Danny's Disaster: How One Man Has Ruined A Franchise

(Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images)

I am in an abusive relationship and I can’t get out.

I’ve been in bad ones before, but nothing can compare to this.

A man is ruining my life.

And I never even asked him to go steady with me.

Growing up I was utterly in love. And the object of that affection was, of course, the Washington Redskins. And they were beautiful, hot champions.

They sucked me in early. Born in the middle of the ’83 season, I stared out of my crib at the TV every Sunday, watching as the ‘Skins won 12 of their last 13, storming toward the Super Bowl. They lost that year, to Oakland; but four years later, they were back and won the whole thing. And then four years after that, they did it again. Naturally, I assumed that good times were always gonna roll.

But then, one day, out of nowhere, this four-foot tall man barged into my life. A man so short and petulant that scholars now refer to Napoleon as having “Snyder Complex.”

And since he’s taken over the team, it’s been shambles. People see it now, but I don’t think they realize how bad it’s actually been. The numbers are startling.

Danny has hired three offensive gurus in his span. These were all men he wanted, all offensive masterminds: Steve and Joe and Jim. Have you seen the hell they hath wrought?

In the Redskins’ first 67 years of football, only twice did they finish worse than 21^st in the league in total offense. But since Danny’s grabbed those reigns, six of the past ten years they’ve finished 22nd or higher. And that’s doesn’t include this year’s team, which is currently hovering around 28^th.

And that might not be the most indicting statistic. Since Danny-Day (April 26^th, 1999) The Redskins have scored 40 points or more in four games. Yes you heard that correctly. In a decade the Redskins have topped forty points four times. Or once every two and a half year. Just so you know, the New Orleans Saints have done it four times this year.

But that’s giving Danny too much credit. Two of those times came in 1999, the only offseason he didn’t have the chance to flush $50 million down the toilet.  That was Norv Turner’s second to last season with the team. Yup, the man Dan canned was only the best offensive coach he’s ever had.  

Now, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a Norv fan, but if you win your division one year, there’s no way you should be fired when your 7-6 the following season. But winning was exactly why he got fired. Danny was afraid that if Norv had another successful year, he couldn’t fire him in the offseason. And Dan wanted to that, so he could bring in his own coach. And then bring in his own coach. And then bring in his own coach. And now, he has his own coach again.  

How’s that working out for ya boss?

Dan’s always been too impetuous, and I finally lauded him for doing the calm, rational thing this offseason ($100 million to Albert Haynesworth aside) by keeping Jim Zorn despite last season’s collapse.

But that hasn't worked out so far.

But fine, whatever. Losses happen. That’s okay. I was willing to let all the pain go, to just forget the first six games ever happened. I was willing to forgive the Bingo jokes and the management castration of Zorn and everything else so long as Washington could beat Philadelphia last night.

You know what, screw that. I didn’t even need us to beat the Eagles. I just needed the ‘Skins to look somewhat like a real football team. Everyone across the country had been hearing what a disaster we were over the past few weeks, and on Monday Night Football, I just hoped we could do enough to prove we weren’t the laughingstock of the league.

My bad.

It started out promising. Not the game, but at least my night did. I had some friends over. We spent a good two hours before the game cooking up a storm. Things were looking great. We even had a cheese plate.

One of my friends got me even more riled up.

“Maybe this will be like the opposite of last year. We started strong and then got blown out by the Steelers on Monday night. This year we’ve started bad, but we’ll blow out the Eagles and things will change.”

God he had me dreaming. I was thinking wistfully of wins, when, slicing our main course moments after kickoff, I heard a groan. Touchdown, DeSean Jackson.

Have you heard of him? If you have, please tell Vinny Cerrato who he is, because Jackson was still on the board when savvy old Vinny plucked up Fred Davis and Devin Thomas.

Those two wonders, well their careers have gotten off to such a bad start that at halftime, I saw their stats and proclaimed this the best game the pair had ever put together. And this was with the Redskins losing 27-10. By the end of the game, each had caught a TD. That gave them a combined three for their career.

DeSean Jackson had two. In the game

And don’t get me started on Malcolm Kelly, I’m not even sure he exists anymore. His reception totals the past five games: 1, 0, 1, 0, 0. That’s not a wide receiver. That’s binary code.

You may argue that it’s hard for a receiver to produce on their own, but a crack talent scout should be able to find the one that can. DeSean certainly can. He used pure speed to score on a 67-yard end-around. Devin Thomas can’t. He’s rushed for 55 yards in his career.

And it’s just not those guys. We botched three snaps. Our offensive line couldn’t block a handicapped kid. Our 6’5” passer couldn’t throw balls over the line of scrimmage.

It’s time to pack it in. I thought Jay-Z and Jay-C deserved this entire year to get it together, but it’s clear they can’t.

And it’s obvious why not.

During the offseason, the Redskins made a massive overture for Jay Cutler. I didn’t want him. When a quarterback reacts to a trade rumor like a high school girl reacts to getting cheated on, I don’t think he should captain my team. But I guess I’m not as smart as Danny and Vinny (Dinny?).

Of course they wanted him. So they offered a bounty of picks, better even than what the Bears offered. But Josh McDaniel (You’ve heard of him. Danny hasn’t though, Danny’s never seen 6-0) thought Kyle Orton was a better quarterback than Jason Campbell, so he swung the deal with Chicago. And they’ve been storming the league ever since.

Now, for all of in Redskins Land that don’t realize what McDaniels did there, it’s okay, we haven’t seen it here in a while. It’s is the ability to properly evaluate talent.

Wild, crazy. I know.

So yes, the current hottest coach in the league, the coordinator behind the greatest offense ever (the ‘07 Patriots) did not think he could win with Jason Campbell.

So what reason is there to believe the Z-man can?

But he’s not to blame. It’s the man who hired him. You know, the man who couldn’t find a head coach because no one wanted to work for him?

Yes, Danny, this is your fault and no one else’s.

You have utterly destroyed everything that was once sacred about the Redskins.

Which brings me back to my point about relationships. When you’re in a bad one, there’s always an out. You can always break it off. Especially when the other person is acting without regard for your well-being and treating you like crap.

But Danny, he’s doing this to me and you, and we have no recourse. Part of me wants to call up the police and try to charge him with felony domestic violence.

Because what he’s done to this team is worse than just a slap in the face.

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