TACKLING SCHOOL FOR DUMMIES AND OTHER SPECIAL EDUCATION NEEDS
Probably the most unusual statistic from week seven’s play, for me at least, was that only ONE game in the entire schedule was decided by less than seven points, (Houston-San Francisco). All other games had a margin of victory greater than seven points. The last time that only one game was decided by less than seven points was in week four of the 2007 season, over two full seasons ago.
Part of the reason for the lopsided scores, of course, stemmed from a rash of good teams playing bad teams (think Indianapolis and St. Louis), but it all also resulted from some horrific tackling and forgettable play from otherwise decent teams who happen to have some special education players on their rosters. These are players who need to a) attend a tackling school for dummies b) attend a special education course in order to learn how to catch, or c) get a day job.
Among the most needy for special assistance and training:
1) Ted Ginn, Miami Dolphins, wide receiver: Now that Patrick Cobbs is out for the year, and Ginn has been asked to return punts and kickoffs, he has forgotten how to catch. Ted, you’re special ed.(Fantasy players beware: a reduced workload coming Ginn’s way for sure.) Those dropped passes yesterday against New Orleans showed us that your workload is just too heavy. Maybe that Nike school where Troy Williamson went to learn how to see the ball can help you.
2) Minnesota Vikings, offensive unit: Watching the Steelers Lamarr Woodley and Keyaran Fox lumbering in slow motion down the entire length of the field, I could not figure out what the Vikings offensive players running alongside were trying to do. Did they each have a Coolpix camera stashed in their helmets and were trying to get a picture? Whatever it was, tackling school for dummies offers a great program on how to stop 280 pounders slogging along on an 80 yard run.
3) Gibril Wilson, Miami, safety: Watching Jeremy Shockey pound his way down field for forty yards with you trying to bring him down, was like watching Granny Clampett trying to tackle Jethro. Next time, use the horse collar and take the penalty and the fine. It will save the Fins a ton of yards and embarrassment. Tackling school for dummies coming your way.
4) Chris Chambers, San Diego, wide receiver: Who would have thought that you would become a special education candidate at the receiver position? You have eight catches for barely 100 yards in six games. How many balls did you drop just yesterday, let alone the rest of the season? Your fantasy value must be nearly zip.
5) Tennessee Titans: your whole defense could go to tackling school because they have forgotten everything they learned when Jim Schwartz was there. Do you realize that you are giving up 33 points per game?
6) St. Louis Rams: watching Will Witherspoon get a touchdown on an interception, recover a fumble, record eight tackles and one sack for the Eagles on MNF, my question is for the Rams: your defense is good enough that Witherspoon became expendable??? Verdict: Talent evaluation course for dummies.
7) Jeff Reed, Pittsburgh Steelers, kicker: We all realize that Percy Harvin is a roadrunner, but you even made Wile E Coyote look bad waving at Harvin when he blew past for a kickoff returned for a touchdown. Tackling school for kickers, buddy.
8) JeMarcus Russell, Oakland Raiders, QB: Your special needs file is so thick that Robert Gallery can’t even lift it. You need Special education 101 For QBs and pay attention!! (or you know who might accidentally trip over a bench on the sideline and accidentally fall into you and fracture your jaw).
9) Jeff Feagles, New York Giants, punter: Punting school for dummies, Jeff. Sorry but seven punts for an average of just 34.4 yards just doesn’t cut it in Tom Coughlin’s world. Take the early morning course before the wind comes up, and before Coach Coughlin looks at his watch to see if you’re late.
10) Larry Johnson, Kansas City, running back: Hey Larr! Twitter school has a course on how not to make headlines with dumb stupid comments about your head coach’s qualifications. Good thing you have a bye this week so you can complete the course. Not that you were setting the world on fire on the field, either.