Oh Doctor! My Prescriptions For Ailing NFL Teams
Things are looking bad for several NFL franchises this season, real bad. Once proud fanchises have hit rock bottom, and it makes me sick. That's why I feel like I have to step in and give them my fake medical opinion to take them off of the hypothetical life support, and help get them back on track. The doctor is in, and here's my prescriptions....
Tennesse Titans-ailment:An Awful Looking 0-6 Start
Prescription: How did this happen? You guys were 13-3 last year! You had the best record in football, and looked like you could be Super Bowl contenders this year. I think I have the prescription for you; you guys need a spark, something to make things fresh and give your fans something to cheer about. For this one I’m prescribing some radical medicine, a Dolphin style wild cat offense. You have the personnel to do so, with Chris Johnson handling the football, Lendale White and Javon Ringer as Ricky Williams’ role. You have better receivers than the Dolphins, and you could use Vince Young more as a running threat. The wildcat has helped revive Chad Pennington’s career and even made Chad Henne look like a good quarterback, maybe it’ll help Vince. Hey, it’s not like things could get worse after starting 0-6 and looking outmatched in every game.
Oakland Raiders-ailment: a 17-53 record since their last playoff appearance in 2002
Prescription: You guys need a major over-hall, an act of god maybe? I really don’t think there’s anything that will work as long as Al Davis is there. A new GM, a new head coach, a starting quarterback, a change in culture; these are just a few of the most critical changes they need. Things are bad in Oakland, and to put it in medical terms, they are in critical condition. I like the Richard Seymour move, getting a guy that knows how to win, but that’s going to turn out to be a pretty high draft pick.
The Washington Redskins-ailment: losses to the winless Lions, Chiefs, and Panthers
Prescription: It seems bad, you guys are fading fast. I think I might have to call time of death already. This is another case with a bad owner. Daniel Schneider has too much control over the team without actually knowing how to operate it. Jim Zorn is not the answer, but you don’t give someone else the play calling duties and then say that Jim Zorn is your man. That is the wrong order, everyone knows Zorn is on the way out and it is taking a toll on your team. I feel sorry for Jason Campbell who seems to have never had a chance at becoming what he could’ve been playing in Washington. As much as everyone has talked about the play calling, but he is not getting the time to make plays. He needs help on the O-line and when Campbell delivers the ball, people need to catch it. First things first, figure out who you want as your head coach. This is ridiculous! Pick someone and stick with them! This will help fans and the media think that you know what you’re doing. Next, build through the draft. You need to stop throwing money at free agents, you’re not the Yankees. You can’t win consistently by bringing in these overpriced guys that in the end only hinder your team through cap restrictions. It will help you get younger, and you can bring in guys that haven’t been around that losing atmosphere….. Nurse! Get them some Tim Tebow, stat!
Jacksonville Jaguars-ailment: consistently facing blackouts at home
Prescription: This is a major problem for the Jags. You guys have a franchise player in Maurice Jones-Drew, but little else. I like young Mike Sims-Walker(what’s up with the two last names?) and they are trying to retool their defense using a bunch of draft picks, including 2 of the last 3 first round picks on defensive players. Fans are the lifeblood of the franchise, without people watching, they are in trouble. I am prescribing 2 things in this case. Why not have themed giveaway days like minor league baseball teams? Everyone loves giveaways, and who wouldn’t want a free Peyton Manning jersey when the Colts come to town or free tuna when they take on the Dolphins (you can’t be sure that stuff is dolphin free)? Whatever brings the fans to the stadium. Something else that would cure this ailment may be to somehow lure Urban Meyer away from the Gators with a big juicy contract. I would also recommend joining the Redskins and going after Mr. Florida himself Tim Tebow in the draft.
Cleveland Browns-ailment: Everything Hurts
Prescription: This team has some good pieces including Josh Cribbs, Mohammed Massaquoi, Joe Thomas, just to name a few, but it’s lacking one thing; direction. My prescription is a tough one but I gotta say it, Mangini has to go. I get that changes had to be made, what’s with all of the Jets players? I don’t get it, I think Mangini doesn’t even know where he’s going, and this team has no hope this season as shown by them getting blown out against Green Bay last week. There are plenty of solid coaches out there and the Browns need a major change of culture. You have to start former first round pick Brady Quinn to see what you have. During the offseason you blow this mother up, Fire Sale! You trade Derek Anderson, Shaun Rogers, Joshua Cribbs, anyone but Quinn and Joe Thomas depending on what they think they have in Quinn. I think you pile up draft picks, and build through the draft. There are so many holes in this team you need to draft secondary help, defensive line help, linebacker help, running back help, wide receiver help, pretty much anything. I don’t know how this team sells tickets, I really don’t. They have gone 55-122 since they have come back into the league in 1999. It could be worse Browns fans, you could be like Cubs fans and have your hopes and dreams crushed every year; but since no one ever expects the Browns to even make the playoffs the expectations always remain low.