Top Ten Things Overheard at St. Louis Hitters Meetings in 2010

ESPN's Buster Olney is reporting that, when Tony LaRussa returns to St. Louis to manage the Cardinals in 2010, he'll have a new hitting coach.

Mark McGwire.

That's right, the man once responsible for "saving baseball" with Sammy Sosa and later embarrassed in front of Congress enough to disappear for a few years will return to the game.

Which got me to thinking...what are some things that a fly on the wall might hear in McGwire-led hitters meetings in St. Louis next year?

10.

League Official: "What's in the bottle, Mark?"

McGwire: "Just a little something Romo picked up for me. Why?"

Official: "Tony Romo's buying you Flinstones?"

McGwire: "No, Bill Romanowski. We work out on Tuesdays and Thursdays. He's going to do some consulting for us, maybe come motivational speaking in March."

Official: "Oh..."

9.

Yadier Molina: "Why do you want us to hit elbows when we score now, Coach?"

McGwire: "Well, if you extend your arm for a handshake or to bump fists, a photographer or some idiot with a camera phone might catch the red spots on your forearm."

Molina: "What marks?"

McGwire: "OK, fine. We'll wear long sleeves..."

8.

Albert Pujols: "Why do you want me to swing straight up?"

McGwire: "It will help you drive the ball better. You need to elevate the ball more, Albert."

Pujols: "Coach...you're a career .263 hitter. If I hit that badly for a week, I'd get checked for swine flu. Are you serious?"

McGwire: "Look, I'm the coach and you're the guy nobody wants to throw in jail for lying to Congress. Are you gonna listen or are we done here?"

Pujols: "I need to get some rehab done on my elbow. See ya later, Coach."

7.

Rookie: "Do they? Really?"

McGwire: "Um... yeah..."

6.

Adam Wainwright: "Do I need to keep popping these zits all year, Coach? All I do is sacrifice bunt..."

McGwire: "Have you seen my wife?"

Wainwright: "Touche"

5.

Ryan Franklin: "Mark, you used to hoist your son over your head like 10 years ago. How old is he now?"

McGwire: "25."

Franklin: "Didn't he go to high school or college or anything?"

McGwire: "He tried, but he's got an issue with his spine."

Franklin: "Oh really? What happened?"

McGwire: "Apparently throwing a 14-year old over your head like a newborn isn't good for their backs..."

4.

Clubhouse Attendant: "Sorry Mr. McGwire. I didn't know you were still in there..."

McGwire: "Can you toss me that little black pouch with the zipper?"

Attendant: "The one marked PASS?"

McGwire: "Yeah."

Attendant: "What's PASS?"

McGwire: "Put Away if Selig Shows"

Attendant: "Oh... right..."

3,

Ryan Ludwick: "I've heard there are some... negatives... to most of your body getting bigger..."

McGwire: "Such as...?"

Ludwick: "Well, you know...."

McGwire: "Dude, have you seen my wife?"

Ludwick: "Good point."

2.

Brendan Ryan: "I used to weigh 180 pounds, Coach. Don't you think..."

McGwire: "Dude, it's fine. We'll get the marketing people to spin it into a Christmas gig some time in July, emphasizing the red and green thing you've got going on."

Ryan: "But I haven't fit into my hat in a month..."

McGwire: "What, you don't like Christmas?"

1.

Mark McGwire: "Hey, I heard Marc Bulger sucks and you guys need a quarterback..."

Rams Brass: "Ok...?..."

Mark McGwire: "So you know how I got run out of town for a few years, and now I'm making my triumphant return?"

Brass: "Sure...?..."

Dan McGwire: "Ta Da!!! Give me the ball, coach! I'm ready to go!"