ever, I believe. I love Polly as much as I can possibly love a multi-millionaire with a deformed head, from Santo Domingo, that I've never met.

Then I suggest that maybe his best years are behind him and that the Tigers would be wise not to invest too much money in an aging second baseman.

I'm still with you. Though, I have a feeling that you're about to turn into a sarcastic prick.

Then you, my loyal readers, will crush my e-mail box telling me what a moron I am. I love it.

Really? You love it? May I now ask all nine of my readers to please flood Mr. Samuelsoen's e-mail box with hate mail? He loves it, you know. Come up with an interesting way of telling him to kill himself. Like walking into a spinning helecoptor blade. He loves it.

He's like Drew Sharp...without the readers.

Yes, I am passing on Polanco. Love the guy.

As much as you love being called a moron? I hope your testicles somehow end up in a wood chipper.

He’s a huge reason the Tigers are where they are,

Playing golf?

and at the end of the this season, he was one of their most consistent hitters (even if Jim Leyland did bench him in a clinching game).

Take THAT, Mumbles McMarlboro! I thought Samuelsen usually defended Leyland. Didn't get enough hate mail that way? He loves it, you know.

But with money committed to players like Magglio Ordonez, Nate Robertson, Jeremy Bonderman and Dontrelle Willis, the Tigers simply can’t afford to commit to another player who won’t be able to live up to the terms of his deal.

Magglio beat the hell out of the ball the second half once his personal problems were behind him. Overpaid, still? Sure. But his option for 2010 kicked in because he LIVED UP TO THE TERMS OF HIS DEAL.

Nate sucks, sure. But he showed late in the season that he can still be effective at times. Bondo? Turned 27 yesterday. (Happy Birthday, Jeremy!) Let's not shovel dirt on him until we see him fully recovered from surgery, shall we? Dontrelle...I've got nothing there.

Point is, there are no "terms" on any of their deals. Unlike the NFL, there's nothing we can do about their stupid contracts now. Are they overpaid? Sure. Useless? Other than Willis, not quite. That's your gimmick, Jamie. Proceed.

And at this point, at the age of 34 with almost 1,500 games under his belt, he won’t be able to live up to it. We’ve seen his range on the decline. So if he can’t play second, where do you put him?

Polanco can't play second anymore? Are you fist-f'ing me, Jamie? The guy won the Gold Glove just two years ago breaking the record for errorless games. And sure, I'll agree with you that his range isn't what it once was. But to say that the man isn't capable of playing second base anymore is the dumbest thing I've heard since "Porcello is done and Zach Miner is coming into the game."

Plenty of great second basemen have moved to first after their range disappeared. Joe Morgan, Jeff Kent and Robbie Alomar all shifted around the infield when they couldn’t get those balls up the middle (like the one Polanco couldn’t get that would have WON THE DIVISION!).

You're right! It's all Mr. Potato Head's fault! He's a witch! Burn him!

Did Alomar really ever leave second base? I did black out in the late 90's, but still...

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